Update
Well I am not feeling quite as bad as before. Apparently I had bottled up feelings that I needed to express and that kinda cured me. Some people were saying that there are people out there that loved me...I ALREADY KNEW THAT! Im just being neclekted by them. (Well my friends in RL.) So dont say that...Please...>.O
But I'd like to thank my charity for cheering me up the most! They are so funny. n.n So I'll just keep this entry for awhile...So that all my friends are able to read it so that they can understand my past. =3
(Its not everyday I talk about my dad and childhood. >.O )
Well I havnt done a long entry in awhile. Now I have something to put that will tell you a little about me...Something I havnt told anyone. (Not my family, friends, etc.)
So this will show you how bad someone's life can be...
My dad left the family 4 years ago, I guess this is where it all started. - Before he left. I loved my family more then anything. I was happy, wore bright colors, normal hair color and was great in school. I thought I had a perfect family. A mom, dad, 2 brothers and a sister at college. I always hoped it would stay that way. But then my dad started getting sick. (He had Bi-Polar) so he would start getting angry at everyone. Somtimes it would be so bad that we (Me mom and my brothers.) would hide in my room (Which was located at the far end of the house. Away from where he was having his trantrums.) and my mom would take my bed while the rest of us slept on the floor. My mom is to much of a woos to call the police. So she let her neibor's do it instead. They would take my dad to the station and in my mind, body and soul, I could see that my little hope of a perfect family was fading.
After a year, my mom was getting tired of the fighting. So she filed a divorce. I was only 10 when that happened. So I really didnt know what it was or how to react. But when my brother (Peter) told me that its when your parents break apart and live in seprate houses, states, or even different countries. My brother basically was too harsh on me. He wouldnt make it easier to tell me. He just said that its over. "Were no longer the happy little family you thought we were. Open your eyes. Were fighting for ourselves. Remember this, you only live for yourself and try to surpass everyone you meet. Your only goal in life is to make us rich and famous." - Thats what he said (Or part of it. Cant remeber.) and that shattered my world. (For the first time.) I couldnt bere it.
Back then, I only had one friend. Nugget. She was always with me. We would talk, hang out and all the other stuff. But when my parents got divorced, she started drifting away from me. Onto a new friendship. (Who arnt good people.) So that year, I would always lay in bed, thinking about what my brother (peter) said. Could he be right? was my question. I would look deep inside myself to see if that were the truth. And I thought it was right. So I went with it. I started going for the impossiable dreams that would make my family rich and famous. I want to sing. So I started singing as much as possiable. I joined chouras, tried and take part in the school plays and all. But I just wasnt a good singer. So I stopped. I tried acting. I failed at that as well. As time went on, I kept trying to be something that Im not.
Then, one day in Health class, I found my talent! I could draw! So I kept going at it. I was getting better and better but when I told my mom that I could draw, she didnt belive in me. My brother (Peter) was asshamed that I was gifted with something stupid and a waist of time. So after a whole night of crying, I made up my mind on something. I would continue drawing and proove to them that I can draw and that it isnt a waist of time. So I did so. For about 2 years.
In 8th grade, my brother (Peter) started changing as well. He was the ganster in the family. It didnt make me feel safe. At times, I would want to run away and never return to our dangerous house. But I had no choice...It was either that, or the streets. Peter would go around the town breaking things, getting in trouble with the police and hurting me, as if I were his most joy to bring terror too. I knew I wasnt safe. But I was told not to tell the school. So I didnt. (I wish I did though!) But then my mom started taking Peter's side in everything. (Even though what ever happened was his fault.) and always blammed it on me. It all was stacking on my heart I started to hate them. But as time went on, I started hating my entire family...All but my dad.
My dad was the ONLY person who would stand up for me, give me good adivce when I needed it and knew I was in for a rough future and tried to make my childhood as great as possiable. So he is the only person in my family that I still love. The best advice he gave me was this:
So this will show you how bad someone's life can be...
