Its like my days just blend together at this point. Its the same thing every day. I want to be happy. I try. Every. Single. Day. I try to tell myself that it'll be different. But then I'm still stuck here. In a house that was once filled with love and joy and I remember that it will probably never be that again...Instead its an unnecessary flinch during dinner because he raises his hand. Its a trigger every time I walk through my hallway...remembering the day I laid there in my own blood wondering how I got myself into that situation. I remember having to make up a story to tell everyone as to why i had a busted lip and a black eye and why I could hardly talk.
I had a couple come in today and this is kindof how our conversation went:
Couple: Well Chaslyne, we are great. We've had an amazing day.
Me: Oh really? Thats awesome. Mind if I ask why it has been so amazing?
C: Well we just got married.
**I suddenly got this sick feeling in my stomach for absolutely no reason**
M: Well that truly is amazing
...So they stayed for a while and drank some wine and we just had a lot of very enjoyable conversations about a little bit of everything. And as they went to leave I had to have someone else tend to them because I had a legit mental breakdown.
My coworker asked what was going on and it really hit... Seeing them so happy being newly married. I remember what that felt like. It was amazing. I was so proud to wear my rings. I was so proud to tell people I'm married. And now when people ask me if I'm married im just kindof like yeahhhh...
And it sucks. Because a different coworker of mine told me about how her marriage is going. And it sucks because emotionally she feels really similar to me. The physical damage isn't there. But she constantly craves attention and love and she shouldn't. So being that she craved that attention and what not she turned to something she shouldn't have...And she actually ended up telling him she wants to get a divorce. They got married after I did. I haven't even been married for a year...
It just sucks. Because I talk to someone, and this person truly does make me happy and I enjoy our conversations. But then I feel so bad like I'm betraying everything I got married for...all of the promises that were made. But then I remember he has broken every promise he has ever made to me... And so I'm stuck in the middle and it makes my heart hurt and it just makes me want to die. I would much rather be dead that feel the way that I feel. Too often do I just cry myself to sleep because I don't feel loved by the man I'm falling asleep next to.
And THEN! My bestfriend just got engaged today. To a genuinely amazing guy (not my type and what not lol but hes just a great guy for her). And I'm thinking to myself I wish I had what they have. Because I know they wont be like Us. He wont hurt her. He wont make her bleed. They wont stay up until 4 in the morning fighting about absolutely nothing.
I'm just miserable guys...And I truly don't know what to do anymore...
ChydiZZy Community Member 
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