Okay, I'm warning whoever is going to read this stupid thing ahead of time. It's 1:00 in the morning and the following will undoubtly be exaggerated or far too in-depth and opinionated to comprehend without thinking I'm crazy or a retarded attention-whore. Although it's okay if you think those things about it, it's likely true anyways.
Yeah.. I'm sick all the time nowadays.. always feeling so sick ... well, It's always kind of been like that. But lately I'm sick of being sick, you know? I'm finally going to open up and tell everyone that I don't want to be like this anymore! It's painful getting up every morning to a sick stomach and a headache, unable to eat breakfast in the fear that I might throw it all back up. The morning is beautiful but I can't even appreciate it when all I see ahead of me is a bleak day filled with lonliness and misunderstanding. Azzy is the only one who saves me during the day.
No matter how much I sleep I'm always tired. Normal everyday things are hard for me to do now, like walking. Going up and down the stairs makes me out of breath and moving too much makes me feel dizzy and my legs want to collapse from under me. I don't understand why this is happening... am I overexaggerating or is there something physically wrong with me?
I'm going for blood-tests soon. I'm finally giving in to my fear of needles for the sake of my health. The blood-tests always hurt ... and the thought of my blood leaving me sends a shiver up my spine... but I need to know if something is wrong. My doctors have been reccomending one for years but I'd never let them before. What if I'm really sick? Sick enough to die? I don't think I'd tell anyone if that was true. I wouldn't want to be treated any differently.
But then, I could be overexaggerating. In a way, I hope it's really just that and nothing serious.
Right now I am pretty frustrated though. Steven said some horrible things to me, so I blocked him for it .. then Ricky comes in and starts getting angry at me, and that only made it worse. I called Steven to see if he was sorry, but he wouldn't even say it until I asked him and he didn't even SOUND sorry so I'm still pissed at him .. no, BOTH of them.
Even if I miss them already. I hate how they're treating me. It's confusing why Steven would do this suddenly, but Ricky always treats me is such a way. Tell me why.. I try to be their good friend... I stick up for them and regard them as important precious people in my life... and I can't be treated any more then dirt... dirt that they grind beneath their heels...
No matter how much they mean to me, or how much I try to show them how much I care, I'm not even important enough. I'm never important enough to be like other people! The other people that are cared for ... and that they like ... and want to be around ... I can never be one of those people! I'm not even worth a proper apology!
I'm not someone to be bashed around and recycled so I can be used for petty purposes. I'm not someone that should be used just other people can walk all over me and get what they want from me then go back to ignoring my existance. If the only reason why people want to talk to me, is because they think they might need something from me, then you have the wrong person...
... If you're one of these people, then tell me you are and leave me alone forever! That applies to anyone and everyone! ... No matter how important you are to me. If you have such malevolent intentions, then make me hate you so you'll stop breaking my heart.
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These are the records of certain occurrences and musings in my life. It is probably not of much importance to you, unless you enjoy being a sleuth or have some vague interest in listening to me prattle about my flavour-of-the-month.
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