Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I.Can't.[Breathe.]

I keep starting things over,
Hoping I will reach a new understanding.
A new beginning.
But this IS the beginning...
Of the end.

I’m dreaming in black and white,
Running my crayon over the [blank spaces]
Like a coloring book.
(Why can’t I make it beautiful again?)
When I’m not dreaming, the colors are still
Slip
Slip
Slipping
Down the Earth’s canvas.

I can’t remember how I used to be.
Those sad songs play over and over
(In my ******** head)
But I can’t make sense of these
Day-nightmares. I stare out the window,
But where is the beauty I found before?
Why is the moon just another
Worthless treasure?
The stars seem to be burning slower,
They seem
[Darker.]

Everything stings,
Eyes glaring at me, the sun
Beating down.
(Sun, sun, go away. I don’t want to play today.
I’m feeling just a little
[Down.])
Even the air I breathe is getting
Too heavy, my chest is
Breaking down.
C-a-v-i-n-g--i-n.

It always “one of those days.”
All I do is come home,
Drag myself
Stairs
The
Up
And lay on the floor,
No ambition left.
Just an empty shell.
I don’t even have enough strength to lift
Myself back up.
(And that’s how it is every day.)
Forgive me [not.] I don’t deserve it.

Suddenly confidence is shoved to the back
Of my chest,
Like it never existed anyway.
But it once did.
I’m forgiving everyone who ever hurt me,
Stepping as if walking on glass
I’m caught in a wave.
And I’m scared as hell.
I’m holding on to questions, afraid
One wrong word will
Send me back to
My personal asylum.

I welcome the rain,
Cloudy days are my specialty.
All I know is dark, and dark is all I
Get.
Say hello to the new Sarah,
Smiling just to hold on to
The debris left from the [heart] explosion.
Wearing bracelets and pretending that
No sharp object ever
Punctured
Those precious veins.
Life is just a lie, isn’t it?
Everyone hides behind a mask,
But mine is somehow thicker.

(One simple moment) of courage to
Press harder on the blade, and
[Quickly] rip it across my wrist
Is enough to
F
U
C
K
UP
MY
L
I
F
E
Forever