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So I finally heard back from the doctor today |
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And they said I have bulges in my back along with severe inflammation of my joints. She told me authretic (arthritis) almost which made my mouth drop. She said I need to start going to physical therapy & they're prescribing me medicine to take for the pain. 4 to 8 weeks I have to take it & if it doesn't help they said I need to go back in for x-rays & more tests cause the MRI didn't pick anything more up. After I hung up the phone I just shook my head & told myself everything would be fine, like I always do. I had pushed it to the back of my mind cause I didn't want to be out of it for work, but when I got home I told my dad about it.
He got so angry with what I told him & I didn't realize why till he said "You're only 21 for Christs sakes, why do you have to deal with all these problems?!" And that took me back a bit, because he told me none of his side of the family (which we don't know at all) ever had any off these medical problems. But on my mothers side of the family they have a lot of things passing down. Addy & Manda with the hip & knee problems, I don't know where my scoliosis came from, I don't know anyone on my mothers side that has it, maybe I was just born at the wrong time with it.
I've had my scoliosis since birth, my tumor I dealt with for a year & a half then had it removed, my thigh problem which I dealt with pain for 3 years to this day, my hip pain, my anxiety, my depression, and now this. I can no longer drive for more than 5 minutes without pain so bad I want to scream. On my way to school I cry because it gets to the point where the pain is so bad I need help getting up or I need to lift myself out of my car. I can't sit for long periods of time because the pain hits like a ton of bricks and I can't concentrate. It hurts to breath, or move, laying down is the only way it doesn't hurt. That's cool but I can't just lay in bed for the rest of my life. Yes I have a lot of s**t that's wrong with me but I keep it to myself, I will not use it as a crutch like others do. I don't want people to think badly for me or be all "Ohh I'm sorry, blah blah blah" But today, everything just finally hit me like a slap to the face.
So here I am, sitting on my bed in tears, I knew I was bound to have a breakdown soon I just didn't know it'd be this soon. I'm 21 years old, I'm only 21 years old and I don't understand why I have to go through all this pain every day. I tell myself it's all gonna be okay, you can push through it, things could be worse, there are people far worse than you. I know that I do & I'm great full for everything I have & have been given, but it's just not fair. Everyone always tells me how strong of a person I am but I don't understand why they say that when I'm not. I feel as if I'm slowly breaking more and more each day with this pain. I might sound like a baby but no one realizes just how much it hurts. My mother asks me how I'm feeling and I tell her I'm in pain. My father looks at me and doesn't even have to ask, he can see it in my face. The lack of sleep from my tired eyes & from the redness of how much I cry at night or during the day when I think no ones listening. I'll always just smile & say "I'm fine, it's not that bad today, really." When he looks at me with that sad look & says "I'm sorry baby, you don't deserve any of this pain" that's when I start to fall apart.
I'm trying my best to be strong & I'm trying not to think about it. But it doesn't help that I'm alone all the time, I don't have anyone. I don't have someone who can hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright, or lay with me at night and comfort me when I cry cause it hurts so bad. Yes I have my best friends and the people I love but I don't want to push any of this on to them. Their my problems & I don't want to trouble them or worry them. My parents understand as much as they can, they know only what I tell them but they can't feel the pain so they do their best to help me when they can. But I feel empty and lost because I see everyone so happy & here I am completely pulled away from everything. I can't enjoy going to the movies or going out to eat anymore because it hurts too much to be sitting up for that long. And whats worse is that the pain is now spreading across my back, making it hurt to breath or move in the slightest bit.
I can't do anything anymore & it's scaring me, I don't understand what I did to have all this thrown onto me. Is it that I'm a bad person? Have I done something so bad to have all this s**t as a punishment? I've done everything I could to help people through life. My friends & family always come before anything, even myself. I always do things to help my friends out, whenever they need me I'm there. I've gone above & beyond for the people I love & I have no problem doing that. I enjoy having my loved ones happy, it makes me happy knowing I helped them even if it was in the smallest of ways.
So why do I have to bear all of this pain alone? What have I done to deserve this? I don't understand it at all. I can't deal with it, it's not fair. I don't even know what else to say except it's not fair. I don't want this anymore. I don't want the pain, I don't want the stress, I don't want to have to drive back & forth to the city to get tests or medicine. Why should I?! I'm only 21! I'm laughing & crying as I write this because it's nuts, it just blows my mind completely. I don't know how to handle this anymore, sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep, that's it, all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. Yep it's gotten to that point where I'm not even going to bother. I've been keeping my smiling mask on for so long it's cracked and broken. I can't anymore, I just can't, it's too much for me. So I'm just going to do what I've wanted to do every day since this pain started getting worse. I'm going to cry. I'm going to lay in bed & cry till I can't anymore or till I fall asleep. Then I'm not going to get out of bed until I absolutely have to.
I don't know what else to do. I'm taking one day at a time, as slowly as I can. But I'm getting so tired of it, I feel like I'm slipping from my own sanity. The lack of sleep doesn't help that at all but what can I do. Sleeping pills, they seem to be helping slightly but I still wake up from time to time. I can't explain it & I don't understand it at all. All I know is that, I'm not okay. I'm not fine. I'm scared.
 Kanato · Sat May 07, 2011 @ 05:15am · 0 Comments |
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