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18th June 2007
well thats that.

yesterday it had been exactly 1year since mom died. It was... well...weird..
My older sister just went out with her boyfriend for the whole day. I'm sure she must've cried but not with me. My brothers didn't show any particular emotion apart from being slightly more irritable than always.
Dad was snappish and rude all day and was nitpicking at everything not making anything easier.

As for me i was devoid of emotion i didnt feel anything.. not angry not sad.. when i tried to cry i couldn't. I guess does this mean i've moved on? or just that i'm numb?
i have no clue. All passion i have now is of moving out, having my own house my place my room.. Running away would be the best way to describe me now.

I still feel i lost a bit of myself that day.. rather than losing my heart i think i lost my direction.. i have no clue where i'm going or why.. standing blindfolded in a windy field.

Maybe if i move away i'll move forward as well.


Edit:

19th July 2023

Dear me, it's been 16 years since you wrote this and in that time you did it all. You ran away, lived by yourself, had your own apartment that you filled with sunshine and friends and cats. You harnessed this love for writing and creating into a career too! You fell in love, and out of love, you found friends who are still here with you today.
You still cry when you think about your mother but this year you started going to therapy. It helped you realise that this is where you were stuck all these years. Escaping a world that was cruel, traumatic, and unforgiving into this fantasy land where magic existed and families were made with a click of a button.
I hope this site stays alive for years more to come because I want to hopefully have another update in another 10 years. Maybe by then I'd have found the passion I still haven't found since I lost my mom.