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I hurt... I hurt so much right now... |
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Before, a chat with Cynic:
Cynic Puppy says:
*tacklerapeage*
Savvi says:
-huggles-
Cynic Puppy says:
<3 How are you?
Savvi says:
I'm... I'm a bit depressed
Cynic Puppy says:
;_;
Cynic Puppy says:
why?
Savvi says:
Because, I'm scared, I kinda want to confront my girlfriend. I think that I might have pushed her into this relationship, and that maybe she doesn't wanna be with me. And I'm just sad, because I work, I never seem to do a good enough good. There's always something wrong.
Cynic Puppy says:
whaa?
Cynic Puppy says:
Haven't you been together for a few years now? if you forced her... wouldn't she have said something?
Savvi says:
that work comment was about my work, not my relationship
Savvi says:
Not really, because she's the type of person who wants to be liked by everyone, and she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, it's possible that she's just afraid of losing my friendship. Not to mention, I've said things before like 'i probably wouldn't be able to live without you.' and she knows I'm a bit Suicidal....
Cynic Puppy says:
._.
Cynic Puppy says:
*hugs tight*
Savvi says:
Not to mention, who wouldn't want to be normal? Have a normal relationship. She doesn't want to lose her mom's love, because of me, and I don't want her to lose it either. I've been thinking about it a lot and I really want to confront her about it. But I'm too much of a chicken s**t to tell her over the phone, and it doesn't seem like she's going to get online
Cynic Puppy says:
x____x
Savvi says:
Sorry
Cynic Puppy says:
well you can't just... ignore it... if she doesn't get online you'll just have to do it over the phone u_u
Savvi says:
I didn't mean to overwhelm you
Cynic Puppy says:
and no being sorry
Cynic Puppy says:
I'm here for you
Cynic Puppy says:
I love you, I love all of my friends, and I want to do what I can to make them feel better or give them advice... or if at the very least, listen to what they have to say and what problems they have... I'm not the best at advice
Savvi says:
-hugs- your doing a fine job
Cynic Puppy says:
Thanks *huggles*
Cynic Puppy says:
I just wish I could help you more @_@
Cynic Puppy says:
I hate to see my friends sad
Savvi says:
XD
Savvi says:
I'll be fine
Cynic Puppy says:
*snuggle*
Savvi says:
she's going to bed.
Cynic Puppy says:
@_@
Savvi says:
I didn't say anything again.
Cynic Puppy says:
;-;
Cynic Puppy says:
you need to or you'll just keep being paranoid @_@
Savvi says:
i know
Savvi says:
i made her get online....
Cynic Puppy says:
*huggles*
Cynic Puppy says:
Good luck.. x__x
Savvi says:
Thanks
Savvi says:
Why did I do this?
Cynic Puppy says:
Because you needed an answer?
Savvi says:
Stephanie Alyssa: I love you, and as of this moment, I want to be your girlfriend, that's what makes me happy.
Stephanie Alyssa: But I know that eventually it has to end...I have to get married and have children or I have to have no relationships with anyone at all
Cynic Puppy says:
*sighs* Why does she think that? u_u
Savvi says:
I don't know
Savvi says:
Stephanie Alyssa: It's not because of you though. It's because of society and the oppinions of my family...and because I'm a chicken and don't want to have people who are predjudice against me for having a female life partner. I'm scared of what people think, and this relationship of ours isn't something that I can keep secret forever. Eventually it will tear me up trying to keep it hidden, or it
Savvi says:
or it will tear me up to know that people know.
Savvi says:
I told you that she thinks too much about how others think about her
Cynic Puppy says:
she does... ._.
Cynic Puppy says:
maybe with time, she will get past that
Savvi says:
I told myself I could handle this
Cynic Puppy says:
*sighs and hugs* The best thing I can say to you... is either... she'll realize love is much more important than what people think of her... and if she doesn't... then she doesn't deserve you
Savvi says:
I didn't think this would ever happen to me
Savvi says:
I was so happy with her
Cynic Puppy says:
I know what you mean u_u
Cynic Puppy says:
I've been there twice :/
Cynic Puppy says:
*hugs tight*
Savvi says:
-hugs back-
Cynic Puppy says:
I wish I could help... u_u
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I'm a foolish basterd. I'm a retard, why did I have to say anything?! I was so happy in my fake little world.... I was so happy knowing she loved me, I thought I could handle this....
Stephanie Alyssa: What's on your mind?
YinYang YangYin: Well I've been thinking a lot lately.
YinYang YangYin: and I've been thinking, that maybe I pressure you way too much...
Stephanie Alyssa: Yeah?
Stephanie Alyssa: What do you mean?
