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has lead me to believe my life is amazing.
It actually is. It's only amazing because I'm shielded away from the horrid.
For example:
-I'm not cool enough to be with the popular crowd who are backstabbing, psychotic children who sleep around with others and won't shut up for the life of them.
-I am in a stable household, no matter how unstable the people I live with are.
-I am a homebody, so I can't step foot outside and get kidnapped, or god forbid raped.

There is a lot more, trust me.

This week has been horrible. I set myself up on Sunday for disappointment. Well, I didn't expect Rai to be that attractive and just that cool. And because I am such a "hikikomori" I guess I mistook niceness or just plain awkwardness for signs of attraction? I don't know. FML. F.M.L.
Because the only things related to crushes and romance I know of, are the stuff I see on the Computer Screen (Because I don't get out of my room to watch TV >.> I watch it on my computer instead). TV is sooo not like reality, and I tend to forget that.
That was the beginning.
The next day, I was being the listener and listed to all the drama that these "popular" (IDK why they're popular, they're just bitchy) kids cause. Made me happy that I was actually anti-social. No, no I'm shy. I will talk if you talk to me. I'm just shy.
NEXT DAY, I actually spoke to the coolest guy I know(Aside from Drake & Lonnie) about Sir Rai, and that was the big slap in the face saying "STOP WATCHING TV, REALITY IS NOTHING LIKE IT." Thanks, Meiun. Thank you. I actually needed it, really. Set myself up for disappointment quite a lot.
Today, reminded of my past that I miss so very much. Just me and the guys, tweaking on video games because we have nothing better to do. I didn't have that much insecurity issues, or gender confusion, or any of that other bullshit.

Not to mention my dad might have to move away. I mean, it's for the best, really. But...gah I like being near my dad.

I'm rather jealous, really, of the family my parents have right now. I'm the outcome of a relationship that would never work out, with one of the worst factors ever, and now both sides are happy while I'm stuck in the middle with no family of my own. I barely ever got to spend time with my mom. Like, actual quality time with her. Same with my dad. Their either sleeping, at work, or busy with their own children.


I'm a ******** Tsundere character, and I hate it so much. I don't want people to think of me as some kind of psycho meanie face or whatever. I just liked being that kid in your class who would help you if you needed anything, or wouldn't mind talking about stupid crap that is funny. I want to be a total sweetheart regardless if I lack the face of one. I know I'm not an open person, that's the last thing anyone would probably list me as.

I want to be myself, but I really, really can't.
I don't even know who that is.