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ok there is absolutly no reason to read this. at all. its just me hitting myself for stupidity and probably a pity party. SO GO AWAY!!!
anyways. mum just got back from here date with dad so of course i feel awful. i think i know why now. its not just because she points out every little thing thats wrong even if i wasnt supposed to be responsible for it, or because she makes it sound like she did all the work and all i had to do was sit there and yet i somehow managed to fail that. well okay, its mostly that. but its also cuz im stupid. i havnt stopped it yet. ive tried so hard for five years and i havnt. all i did was throw away my empathy, and most other emotions in my attempt to not care. now i seem to not care about anything but the thing i wanted to not care about.
Okay so you know i have a twin right? well he used to not be so bad. he was michevious yea, but so was i. we were smart and wanted to learn and try things, and normal games and daycare (at the time im referring, we were to young for school) just didnt entertain us enough. didnt really help that both parents were working to afford to feed us and all. but then something amazing happened!! (besides the fact we somehow lived through our mothing caring for us) my dad did what my mother claimed to know he would do all along. he got money. he got promoted to this big military contract by going goverment instead of private and got moved overseas. it was pretty awsome. mum could afford to quit work, we could eat three meals a day, didnt have anything shut off, we were paid to go to private school. course it wasnt all that great....dad worked just about all the hours of the week, and when he didnt, he was at school since he never went to college. so we didnt really get to see him. and mum found out she all the medical issues once she quite work, so she did arrands while we were at school, then once we came home she went to all her massages and crap. or whatever party she was having whatever. i was always a loner. i didnt mind. but my brother was a very needy child. and since mum brushed him off a lot saying she was busy and he needed her to wait and finish, despite my efforts to play with my brother to keep him out of trouble, he started acting out to force her to pay attention to him. that caused her stress.
now i dont know if you heard this ocnversation or not, but i was an empath. i could feel every little thing others felt around me. and a lot of times those feelings affected me in turn. so cuz my mum started feeling really bad and got fed up with my brother fast, i started doing everything. i made sure to get good grades, i made sure my brothers room was clean as well as my own, i made sure he was up, dressed, and fed for school. i tried my best to keep him out of trouble at school, i played with him when he was sick since most illnesses never caused me any symptoms. i started doing chores. i brought up and down laundry, i even learned how to use the washer and dryer. i swept all the floor. i helped my brother with the dishwasher when i cud, i helped mum cook, dust and take care of the yards. i talked with my dad when he was home working on our van. i did a lot. and as upset and tired as i would sometimes feel, i, like always and still do, just smiled and made sure everyone was as happy as i could make them.
but when we moved to the states. it all, changed. my mother still had issues, dad still worked a lot, and my brother still caused problems....but i was different. even now im not 100% sure what happened....but i know it was awful. it was a completly different culture and inviroment here. but the one thing that i remeber best, and still pains me as much as the day they were said, was being called a liar. over everything. being from britain, being twins, being to a castle (12 actually) they even called me a liar about an atomic kitten song!! they bloody british songs!!! anyway....
after a couple years living here, dealing with people here, and my mother, i just...gave up. people here were always sad, always wanting something not caring at all fro what they had. it made me mad. i couldnt do anything to help them if they are blind to their surroundings, so why the hell should i try and help knowing it will do nothing but cause me pain, while they stay sitting there moping!! you know what happened then fro ma previous rant/entry, but i also lost practally all my ability to feel other peoples feeling, or really any of my own. its rare for me to feel anything, and i do still know what people are feeling, but only from habit, form seeing them and how they act. i no longer feel it. i stopped caring about people. thats why. im at least sure of that. but for some reason, i still care what the hell my mother and brother (and my little brother and sister) think or feel. why?! their the main reason i wanted to stop caring, wanted stop feeling and helping. and now they're the only thing i care about........
its because im pathetic. thats why. just look at me!! im sitting here typing in self pity for pain and stupid mental problems, and past issues!!! ugh. again i am here disgusted at myself. ok. while im still mad at myself and more importantly, not crying, im going to try and go to sleep.
 BSPBleach · Sat Mar 05, 2011 @ 05:53am · 0 Comments |
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