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Middle school sucked like hell. ... I wish I was there. |
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I've been thinking a lot lately about things (what's new?). That is, if you consider lately the past three or so months. I keep wishing that I could go back to middle school. They weren't great times. Middle school contained the worst years of my lived life. I just wish I could again be reminded of the torture I went through, the distrust and paranoia I felt towards everyone. At my new school, there aren't those treacherous oppressors, or at least not enough to notice.
Even then, though, as time passed, my life seemed to gradually improve. I adapted, as any living creature does, to my environment. The callous approach others took to me seemed to become the norm, and I in turn grew rougher. For a while. I then found other sneaky ways to not fall into that category as one of them. For if I too was harsh, then I'd be no better. I might not pick on others, or be bound to conformity, or even spread a single pathetic rumor, but if I didn't learn to love again, perhaps I never would have.
I'm glad that I don't have to worry so much... but at the same time, I feel so vulnerable now. I've become, what I feel, is too trusting. I don't want to be betrayed again. Maybe not by a friend, I have much greater confidence in them than that. But by a fellow human being. ... So am I still paranoid by saying that? ... I don't know.
Lately I've just felt like I've shifted into one of those minds. One of those minds I despise. The kind of mind where everything's about them, nothing's sacred, and every action taken is for self benefit. I've thrown down my arms, and as assuring as it is to know I'm around people I can finally tolerate, even admire and adore... I feel doomed. Doomed to become one of them forever. One of the ones who looks at an outsider, what I used to be, what made me what I am today, and just scorn at them. I miss the days where I cared about the world, instead of being so self-centered. It's fine for a joke or even to convince myself that it's all going to be fine, but... it's more than that now. I just know it.
It won't be alright.
...Will it?
 Mightyenapup · Tue Jan 15, 2008 @ 09:40pm · 0 Comments |
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