I always thought there was a way out of this craphole of a life that I've been living for the last few months. I always thought there was. But I eventually came to realize that there isn't. At least not one that will lead me into something better.
So I tried again. Tried to change my world from the inside as i forced myself to deal with it. That went down in flames, as I fought for not only my life, but my willpower.
I met some people online then, in addition to the few that I could confide in face to face, and they helped me out of a nasty bit of a rut that I had sunk into. All my friends showed me something that I didn't think was out there anymore. Someone that cared for me. That actually and truly cared for me.
I felt moderately happy again, and wound up getting some professional help that is trying to get me to a point that I don't need meds and what not.
Deep falls still awaited, though I blame none but myself. Falls that came from love, and memories. Trust in many, including myself, circled the drain. And I became cold again. Scared. Though my mask had thickened and hardened again to keep my friends from seeing this. I was away from home, and lost in my world. Again with no feasible way out.
My friends helped me again. Made me laugh at a rough day, helped to cry when I desperately needed release, protected me from turning back into what I was. Though I am still, even today, trapped in this tiny darkened room, you guys have illuminated parts and pieced back together some of the darkest parts of my world. Of my life.
For this, I thank you. You guys have no idea what you have done, how you have affected my life. There's nothing I can do, but offer myself in return. Whatever you may need that is in my power to provide, I will.
Thank you.
 Marion-san · Fri Oct 06, 2006 @ 02:11am · 2 Comments |
