Hey, if you're there.
Remember this time, 25/10/2017. Well if you don't then let me refresh it. In the last month we've been to see the doctor for depression, they gave you one course of pills that made you more anxious and paranoid and jittery than you've ever been in your life. You're on a different set of them now. They still don't help.
You've been looking more and more into techniques and ways and have made your plan. Turns out that hanging is actually quite a quick death providing you snap your neck. Too low and you have to choke yourself out, waiting for your neck muscles to literally burst from the pressure. Just right (Between 5 and 9 foot depending on height/weight), you snap a little bone in your neck, your blood pressure drops and brain death begins almost instantly. Too far and you decapitate yourself. Relatively painless though.
You've made your life, you have your job with your girlfriend, your own house and the other s**t. You're still not happy and every day it tears apart at you that the amount of effort for everything is just to high. You've been up most nights dealing with the guilt of having these feelings. Apart from Elle, no one knows, and that's how its going to stay. Nothing you can do could ever match the love and commitment she has shown to you, and you want to kill yourself all over again when you think of that.
When you think of your family it is with love and absolute fear that your actions will set off some sort of chain reaction and be the catalyst for the others killing themselves off. Your brother is definitely a candidate but I think it will be dad to go first if it does. Mum will never recover. She will never forgive. She will never understand. She will crumble and become a hollow of the woman you once admired so highly.
You have never felt more guilt-ridden, depressed and filled with self-loathing. Especially self-loathing. This one is new to us huh. Wonder how much loathing you've done if you read this. Even Frank Turner, isn't doing it for you. Suppose you can't find a song for every moment.
You just want to die guilt free. Praying for a terrorist attack, or cancer, or an armed robbery and collateral damage. Maybe a car crash. Maybe a dumb accident like drowning in a bath. I just wanna die. just wanna die just wanna die.
Your tourettes is worse, you're off work with depression and you hate all of this and everything that is happening to your right now. Hope you make it kid, because right now it's looking bleak son.
Pseu Community Member 
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