"Life's a b***h and then you die"~ Ugly Kid Joe
The last two days have been horrible. I have just been feeling so overwhelmingly alone and helpless. i feel like almost everyone i care about is drifting away, i feel ignored by some of the people i love the most...
i finaly gained my ground again and my mood has lifted tremendously... even though i still consider how i am feeling as "sad"...its happy compaired to how distraught i was even just this morning and at lunch.
I realized i need to be needed, i need someone to care for and someone to care for me, to be there...to hold me close when it feels like my world is coming down. I need to find the other half of my soul thats out there somewhere. Part of me thinks that person could be Kenny, another part of me knows he doesn't really want to be that person...as far as from what he has shown. and yet another part of me just wants to sit down and cry because for the time being, i am still so alone.
i am slipping from what i had before. From the grip that Brandon gave me on life. But this new thought.....this...knowing what i need to find, has helped me hold on a little longer for now.
This feeling of lonelness has been like a preditor stalking me. I would think i was ok and in the clear, and i find it in the bushes behind me. But when i started feeling so down wednesday....it was like it pounced on me finaly and was tearing at my heart and soul.
It kinda started at my friend Michelle's halloween party last weekend, i got there a little early and only Olivia was there besides me. So Michelle was putting some white makeup on around her eye and we were up in her room. Olivia, it turns out, had been there for a few hours before. So i said "wow, i wish i had known i could have come early, i have had nothign to do all day" and then michelle said that Olivia was a special exception.....so that made me think what....10 years of being her friend doesn't make me a special exception? and not only that ,but she was having olivia spend the night too....
oh but it gets better....we were all outside, michelle's friends and her older brother's friends....and we are playing tag, and hide and go seek and german spotlight and all these other games... and then i notice...that everyone but her brothers friends are gone. So i am like wtf. And i go look inside. They went inside to watch the nightmare before christmas. They were a little ways into it too. NO ONE ever went "hey were is sarah?" and came to tell me they were watching a movie. They just left me outside. That got me sad at the party so i sat outside on the back porch while they watched the movie and her brothers friends continued to run around. It was just a good time to think. But i still felt so left out and forgotten by everyone.
Then on halloween... i had to ask my friends to go trick or treating with them... they had already gotten together...Alyssa Andy and Chantel....and they made plans to go out, andy had even come home from school with them (alyssa and chantel live near eachother...)....and Michelle...i guess she made plans to go with olivia....but...no one ever asked me to go with them. Had i not asked i would have been left out again...gah, its getting me all depressed again typing this out. But serisouly, no one should be forgotten like that. Everyone always leaves me out of their plans and i just feel so unloved.
I feel like no one wants to be around me and i feel so worthless and it makes me feel bad about myself, and i start thinking "do they even really care?" and i just get more and more depressed. My new outlook on life that i gained though my relationship with Brandon...well..i have only had it for about 6 months...and now i am starting to revert to how i was before i had him. To the sad, lonley freshman i was all last year. So i am trying to claw into the walls and stop myself from going back to that. I like who i have become, i like being happy...i want to see the sun. I don't want to go back to the cloudy mindset i had before.
So for now, i am going to hold on as long as i can. I know i can only hold out for so long without anyone to help me. I can't keep my world up by myself. I need someone by my side to help me fix and patch problems as they come. i need someone, and i need them to need me too. Give and receive both ways, i need to find that someone with the missing peice of my soul.
Standing in the rain will hide my tears, basking in the sun will dry them.
 HatsuharuRocks · Fri Nov 03, 2006 @ 01:51am · 2 Comments |
