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[This chapter got a little weird without my meaning to. But there was no remedy for it. I mean...well, whatevs.]
As I said long ago, I do not remember much at all after that night when Edward was so upset. But one night stands out perfectly--my last night as uncontested queen. My last night at home.
As usual, the joking ended once we entered our rooms. I was used to it by now--it had been months--but it still hurt every time.
My maids helped me dress for bed...and then I was surprised to feel Edward's arms around me when I entered the bedroom.
"I should be letting you go..." he whispered. "But it's so hard..."
"What?" I whispered quickly. But he didn't answer. I didn't move, in case he was teasing me, but I ached to turn around and kiss him and cry, "Oh, you do love me after all!"
But he just let go after a while, and got into bed. I stood for a moment, utterly perplexed. What could he have meant? Then I extinguished the candle.
"Alisyn." His voice suddenly came out of the darkness. He sat up and re-lit the candle.
"Yes?" I tentatively sat on my side of the bed.
His voice sounded different now--hardened. "I was trying to be tolerant," he said, and my gut tightened anxiously. "But we can't keep up this charade any longer."
I waited, my breath coming fast.
"Get out, now," he went on, and his voice rose angrily. "Just get out, make it easier for everyone!"
Suddenly I snapped. I couldn't speak with rage. I was so sick of this whole thing! How dare he tell me--
"Edward, you must have gone mad. Have you forgotten who is the true ruler of this kingdom? Have you forgotten who brought you here?" I h ad never, ever been angry with him before, and I felt sick.
His face when he looked at me was a mess of pain and anger.
"Oh, God, Alisyn!" he yelled suddenly, and struck me across the face. I didn't even take the time to be shocked. Next we were fighting and punching and kicking each other, and crying all the while...and then suddenly our lips found each other.
It was the strangest, most unqueenly, most common night I'd ever spent. And confusing, as well. Full of all these muddled, conflicting emotions, all coming out at once in a fierce overall expression of love and anger.
At dawn, however, he said it again.
"Get out."
Before I knew it, I was being seized by guards, and thrown into the streets in my nightgown. And I did not try to get back inside. I was too overcome with shame, too full of pride.
But I admit now...once I had found a place to lay my head in some dingy alley, and all my anger had died down...I sobbed for hours, heartbroken.
This baby, growing inside me...every time I dress and see my rounding belly I think of that night it came into being. It hurts, and sometimes I feel bitter towards the child for reminding me. But I try to forget. I cannot blame this child for the sins of its father.
 LadyAlisyn · Fri Jul 31, 2009 @ 09:46pm · 1 Comments |
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