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Happy-go-Lucky or Stuck in a hole? |
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I think I've been really happy lately, but I'm not entirely sure. Its kinda like this feeling that everything is going to unravel if I make one mistake.
I mean I feel happy for the most part, I can talk to the guy I like everyday and know that he likes me too, I can watch my cat and her newborn kitten be a family and snuggle everyday, school is almost ending and I'll be starting my junior year shortly, and a whole bunch of other happy things in my life. But then there's the events in my life that are ready to explode with the push of a button: My youth group is falling apart along with my singing group, I always feel like my friends are hiding things from me and keeping secrets from me even though in some cases I'm their best friend, my school work is steadily swallowing me whole and consuming my life with me, and my amount of stress is amounting into a steady ticking time bomb ready to blow my head off. I try extremely hard to balance my family, friends, school, and spiritual life, but to no avail. Not to mention, my college life will be coming around in two years, another jump start on my future. Does any one realize whats happening besides me? Sometimes I think I'm the only one who is able to understand myself, and when I skim over everything, I convince myself I am the only person who understands me. But it can't be true! Somebody in this world has to understand! Right? God understands, and in most cases thats good enough, but sometimes a person needs physical confirmation.
That's when I take a step back from everything and look at myself. Is everything really that bad; i mean a few bumps and bruises along the road isn't too bad. There are people in this world who unfortunately have it one hundred times worse than me. I mean sure my parents make me wish that I was never around them, for reasons to be unnamed, and sure my friends sometimes make me feel I have nothing to live for besides my future, and sure my youth group is ready to kill each other and gossip about each other until they've reached the pits of adultery, but at least I have friends to hang out with, parents to protect me, and a youth group to go to. Some people don't even have that.
And you know what, all of friends reading this, if you even care to read, you can get angry all you want, but this is still the way I feel and you should prove to me otherwise if you think otherwise. Have you really stepped up to the plate and realized who I really am? Sure I'm the friends house you come to when there is nothing better to do, or the girl who helps you with your homework when you have no idea what your doing, the girl you call when your bored, or the friend you confide in when there's no one else to turn to. Is that really all I am, because that's all I seem to be. If you can answer the following questions right or truthfully, then this doesn't apply to you:
1. What has been tearing me down the most this whole year?
2. What do I wish for in my future to come?
3. How often do I do what a friend wants instead of what I want?
4. Who do I look out for and why do I look out for them?
5. Who do I love and why do I love them?
And a few of these questions may seem unjust or wrong to you, but I've taken the step back to look through my life, so how about you? Are you ready to make a change or make others change for you? Can you adjust to others needs or are you going to ignore what they need? I've realized what I need to do to change, what about you?
 Dancer of the Moonlit Sea · Mon May 26, 2008 @ 11:40pm · 1 Comments |
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