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I think that would be a good way to describe it......
well I'll start with something good...no wait. I'll see if i can end on something good. may help me not stay up for so long.....
so bad. oh dear. okay. so I feel well terrible. more specifically...well umm. I feel hopeless? lost? overwhelmed? those are the first three words that come to mind....something simple. i;'m homeschooled. already know that, but im working up to it here. for some reason im having problems writting, or typing, whatever. so i'm homeschooled and twice a year i'm supposed to have a review with the AACEA i think is the accronym. they look over my work to make sure im learning enough properly. problem is, they expect more the double the work from homeschoolers than they do public schoolers. i get in a lot of trouble from them cuz i take longer to write, and to learn. that i learn math in a very rare way that only one person has ever been able to teach. and she cant teach me. but at least when i learn, its habit, and it never goes away. i may take twice as long, but i remember it four times as long. but they dont care. they dont care that i really am trying, that my family doesnt have time to babysit me all day to be sure i am and am able to work. im a genetic (whatever) procrastinator. everyone in my family on both sides for generations have been. the difference? they had the time and money to buy help to fix it. i cant. i have to try and power through it. i fail a lot which feels terrible, but at least im trying which is a hundred times more than my father......a few times i succeed. and i tell you i have never felt such a feeling as that. ever. i succeeded in something that i tried to do all by myself. cuz i wanted to. i wish i could feel that kind of joy more often.....only felt it a couple of times though, the rest of the time i receed back into the gloom of this hell thats been created for me. i have never handled stress well. well technically i have, as in i never brake down, collapse or panic and such. i just clam up through it untill the end. then i shut down. oh well cant change that. it was hard enough dealing with the damned review, but mum insists i start taking classes and stopped putting off the accuplacer. at first it was because i was so afraid i would fail, and what my mother would think when i did. but then i was more worried bout the classes themselves. people there are much older than me, and many struggled to pace the entrance exam and i just walked over it like it was nothing. and of course homework. she signed me up for two classes at once on top of my normal schooling, and im starting my third in march. i understand now why the highschools didnt let their students take time off of school to take college classes untill they had the credits to graduate and could skip classes in their schedules. now mother is putting me through classes she expects em to ace. that i expect me to ace. its damned piano!! ive been playing since i was 5!!! how could i fail?? but i am. i cant manage the homework. at home when i manage to practice, i usually do fine. but when im in class i fall apart. i mess it all up and then the teacher says im not practicing enough and i need to practice more and one class i almost lost it. im losing it now. gods. i feel that pain of failing and disappointing people far to much. i dont think there is anything i hate more than that wrenching feeling that so easily picks you up and throws you down a path of self-pity or self-loathing or hatred whatever word you prefer. or well any other road or path that you hide in when you are at your weakest. my mother of course doesnt understand. she had tons of friends and boy friends and they all were there to help here and console her so she never felt that way. hell she minded enough that if she ever felt like she let someone down, she just shook her head and pushed some of the blame onto someone else and the rest on her for thinknig that person did or couldnt do something. sorry bout the tense there, know it changed. i started writting/typing from a memory.........you know she plans on me having 24 damned credits by the time im 18?? i can only take a max of three a semester.......she expects me to be great and all. like my grnadmother they think im the best person on the planet. im smart, pretty, responsable, willed, and can get what ever i strive for. ive yet to figure out where they get reason for those assumptions......i may be smart in tests, people may think im pretty, i may be willed at times (not in public mind you) and ive never gotten something ive wnated cuz ive wanted it. they make me out to be amazing and above everyone else and expect me to be beyond everyone else. but when im put up to average nad less than average public schoolers, im not. i always got in trouble in LA with the teacher cuz she hated the way i did everything, and cuz i learned to speak, write, and spell in England, i got in trouble for habits. I always got in trouble in math cuz i was slower, and judt didnt understand just because she wrote it on a board in front of me. I got in trouble in history cuz i argued. I got in trouble in home ecs cuz i didnt have friends (really??) and of course i was always in trouble for attendence. i spent almost all of my 8th grade missing most my LA, math, and variious core classes. cuz i had all kinds of doctor appointments. the first three weeks were testing for health cuz it was the first time i had ever caught more than a fever. then thru december it was my wrists. xrays after xrays and various physicals to find out i had ganglysists in both my damned wrists. course then i had to wear braces for weeks and got hell for that in school. then thru march it was eye appointments which turned up emtpy and were continued last year. then for the rest of the year, i spent class time at various doctors and hospitals for other members of my family, and taking blood tests for lyme disease. kids always hated me. dont understand why though....anyways. how did i get to this? so homeschooling. well after that hell of a year, i quit and resumed homeschooling which i had been doing off and on since i moved to the states in '03 i think it was. i was stil doing awfull, but at least my mother and father had an easier time with me home. so well i didnt care. i wasnt doing well either way, might as well pick the option that helped people the most. public school, stress parents and lower the teachers pass rate. homeschool, mother and father have more availablity as i can babysit the little ones for free. either way was hell of stress on me......who cares my grandmother thinks i should be in school, and church, and have tons of friends. that i should have at least had a date by age or at least asked for one, or that i should be begging my mother to spend nights out with friends, on activities, or with some guy. im beyond caring what she thinks anymore. well thats starting to sound a little harsh. well im done with this damned recurring topic.
i want to move on to the good topic, but every time i try and write, i....just well lose my words. its as if my new found word-master, mind-weaver, lord of other worlds has stolen them all to use for his stories.....as you might have guessed, its about a guy who writes. if you hadnt, well boo on you for unobservancy. anyways the only thing that i can think to say is that his work is beautiful, amazing, and best of all untainted. the soul he obviously has put into his work isnt tainted, trompled over, twisted or contorted as published works are. theyre strait from him, so they are pure. and they are magnificant pieces of work. i wish i could read more of work at once. i lost my mind to his words with only two paragraphs. i feel sorry for my future reads now. they will all suffer comparison. they always were before, but now it wont just be the content, itll be the words as well. hes like myself, is active at night, and slugish at day.
during twilight i wake and run with the moonlight untill the first rays of sun warms my face and lulls me to sleep. i sleep undisturbed but to wake for the zenith of my guardian, but to sleep again untill he sinks to sleep waking me to say goodnight. and again the moon rises pulling my mind from the warm, sleepy embrace of day to run with me during the new come night.
well not sure where it came from, but it came from somewhere. and for some reason i wrote it down. oh well. at least it calmed both my heart and mind. mostly. maybe i can get some sleep before 2am.....ugh. morows monday and i havnt even touched my homework for the class for.....two weeks.......
 BSPBleach · Mon Feb 21, 2011 @ 05:34am · 0 Comments |
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