So, I'm not sure what's been happening to me up till now. But let me try to explain on an emotional level at the least.
After the incident with Grace I became, will destraught for lack of a better world, I could literally say and mean that I have never felt so broken and shattered before in my life. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't even just the betrayal. I had feelings for her, she was well aware of these feelings, at times she'd encourage them, and other times she'd discourage them. But the fact was that on more then one occassion she told me she cared the same way. Perhaps this is what led to my biggest downfall, believing that some kinda fairy tale madness could come alive and everything would be great. Eh, stupid though obviously, as it turned out that my feelings were little more then a tool to get her way.
Anyway, after that entire situation, I think I needed to grab on to something real, something physical, something that had no risks and relied on nothing but my own skill and abilities. So I didn't have to put my heart or life in other peoples hands. I remember promising myself I'd never let someone in to do to me what was done, never again. I grabbed on to my education fiercly, and that's probably why I dove into avonmore without any thought of what the course would lead to. I wanted something to give myself tottaly to. So I pushed down all the hate, and the loss, and the sadness, and the love, then worked forward. Obviously this worked as I have passed my courses, though it left me some problems now my study has ceased.
You see, before I tied myself up I had goals, dreams, fantasies (not the sexual kind), and ambition. I don't really seem to have that anymore. I used to really strife for love, I wanted to be with someone, loved and to love, more then anything else. But I've honestly kinda lost the way. I don't actually feel anything for anyone. I mean, I get pangs, but those are usually when I'm upste. Convinetly my sadness still stays with me, oh yay. I've also kinda lost sight of any goals I once had. I don't even remember the specfics of what I was aiming for with life, I don't even remember if I cared what I was aiming for. It really does seem kinda odd. I've locked it all away and forgotten.
I talked to Rae recently, espically after my little love spouted outburts from being drunk. We get some stupid idea's when we are drunk. She thinks I'm scared. I can't even remember what I am meant to be scared of, though that could possibly be because I don't want to remember. But I think if I am scared, it's probably of ruining someones life, or considering my personality in recent years, probably ruining my life and myself. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt strong emotions in me. Not since I had that breakdown a few week's back. Otherwise I haven't felt anything.
I used to feel passion for things so strongly that it inspired my creative side. It made we want to have goals, and do things, and take risks. It made me angry at times, but surely even anger is better then being stone faced and dishonest.
I've decided I need to figure out a way to break through this, to get in contact with myself again. I don't know, I sound like a man with a middle age crises. Though in way's of the heart, and emotion, I feel like I've fought a ******** war. But I need to try and find what I've lost, and stop hiding.
Then there is the biggest theory of all that scares me quite shitless. Maybe I've not locked away all I once was, but rather, changed...
This scares me, as it mean's I may never find the creativity and passion I once had, unless I have a drink and imagine it.
This is Tim, singing off, on yet another Melo-dramatic journal entry, on a life that really, I mean really, shouldn't have this much damned drama.
Alastwr Community Member 
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