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I broke my own heart Thursday night and then I pushed away my boyfriend Friday. I asked for three days apart, via phone obviously. He moved in to his new place yesterday and it was hard enough to be semi "faking" a cheerfulness Friday. I knew I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to get out of my head to be there for the two of us. I had to be selfish. I almost regret it because I feel so lonely and miss him so much. I feel guilt to have hurt him by requesting this time. I know he wanted to help. He tried on Friday...

Friday I broke down on the phone because he wouldn't stop asking what it was that had been bothering me so much. I had the hardest time even saying it to him. I eventually managed to text him the thought that had struck me Thursday night. I warned him before the conversation started that he couldn't try to make light of the situation or jokes... not until it was over would i be able to take that sort of thing. I can laugh about it now but when I told him that I the thought was "the possibility that he may never come to love me," he told me that he was flattered and that it was silly. He kept on talking about how he is "a hard nut to crack" and how it would just take time. All the while I was begging BEGGING on the other side for him to hang up. I started sobbing and hung up myself. When he called back I was in full blown heavy tears. It was a legendary cry. It seemed to scare him and make him feel helpless. I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt him. I tried to protect him and to be protected from him but... things don't work out.

The whole thing stemmed because he slept with his roommate and it reminded me of my whole situation a year ago. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I could just be stuck in a loop with him where I never get out of this stupid ******** zone. It was lonely enough to like him by myself the first time around. I killed my love for him twice, if I remember correctly, and now in order to wait things out, I'm doing it all over again. I didn't want to be alone again. I didn't want to have that one sided love.

Did you know, the only relationship where the other person has said the three words "I Love You" was with TJ? It's disgusting to think about. No one else since her and that was high school. I'm not ******** unlovable and I know it's a bit unfair to say anything because she was a girl and these are guys. They're slow and what we went though as girls brought us closer faster than any other relationship I've ever had. But still... no one but her?

I give my heart freely to most people. My friends know I struggled with holding back and not requesting too much with them. I guess I need some time to get that same way with my more intimate relationships.

I hope I didn't ******** things up...