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Alice looked at me one day while we sat embroidering. "I'm sorry," she said suddenly. But I knew what she was talking about.
"No apologies," I told her. "It had to be done. I was too weak."
Both Edward and I had been weak, in our pride. Because we were so proud, we plunged our country into civil war, the country we had sworn to protect. And only death could have ended our stubborn feud.
I had waited to read the letter until everything had been settled that first day and I sat in my room, ready for bed. Not even a day had passed since his death.
"Dearest Alisyn," the letter began.
"When I think about what I am doing to you, I ache to my very core. I do not know why I cannot stop this. I suppose...
"I am angry with you, because you hurt me. I realize now that it's likely my fault. I am constantly wondering if it had really bothered you, the things I said the night Victoria left. I admit now...I was upset. And I turned my anger on you. I was upset because I was always getting angry or hurt by someone, and all you ever did was sit there calmly. You had this wall around you--I wanted to see if there were really emotions behind that wall. And even after I said those awful things...you never said a word. I thought you were just some emotionless witch, and you never cared for me. So I tried to build my own wall--but it was hard, because I did care for you.
"You still didn't respond. I fell to despair. And that's when...I threw you out. It was stupid, stupid and childish of me--and I couldn't take it back. I was too proud. So one thing led to another, until it came to this. And still, you've never cried or even asked me why I did these things.
"I've...never felt this way for a woman but once, and she passed away long ago. I distanced myself then. But you...you were different from everyone else. You made me love you, in spite of myself. I didn't know how to maintain my barriers when I was so in love with you.
"Yes, Alisyn. I love you, more than anything else. But I'm afraid I did not show it well.
"I was totally convinced that you didn't love me, you see. So I tried to forget about you. I even tried to replace you after a while. When I found out it was you who had charmed me at the ball, I was so angry. I had thought I'd finally found someone else, but it was you all along! And I was embarrassed that I had shown my feelings. I couldn't replace you."
Yes, Edward. I couldn't replace you, either. Oh, I tried so hard, but...
"I chose to dwell in my anger--it was easier. And that anger led me to do terrible things. To even think of killing you...and Lord Philip...I am so, so sorry. You were always so comfortable with men. And I was afraid... Such a stupid, base fear, but I felt it all the same, and anger fanned the flames.
"Finally I met a woman who was a little like you--though far short. Still, I was going mad without you and trying so hard to forget. So, for a deluded moment I thought I would marry Lady Beatrice. But she left without a word, leaving me crushed again.
"So now we come to this. I let you go, and now you have moved on. Sir Jacob does indeed look like he will care for you. I hate him so much for taking you, but it is my fault. I hope you are happy. And I hope little Ethan grows up well. I suppose I will never see him, will I?
"May the best person win this war. I have no doubt it will be you. My heart is not in it...
"But I suppose I shall just keep going and going, until there is nothing left that I can do. That is all I can think of.
"Alisyn, I just wonder. Even after all that's happened...even after you've found him...
"Is there any chance you might still love me? Did you ever love me?
"I have been telling myself that you do. In fact, I really think you might sometimes. It is the only thing keeping me sane these days. But I still doubt. Even now, all I see is hatred in your eyes.
"I want to tell you all these things. But I know I never will. I am too proud, and afraid. So I will carry on until the end. And you will never, never know.
"I know I have no excuse for what I did to you. But I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and...I love you.
"Edward"
I lay my eyes on my hand and cry quietly. It is as if I wrote this letter to him, instead of the other way around. We felt the same all this time, but the words were never spoken until it was too late.
I do not know what would have happened if we had spoken earlier. But surely it would have been better than this.
[Alisyn's last two posts have been soooo cheesy. bwahahahaha, I'm sorry lol]
 LadyAlisyn · Fri Aug 07, 2009 @ 01:30am · 0 Comments |
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