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You know something?
I think that things have really changed these past four years for me.
Too much to list here, really. But it is true. Living in California was just... hell. I hated it. But I guess that everything that I had to struggle through in that place had an effect and made me a stronger person. There's one part that I think had a big effect on me, and this entry is going to be mostly about it.
Damn it I'm sounding way too corny right now.
Anyway.
This came to my mind when I was talking to my eldest sister, Cindy, who's about thirty-two, about my cousin. Everyone worries about my cousin. My cousin, the one that I hate, Annie, it definately going to go down a terrible path in her life. She's going to learn about how to be a "real" person the hard way. Then my sister said that she was happy that I'd turned out the way that I had. It made feel... wierd in a way. But we started talking and she brought up several things and just told me that she's happy and very glad. She says that she thinks that I'll do good with my life. I hope I do.
In one point in the conversation, she talked about my father. I actually learned more about him than I ever did from my own mom. I really have no idea who he is. Only that he's a doctor, tall, and that he wears thick glasses. I figured this out from a picture that my mom has of him. It's a picture of him holding me up after I'd been delivered.
He's not a great man. Not at all. He and my mom never got married, but they still had me. Later on my mom learned that he had a wife and a bunch of kids; something which my mom never told me, I'd learned it from my sister when we'd been talking together.. The single memory that I have of him is when he comes to pick me up and puts me in a stroller. That's about it, it's just a single small piece, and I was so young that I'm surprised that I remember. It's about two seconds long and I just remember him walking up, then me crawling around on his bed while he was laying down taking a nap.
Even though I never knew my father, I used to hate him. I didn't know him at all as I said before, but I just hated him. During the rare moments that there would be a conversation about him I just called him by his first name, Larry, just as everyone else did. They never lasted long, usually they were just about how I should be taller since Larry and my mom both are. Whenever we did talk I'd feel pure anger inside even though I never showed it. I don't think that me saying why I hated him so much would mean anything, since that would just make this entry even more corny. But I will anyway. I just hated him for never answering those letters that my mom sent him, and because he never sent money to help my mom.
There came one part in my life where I completely loathed him. At first I was curious about him and happy that I could talk to him on the phone once a week, but after a year I went through a small time when I began to get a better idea of things. When I was really changing from some little tiny girl to something a bit closer to beginning to be more mature. The reason why I hated him and had that small ten-minute call with him once a week was because he'd sent court papers to my mom.
He wanted full custody of me.
I didn't even remember him but he wanted me to move there, all the way across the country; away from the family that I knew and loved and me just live there with him for full time. It makes some sense to me now, or at least I've got vague guesses as to why he suddenly wanted to know me. I thought that maybe after all of the years he decided to know who I was. It's really all that I can think of of why he'd suddenly gone to court. My mom told me that he'd never even called her to ask if he could see me. She says that one day she was just going through the mail and opened the envelope and there it was. It just made me hate him. In a way, I still do, but now I pity him more than anything. He must have really been desperate to pull something like that off.
After a few years passed, two or three, my mom says that Larry had dropped the case. During that period I'd only talked to him about twice on the phone, even though he'd been supposed to call me twice every week. I don't know what he thought. Wanting full custody of me. Even though I was his daughter by blood, I had and have no idea who the hell he really is. It still doesn't make sense. Maybe he didn't keep up those full two calls a week because he found it difficult to talk to me. I don't know. I can't figure out how his mind works. I try but then I think about something else that makes anything that I thought I'd figured out before senseless again.
As I said before now I just don't hate him. At least not as much. He's a stranger to me, and now I just pity Larry. I wonder if he's sitting down on his couch right now thinking about he screwed up his life. If he cheated on his wife with my mom, I wonder how many other women there were just like my mom; not even knowing that he was married. I wonder how often he thinks about that, or if he even thinks about it at all.
It's strange how I turned out to be such an anti-girly girl since I've lived with my mom who is pretty feminine at times. I dunno how that happened, but I'm glad that I'm too girly. Sure I like to look pretty. I got pretty giddy when I caught a boy looking at me when I was taking a walk two days ago. It made me feel pretty. =3
But since the only people who read my journey are namely boys, I'll stop talking about it for your dude's sakes. wink whee
Through times we all get stronger in some point of our lives. Some people who live a life of luxary might forget about the struggles that they went through in the past. But I think that every human being faces some certain time in their life time that they'll never really forget about even if it fades away and looses its meaning. It'll still stay there no matter what. In the case of Larry my father, I know that I've definately grown up because I can talk about it. I hated him so much that I never talked to anyone about I felt towards him. He almost made me feel... cheap. But now I can talk. It still stings in some way, but now I can talk about while keeping a strait face and not feeling like I have to go beat the crap out of the hallway wall.
Growing up is good. I feel that I can understand things in an un-naïve way. I'm still a teenager and I should enjoy my life so I can feel like I kicked some a** in the past once I'm older. You should still think about your future once you reach high school, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go out and do something that'll make history. Being a teenager is the part of your life where you're supposed to go out and do something totally insane! So while growing up is good, you've still got to take life and enjoy it as much as your life style allows you to.
I feel like some old nun right now talking about this. Sheesh. @_@;
I think that this is enough. This entry has transformed itself into a frikkin' novel! But talking about this has got me feeling pretty good now. I can't really do anything right now though; but I should probably take this moment to go down stairs and do something like tickling my niece. Speaking of my niece, I've nicknamed her Chibi Gracie-chan. This is the part where I definately know that I spend way too much time on the internet and watching anime. :XP:
Leave a comment if you've read this. I notice that people read but only a few drop what they think about it. Comment! I like to see what people think.
Oh, and check out these new emotion-cons: burning_eyes cheese_whine dramallama wahmbulance emo I don't like them too much. talk2hand
 MythicalYoko · Thu Jun 22, 2006 @ 01:31am · 10 Comments |
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