i decided to write this down, since it has been keeping me up, and has been causing some form of distress for awhile.
I have had many people in my family, or friends of my family die. Drunk driving, murder, escalated robbery, posioning beacuse someone was trying to save money, because they offended the wrong person. And I think how the didn't get a choice in weither they died or not. They were really good people that tried to make everyone happy, and they died. I nearly died before I could even breathe, but I was given a second chance. And I'm a terrible person. They were good people, but they didn't recieve another chance. They can no longer make other peoples lives better, bring a little piece of joy to their part of the world making thei own change in the world. Maybe they're what keeps me from being suiecidal. I couldn't kill anyone or anything, not even bugs with a clear conscience anymore. I just keep thinking how I would be just like those people who stripped the life from really good people who deserved to live long, happy lives. Who should've lived to make the world better.
And for some reason, it hurts me a lot when people say i hate people, and want to kill everyone. I don't have friends beacuse i walk around wanting to kill everyone. Even the two people I can pretend to call friends think that. It hurts me a lot for some reason.
Even though my mother and grandmother would screw their pride and beliefs, and put me in some asylum for this, but I am seriously torn between my beliefs. Is God a good being? As loving and forgiving as all the church ministers try to cinvince me He is? How can he when he lets good people die, but helps all the bad people in the world. The ones that make me ashamed to be human? Like me?
Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God, or just something else who thinks this is all some kind of ironic game or something....
There I said it. Maybe I can get some sleep now. At least few minutes more....
Oh. And don't ever call me a liar. Contradictary, I lie. A lot. But I have never, ever broken a promise. So don't go there.
 BSPBleach · Tue Dec 14, 2010 @ 09:35am · 0 Comments |
