|
2-7 (sorry for the whining) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
2-7
And THIS is why i always run. Why i always keep people away. I shouldn't left back last march like i wanted. Like i usually do. 3-4 months and up and leave. That way i get the joy of having people i can pretend care, matter, and allow myself to find important without suffering the pains of the end. Whether it's a willing tearful good bye, or a biiter silence. I've always been sure to spare myself that pain. I guess I musta felt it at sometime....or felt someone who had. I had imagined leaving the guild and everyone in it so many times....while it was easy of course. But then i grew attached. Facebook, then cellphone.....i'm such a moron. I've put myself through hell to experience the high even though i somehow knew i couldnt handle the low. Maybe i was so dilusional i thought it wouldnt end.....
But it always ends doesn't it? People always change, grow apart, fight, cross the line, whatever the hell it is. People always leave. I guess i'm missing the point of trying to make a bond when you know it can be destroyed by a single snip of the Fates scissors......cuz there has to be a reason. Else people wouldnt do it.
I'm doing it again....i decided to leave the guild that like week or two ago and since then i've thrown myself into MWG....
But that's always been how i worked. Cause myself pain to avoid pain, throw myself full-time, whole-heartedly into something else until i think i'm in danger of being hurt, then the cycle continues. My mpther says i don't have a schedule. Pah. I do. Just not daily.
A week of misery until i find new thing
2 months of doing what i'm told, remembering to eat at least twice a day
1-2 months of hyper sporadic behaviour and forgetting tasks
1 week of misery eating a total of 2 meals that week, sleeping the whole time, not doing what i'm told, incapable of remembering anything, sometimes even hallucinating.
That's my cycle. Has been for years. DS and gaia ******** it up. ******** up my sanity. It may have bern sociopathic, unhealthy, dangerous, and scewed, but it was sanity none the less.
Ugh. This is terrible timing. I'm on trial period for these specialized birth control pills and if mum don't think i'm better in 3 months she'll have me put on anti-depressants......she also threatened to set me up on 'play dates'. I can't handle all this s**t if i'm torn to pieces by attachments i should never have made. But it's far too late for regretts. It's done. Permanent. I can't get rid of them....they'll always be here and i'll always be wherever, be whoever the need me to wherever, whatever, whenever they need. Cuz that is also who i am.
You know it's times like these i want someone i can call on at any hour that i could go visit just to have them hug me and tell me everythings going to be okay. It's also the time i just to push everyone i know away and start over. Conflicting personalities wanting different things. As usual. Stuck with the pain and nothing to do but shut up and try to lock it up as i've always done then find something to fill the gap so i don't have the think about it.
And......the physical pain just hit. My mental and physical responses are never synched. Thank gods for that! I don't how i'd handle both....but now i gotta sleep with it....and get up tomorrow...... And go to school. A challenge i've never had.
I....i don't want saphy to go. I don't want anyone to go! I'm sick of being alone or forgotten. I don't want the people more important than ANYTHING to me to fight, to be hurt, or to leave. I......i would do anything for them.....i just want them to stay.
 BSPBleach · Wed Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:42am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
