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oh what a looser am i
I can't believe I got myself into this again. I got myself believing that it would be ok, that it would be different this time. It was different all right. But deffinatley not in the way I expected. This could be just another stereotypical breakup. But it is much more than that to me. I don't know whether to scream at him, or cry at his feet. I want to seem strong, but yet I feel so weak... crying I've already done all of my crying, even though I feel another sobbing fit coming on. I'm going to tell the story. But it will be short and confusing. If anyone reading this would for some reason like to know the whole story, you can message me. Or, sometime soon I will be posting a fanfiction on fanfiction.net, that tells the story in full. You can message me about that too. I met him a year ago, we started a friendship, then a relationship. It was great, then we got into a HUGE arguement, and broke up. It was fine, until he changed his mind about me. I was harrased for almost a year. He made my life miserable, turned my friends against me, made me lose hope. The worst part was, I didnt hate him for what he was doing, I hated that he wasent there any more. I still loved him, no matter how badley he treated me. Yeah I know, I'm stupid. Stop laughing. Eventually he shut me out completely. We had absolutley no contact for a LONG time. That was what killed me the most, when I thought he didnt even know i existed any more. I almost WANTED the harassment. It was aweful. Then, one magical day; he came up and hugged me. I swear I thought he had a knife in his hand. I was scared out of my pants! But all he did, was say "i just wanted to see your reaction". That night and the nights after we stayed up till 1am talking on IM. Catching up. I was still terrified that he would snap again, but i didnt care. I was just enjoying his kindness while I could. But it wasent false hope he was giving me! After a while we became very close again. So close, that he asked me out again. I FREAKED OUT and said yes. (stupid me) I was the happiest I had been in a long time. "not healed, but as if there was no wound in the first place" or something like that. It was absolutley fantastic for maybe... 2 1/2 months. I had no clue anything was wrong. I was SO oblivious. Then I left on my trip to europe. We said our long and sad goodbye. Promising to see eachother soon. I made him promise to email me everyday. So I left on my trip. I had a great time too. But i missed him terribly. When I finally got home I ran to check my email as soon as I got in the door. And I texted him to, to say I was home. I got no text back. There were no emails from him. Nothing. He called, the next morning. After calmly asking about my trip, I brought up the subject of email. He said he had been on a camping trip. I went along with it until i remembered the comments I had seen on my friends pages from him. They were sent during my trip. I asked him, he was silent. With a long sigh he said "i think we should just be friends". I was shocked. "your kidding right?!" I said. "...no" he replied. I broke down, I SOOO didnt want to on the phone. But i did. I just started sobbing. Asking why, he said "you didnt seem to pay attention to me anymore" I KNEW that was a lie. So i said "no, i know the real reason. You actually just dont like me any more. and your afraid to say it because you know it will hurt me more than any other reason." after an excruciatingly long pause he said "...yeah, yeah your right." I started sobbing again. Through my obnoxiously loud crying i managed to plead "please dont hate me again! please dont do that to me again!" he said "I promise I wont, that was stupid of me. I promise I won't" That was a releif. But i was still confused. I went over all of our conversations and emails in my head. There was nothing, no signs. Just a bunch of "i promise to never leave you." and "i love you more than anything." I'm still confused... I dont know what to believe any more. He sent me an email right before he left on a camping trip. it said he was lost, and frustrated. it said he is debating whether he did the right thing! whatever he finds out about his decision on his camping trip, i know what im going to do. I love him SO much. But I couldnt go through that again... after EVERYTHING he has done... I just couldnt do it again... not this time... I swear I won't be stupid!
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