My dad left the family 4 years ago, I guess this is where it all started. - Before he left. I loved my family more then anything. I was happy, wore bright colors, normal hair color and was great in school. I thought I had a perfect family. A mom, dad, 2 brothers and a sister at college. I always hoped it would stay that way. But then my dad started getting sick. (He had Bi-Polar) so he would start getting angry at everyone. Somtimes it would be so bad that we (Me mom and my brothers.) would hide in my room (Which was located at the far end of the house. Away from where he was having his trantrums.) and my mom would take my bed while the rest of us slept on the floor. My mom is to much of a woos to call the police. So she let her neibor's do it instead. They would take my dad to the station and in my mind, body and soul, I could see that my little hope of a perfect family was fading.
After a year, my mom was getting tired of the fighting. So she filed a divorce. I was only 10 when that happened. So I really didnt know what it was or how to react. But when my brother (Peter) told me that its when your parents break apart and live in seprate houses, states, or even different countries. My brother basically was too harsh on me. He wouldnt make it easier to tell me. He just said that its over. "Were no longer the happy little family you thought we were. Open your eyes. Were fighting for ourselves. Remember this, you only live for yourself and try to surpass everyone you meet. Your only goal in life is to make us rich and famous." - Thats what he said (Or part of it. Cant remeber.) and that shattered my world. (For the first time.) I couldnt bere it.
Back then, I only had one friend. Nugget. She was always with me. We would talk, hang out and all the other stuff. But when my parents got divorced, she started drifting away from me. Onto a new friendship. (Who arnt good people.) So that year, I would always lay in bed, thinking about what my brother (peter) said. Could he be right? was my question. I would look deep inside myself to see if that were the truth. And I thought it was right. So I went with it. I started going for the impossiable dreams that would make my family rich and famous. I want to sing. So I started singing as much as possiable. I joined chouras, tried and take part in the school plays and all. But I just wasnt a good singer. So I stopped. I tried acting. I failed at that as well. As time went on, I kept trying to be something that Im not.
Then, one day in Health class, I found my talent! I could draw! So I kept going at it. I was getting better and better but when I told my mom that I could draw, she didnt belive in me. My brother (Peter) was asshamed that I was gifted with something stupid and a waist of time. So after a whole night of crying, I made up my mind on something. I would continue drawing and proove to them that I can draw and that it isnt a waist of time. So I did so. For about 2 years.
In 8th grade, my brother (Peter) started changing as well. He was the ganster in the family. It didnt make me feel safe. At times, I would want to run away and never return to our dangerous house. But I had no choice...It was either that, or the streets. Peter would go around the town breaking things, getting in trouble with the police and hurting me, as if I were his most joy to bring terror too. I knew I wasnt safe. But I was told not to tell the school. So I didnt. (I wish I did though!) But then my mom started taking Peter's side in everything. (Even though what ever happened was his fault.) and always blammed it on me. It all was stacking on my heart I started to hate them. But as time went on, I started hating my entire family...All but my dad.
My dad was the ONLY person who would stand up for me, give me good adivce when I needed it and knew I was in for a rough future and tried to make my childhood as great as possiable. So he is the only person in my family that I still love. The best advice he gave me was this:
My dear Dad
When your ugly and un-addractive when your little, you'll be beautiful and addractive when your older.
I still belive it till today. I'll never forget it. I would always be teased because I wasnt "good looking" to the kids in my grade when I was in 4th-6th grade. My dad would try his best to make me belive that I could be as beautiful as any other girl in the world. Hopefully I could make it come true....(Its starting to!) I looked up to my dad and so did Peter. But once he left, Peter was the man of the house. But to him, man of the house ment abuse and do whatever you want.
After awhile my brother has been arrested for under-age drinking and possesion of Illegal drugs. (Pot and Heroin.) And was sent to a Rehab place for 6 months. (And his returning the 30th of May) Everyone says that he is a changed person....But I dont...He'll never change. He'll start abusing drugs and alcohole and ruin his life again. He ruined my life by filling me with such hatred and betrale that I want him dead. (He wants me dead as well.) I know I wont be the killer...But who ever kills him, I'll send him/her a nice Thank you card and a fruit basket.
Now that I am a Freshman in High school, my life has started to fall apart again. My mother is now neglecting me, my friends are deserting me and that my dad is somewhere I dont know and Im not allowed to see him. My heart is drowing in a sea of lonly ness. I know there are people who care about me. (Don and DAM the most.) But there to pre-occupied to see how alone I am. I may not show it, but I am depressed. (Not to kill myself or anything...Just miserable.) My grades have slumpted down to the C average range, I turned myself around (From wearing bright colors to completly Gothic/Punkish.) and dont give a care weather I die or not.
