Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

alot of pain and suffering went into this message and that won't be the last either...

I know the feelings all too well of wondering whether or not the battle is worth fighting. It can be tough, Oh my god, it can be tough but, from what I've experienced so far with Derek it is a good thing to fight for. I honestly think and feel that Amanda just wants to get to a stable point in her life where she doesn't feel like she is a burden to anyone anymore. I don't know if she understood that she wasn't a burden and so she wants to change things, in her mind, for the better. You never really know how long something like that will take so I don't really know what to say other then to make sure that she knows that you are there for her. If you don't feel that you can wait and continue to fight then at the very least let her know you are moving on. In the end the ball is in your court and its up to you and what you feel like you can do.
(I know I am your little sister and rightfully I really should be giving advice, but this is just things that I've learned since I've been living with Derek and the hardships we have been through.)
I love you bro and I hope this helps, even if its a little.

im still a ******** burden to everyone... scream crying scream no matter what i do.
right now im just struggling to survive in my parents house. rent, bills, bills to my parents, bills... to my parents (they say i owe them >$5,000) , that yellowstone bill is still after me i thought i got it taken care of (everyone is telling me you shouldve paid for 1/2 if not the whole bill), and bullshit are dragging me down. i am goin insane still, i lost a lot of weight. but it doesnt matter. yall just move on and have a nice life. i wont bother you any more. i been trying to stay out of it. i go to work, then come back to the house and stay in my room.

thank you for leaving me alone. things are messed up enough and my mother still gives me crap about you seth. i will never escape. the war is still going on but you were always more of a bistander and sometimes an instigater

things you did while i was with you made it very hard on me.
that plus s**t from my mom made life nearly unbearable.
its still all following me my head is beating me up from inside and i get it beat into my head nearly every day by my parents stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed


i just got so much thrown on top of me. sorry to bother you burning_eyes
my emotions are so jacked up i get pissed fast and cry just as fast. most of the time i get pissed off. i got in trouble for punching a wall, yelling back at my mom then storming off and slamming a door sweatdrop and the other day i fought with my mom i was pissed as hell, yelled at her, baited her back to yellat me (thats when she mentioned you and that im a failure and a screwup with no future) then i screamed in anger then cried so hard i hyperventalated on my way to work.

more and more each day im told in a round-a-bout way that i screwed up and/or they point out how im a failure without actually calling me one.... i have seriously been considering joing the AirForce agin... to get the hell outta here, to shut them up... to get my thoughts rewired and cleaned up... to prove im not a failure... to grow up





[Disclaimer: i am a very nice person]
~for anyone who doesnt know me or know what ive been through.... its none of your fking business. scream dont judge me
~to those who DO know me: sorry bout the language im stressed, pissed off, and hurt sweatdrop