well before i start my tirade, i just wanna say, DAMN I LOVE GAIANS!!!! its like miniwargaming staff. they're absolutly, wonderfuly, incandesantly insane!!! (ok so i stretched the meaning of incandesant....) there. that was your icebreaker
now i dont think i've really mentioned much before how disfunctional my family was....but guess i am now. *deep breath*
well my family argues a lot. like a lot nii chan and nee chan fight like little kids with tempers. normal i guess. but i can live with them, cuz they are after all just children. but the rest of my family? they're worse. my mother, father, and older brother fight over everything constantly. The problem is, all of us, and i mean all of us, are alphas. we are aggressive, we will be right, we will not be quieted. basically a pain in the a**. what makes me different, is im passive aggressive. i may be all those things, but i dont do it to your face, i dont let my emotions and whims overwhelm all other brain functions like they do. i fume quietly in my head at 1am and plot revenge that i know i'll never dish out. too guilty to do anything bad intentionally to them. whats sad is they dont even know im guilty. they think i cant feel sadness or remorse.....but thats a different rant. *more deep breaths*
i normally could live with the fights. i was used to them. and even partook in them. but suddenly, like all my changes......i just changed overnight. i started 'locking up' my feelings. i kept them under control, so now i notice them a bit more. and now i cant stand them. everytime one of them argues, everytime someone acts like a jackass, does something selfish, my heart rate gets higher, my chest gets tighter (why i keep taking deep breaths) and i count the minutes untill i can move out (hopefully to someplace near Leeds or Oxford universities) even more eagerly.
guess my patience doesnt last as long as i thought......in my defense, everyone supposedly has a breaking point. mine just takes an objective view point, and constant wear.
random sentence.....its a good thing im not 'attracted' to anyone. i really dont deserve it.
 BSPBleach · Fri Apr 15, 2011 @ 01:31am · 0 Comments |