YinYang YangYin: I mean, I've said things before like ''with out you'd I'd die.''
YinYang YangYin: and maybe that's too harsh. Maybe that's not really giving you a choice.
YinYang YangYin: I've been questioning our relationship a lot.
YinYang YangYin: I'm scared that you really are afraid to lose me as a friend
Stephanie Alyssa: Well I am
YinYang YangYin: And I don't want you to think that you have to be with me to be my friend
Stephanie Alyssa: Listen, do you want to know about all the things I've ever thought but been too scared to tell you?
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't want to depress you
Stephanie Alyssa: They arn't nessisarily anything bad about you at all
YinYang YangYin: what are you too scared to tell me?
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm too scared to tell you that I don't see us being lovers forever
Stephanie Alyssa: I love you, and as of this moment, I want to be your girlfriend, that's what makes me happy.
Stephanie Alyssa: But I know that eventually it has to end...I have to get married and have children or I have to have no relationships with anyone at all
Stephanie Alyssa: It's not because of you though. It's because of society and the oppinions of my family...and because I'm a chicken and don't want to have people who are predjudice against me for having a female life partner. I'm scared of what people think, and this relationship of ours isn't something that I can keep secret forever. Eventually it will tear me up trying to keep it hidden, or it will tear me up to know that people know.
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm too close to my family to live in constant fear that they hate me because of the way I am, or because they think that I'm not really this way just because they don't want me to be
Stephanie Alyssa: So I know that eventually I'll have to have a "normal" life, and it will be the happiest and most terrible thing of my entire life and I'll regret forever that I'm not strong enough to stand by your side as your lover until the very end...but your right about my not wanting to lose our friendship
Stephanie Alyssa: I will always love you and if I can't love you as a lover, then I want to at least be able to love you as the bestest, closest most wonderful friend that I've ever had, and will always have.
Stephanie Alyssa: I want you to stay in my life and I want to stay in yours no matter what happens
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm scared we won't be able to do it
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm scared our trying to serperate will only make our desire for one another stronger
Stephanie Alyssa: I cheated on Sean and I said that I would be the type of person to never cheat on anyone
Stephanie Alyssa: What if I do get married and I wind up cheating on my husband with you?
YinYang YangYin: You won't
YinYang YangYin: I'm not going to allow that to happen. I'm not going to let you cheat on someone like that
Stephanie Alyssa: -hugs-
YinYang YangYin: -hugs back-
Stephanie Alyssa: The future scares the living s**t out of me more than anything else and everytime I think a little about it, I get so freaked out and worked up and anxious that I have to calm myself down by saying that, that's years from now and for now I can just enjoy what we have together.
Stephanie Alyssa: But I'm already 20...the years go by so quick...I plan to move out by the time I'm 23 or 24 and by 25 I think is as long as I can wait to tune down our relationship.
Stephanie Alyssa: It might be the hardest thing I can ever ask you to do, but if/when that happens, can you suport my decision?
YinYang YangYin: I sopose I would have too, now wouldn't I?
Stephanie Alyssa: Can you still enjoy life with me, and hang out and have movie nights and be my brides maid at my wedding and help me raise my kids? Can you still be there for me when I need a good friends advice or someone I know and trust to talk to?
Stephanie Alyssa: Can you move on and not be a creepy Ben and carry around things I gave to you in your pockets?
YinYang YangYin: I don't know Stephanie, This hit me really hard. I'm glad you told me, but I will have to think about it.
Stephanie Alyssa: I know I'm really sorry, I just didn't know how to tell you, I'm sorry
YinYang YangYin: I really really wish... things wouldn't have gotten so deep as they did now.
YinYang YangYin: I am depressed, but I will get over it.
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm sorry
YinYang YangYin: it's just that... it hurts so much. I wanted to confront you and have the reasurrance that I was looking for. I told myself I was ready to handle this, that I could handle what you had to say. But I don't think it connected in my brain exactly how painful it is.
YinYang YangYin: I feel kinda like I was betrayed now. I feel like if we keep our relationship going, that It's all fake, and... I don't want to lose to the chance of finding someone who will actually love me because I still have faith with you.
YinYang YangYin: I think I know how Simon feels now
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't talke animore
Stephanie Alyssa: I have to go
Stephanie Alyssa: Ilove you
Stephanie Alyssa: I'll talk to you in the morkning
Stephanie Alyssa: bye
Stephanie Alyssa has signed out. (1/25/2008 12:09 AM)
YinYang YangYin: I love you too, as much as a friend can. Please don't do any... nevermind you signed off
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 Savvi · Fri Jan 25, 2008 @ 06:12am · 1 Comments |
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