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Ever been in a hospital? Yes, I have been in a hospital as a patient. nothing serious, but I shared a room with a young girl. I was 10 or 11, she was about 7 years old. She had a deadly disease and would die very soon. She didn't know, I didn't know either. We talked about school, friends, the new tamagotchi(difficult to spell) and other stuff. I liked her, but after a day, the curtains around her bed closed and I wasn't allowed to see her. Three days later she died. I do not know what kind of disease she had, but I'm sure she didn't know it either.

Why did she die? How would it be to die? I'm still asking myself these questions. I have always wondered about how it would be to die. As I said before, I have been living with thoughts about suicide. I wrote things about dying and pain, and as long as I could write it down I survived, but I know now that I really could have died.

I fear death. I'm afraid of what's after that. Is there a heaven? So yes, how would it look there? Or hell. What would happen if I go to hell? I'm afraid of these things. I'm afraid of disappointment.

I always thought about death. I didn't think that would ever change. I took the advice of a psychiatricist/psychiatrist (how do you write it?) and started to draw landscapes. Just to relax. I still think about it sometimes, but I'm happy now. I'm happy with the life I have. And that's all I need.