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Here recently, I said goodbye to a wonderful person. My long time boyfriend, who shall remain nameless, although anyone with half a brain could tell you who it was.
The love had just run out and I couldn't take lying to him everytime I said 'love you.' So, I chose to end it. He claimed he was planing on ending it one night before I actually did, but I'm not sure . . .
Anyway, I had thought we ended on good terms. I was wrong. I'm not entirely sure what motivated him to grow bitter, but he did. A mutual friend of ours, we'll call him Matt, met him at a bar and my ex proceeded to rant about how aweful I was. Basically, I cheated on him. Or so he claims.
I suppose I brought it on myself. When we spoke last, he laughed that he'd have trouble letting go. I had said that I had let go a long time ago.
'Just pretend I cheated on you, that'll make you find closer fast,' I think I said. We laughed about it then, but I suppose blaming the other person is easier than blaming oneself.
I'm not angry.
I'm not bitter.
I'm hurt he would say such things, when I have chosen not to speak about him to mutual friends.
And yet, I'm relieved. I'm not going to call him to b***h at him or call him out. I'm just going to let him do what he wants to do. I did it all our relationship, why stop now? He can think what he wants. I doubt we'll ever see each other again, which is fine with me.
The election is coming up. I have to say, I'm scared. If McCain gets into office, I'm pretty sure this country won't last long. I've already spoken to my parents and friends.
If McCain wins, I'm going back to Europe, for good. Or at least until his term is over. Or, if he dies in office and Palin gets in, her term is up. Whatever happens, I'm leaving.
Growing up, I've come to realize, is a lot like a morning. All our childhood we are encouraged to dream. But when we reach an age, whatever the age, we are told to wake up, forget our dreams and do something more practical. Everyone settles for less than expectations.
Maybe marriage and love isn't for me? Maybe some people are meant to live alone, to devot themselves to God, or the community, or some other cause. In any case . . .
I suppose this ends another chapter in my life.
Who knows?
Maybe this story's end will only spark another exciting page turner? Or maybe . . . just maybe . . . it's time for me to put down the pen and take up the sword?
My affairs are in order.
I have no regrets.
I'd like to thank the influential people in my life, especially friends here on Gaia . . .
My dear sister TakuniChan, who's stayed the razor more than once.
Level headed YunMei, who has woken me up many a time.
Gentle iDuckie, who has given to me more than just hope.
Sweet Ryou_Ishimaru, who has never had an unkind word to say to me.
Bright Please Get It Memorized, who's undying spirit touched me in a
way not many do.
'know-it-all' Skykece, who has been there for me, via Yahoo, via phone.
'creepy' Zweihander . . . you crazy ********, you! Thanks . . .
A is for Angst, for being a light spirit.
Nixesha, for always rooting for me.
If I have forgotten anyone, I apologize.
It's funny, this ending I sometimes put in my entries.
The 'luv ya, luv yaself, luv blakaize . . .'
I think it's time for a change.
Here goes nothing.
Love
Sara
 Blakaize · Wed Oct 29, 2008 @ 07:20pm · 2 Comments |
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