But every night, when Im trying to go to sleep, I cry. The emotions that have been bottled up over the day, are released onto my pillow. I have told only few people about my crying but only one of them really cares. (Don) It makes me feel even more depressed that I dont have real friends who are supposed to be there for you when you need it the most. I have always been there for them, why cant they be there for me? Its just like what Gaara from Naruto said - "To love yourself and only yourself." Even though I love my Dad and Don, the rest of the world I hate. (I love the world...Just not the people who live on it...)
There are many songs out there that can describe a person perfectly. I have a few but the one that says the most is Nobody's Home by Avril Laviene. The lryics in the song that touch me the most are these:
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
^These mean a lot to me because how I have changed in the past 4 years. From being a smart kid, always showing feelings, having dreams, I had a place with my friends and faith. But now that my hatred for this world has grown out of control in my heart, I have lost all these. I dont show my feelings, dont have a dream, my grades are low, my faith is gone and I lost my mind...
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
^ These mean something to me. How I always go home after school. There is my mom but she never notices me. As if Im not even there. And that I am broken inside because my life has no where to go and home is where I am all the time. Away from the world I hate so much. And how I cry because there is no where else I can be...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
^ This I hope will be something my friends would say to other people in the future. How they messed up and couldnt help me and just watched me get hurt. When it means mistakes, me being broken hearted every year. (Weather is was from my family or my ex relationship people.)
I hope this entry got you to understand me more...If not...Then I guess Im still lost when it comes to people understanding me....
-Moe
After awhile my brother has been arrested for under-age drinking and possesion of Illegal drugs. (Pot and Heroin.) And was sent to a Rehab place for 6 months. (And his returning the 30th of May) Everyone says that he is a changed person....But I dont...He'll never change. He'll start abusing drugs and alcohole and ruin his life again. He ruined my life by filling me with such hatred and betrale that I want him dead. (He wants me dead as well.) I know I wont be the killer...But who ever kills him, I'll send him/her a nice Thank you card and a fruit basket.
Now that I am a Freshman in High school, my life has started to fall apart again. My mother is now neglecting me, my friends are deserting me and that my dad is somewhere I dont know and Im not allowed to see him. My heart is drowing in a sea of lonly ness. I know there are people who care about me. (Don and DAM the most.) But there to pre-occupied to see how alone I am. I may not show it, but I am depressed. (Not to kill myself or anything...Just miserable.) My grades have slumpted down to the C average range, I turned myself around (From wearing bright colors to completly Gothic/Punkish.) and dont give a care weather I die or not.
But every night, when Im trying to go to sleep, I cry. The emotions that have been bottled up over the day, are released onto my pillow. I have told only few people about my crying but only one of them really cares. (Don) It makes me feel even more depressed that I dont have real friends who are supposed to be there for you when you need it the most. I have always been there for them, why cant they be there for me? Its just like what Gaara from Naruto said - "To love yourself and only yourself." Even though I love my Dad and Don, the rest of the world I hate. (I love the world...Just not the people who live on it...)
There are many songs out there that can describe a person perfectly. I have a few but the one that says the most is Nobody's Home by Avril Laviene. The lryics in the song that touch me the most are these:
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
^These mean a lot to me because how I have changed in the past 4 years. From being a smart kid, always showing feelings, having dreams, I had a place with my friends and faith. But now that my hatred for this world has grown out of control in my heart, I have lost all these. I dont show my feelings, dont have a dream, my grades are low, my faith is gone and I lost my mind...
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
^ These mean something to me. How I always go home after school. There is my mom but she never notices me. As if Im not even there. And that I am broken inside because my life has no where to go and home is where I am all the time. Away from the world I hate so much. And how I cry because there is no where else I can be...
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
^ This I hope will be something my friends would say to other people in the future. How they messed up and couldnt help me and just watched me get hurt. When it means mistakes, me being broken hearted every year. (Weather is was from my family or my ex relationship people.)
I hope this entry got you to understand me more...If not...Then I guess Im still lost when it comes to people understanding me....
-Moe
