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Much to say, yet so few to listen... |
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Well, I graduated (woohoo stare ) I've got so much going on in my life yet I feel like I have so little actually going for ME.
I have to have and keep a full time job during the summer in order to stay at my parent's house through the summer, and even when summer is over, no matter if I have a job and whatnot, I'm getting kicked out on my own, and I have nowhere to go really... I don't know what I'm going to do, or how the hell I'm going to do it... The real world sucks, HARD.
I've got so much crap thats just driving me so nuts... I'm so frustrated and confused and everything is so garbled up and dying to get out yet I don't have anybody who I can rant to and let everything out and expect an answer that can even really be helpful...
I'll just start with whats on my mind right now, Amber.
More correctly Ariel, or Vape, or VaporKitty, or whatever she wants to go by these days, she hates her actual name, Amber... Anyway, moving on, I was really good friends with Ariel, I was always... mesmerised by the way she always acted, she was constantly bouncing back and forth from ultra super happy bouncy funny interesting with just an all around could make anyones day better smile, to cold, sad, depressed, distant, made me feel like something just had to be totally wrong, because it was Ariel! She's happy bouncy girl right? She can't be depressed or sad!! Right...?
Over time I realised how much I always took her for granted, always expecting her to be happy, bouncy, to give me the little specks of happiness I felt I was so lacking... I think I was cruel, to do that to her, I should have known better, I should have THOUGHT about what I was doing to her by always relying on her for happiness and support and all that crap that made me like her so much, because in the end all I managed to do was repeatedly suffocate her and who she really was inside!
I pushed her so far away from me I don't think I'll ever be able to mend even a tiny cell of the wounds I created, won't even move a speck of dust from the walls I put between us. I know I should have gotten over it a long time ago, but tonight a friend of mine, Gabe, he reminded me of how much I honestly care about her, and how much I really wish I could just fix it all... He made a stupid mistake and broke my trust, then when I showed him what doing that to me meant, he realised how stupid he was, and he opened himself up to me, he showed me that a lot of the feelings he feels for a girl are so similar to how I felt for Ariel, and I see how she feels like its suffocating her, and hes pushing too hard to get her to LOVE him, because he is so upset and self-destructive towards his image of himself, he feels like hes worthless, and he feels like the only way he'll have any 'worth' is to have her love. He cried a lot, and I saw so much of myself in him, his frustrations, his sadness, his anger at himself and his feeling that no matter what he did to try to appease her, it didn't seem like enough, he just kept asking himself "What did I do wrong, what did I miss?"
I'll admit to it, I too, cried after seeing him pour out all his emotions and feeling and I saw how much he was like me, and how badly he just wants her to be happy, and to provide and do everything... and I've learned... from my mistakes with Ariel, and seeing the people around me, that by wanting to give someone the world, your life, your every little part of you, it can suffocate them, they can't handle you just handing your heart over to them, its too much, its too hard to bear the thought that someones true feelings and emotions all rest in your hands and if you aren't sure you want that from that person, that you know you could crush them.
So I told him, I conforted him, I told him it'll be OK, someday things may work out, but he just has to stop pushing, he has to see that he IS worth something, with or withone someone else, he is still worth something, and I have realised that myself, that even though I may be alone or not, I will still have worth, as long as I believe I do, and I don't have to rely on someone for my happiness.
Love isn't something that is there for you to rely on the other for all your happiness and joy in life, love is something for you to share those small bits of joy and fleeting moments of happiness, giving and sharing your heart, bit by bit, showing who you are, and never pushing for more, but only sharing as the other is willing to hold and care for.
I honestly miss Ariel, I really do, I want so badly to just be able to walk up to her and say "Hi" and have her look at me and say "Hi" back to me. I want to be able to look at her for more than 3 seconds without me feeling my heart drop to the bottom of my shoes. I want to stop by her house, drop off some anime, show her some new awesome series I'd found and thought she'd love, just because I love hearing her squeal and stuff when she gets all excited. I want to talk to her about the goings on of DMFA (DMFA Comics) if shes even reading it still.... I want to show her megatokyo (Megatokyo) because I know she'll absolutely LOVE it, and she'll probably pick Largo as her favorite character, or Hasegawa.... I want to apologise for treating her the way I did, the stupid things I said and did, hurting her... Suffocating her, even though she was trying to show me who she really was, I just, didn't get it...
One of the memories of her that really just, makes me ache every time I think of it, was when she'd play FFX-2 and start singing... it always made me smile, gave me chills up my back, and give me that warm feeling inside, like I was... one of the luckiest people, to just hear her sing her heart out.
I miss her voice, her smile, her dorky little pout, and all those little quirks and habits she has, and I'd spend a lifetime trying to just hear her say "Hi" to me, and not feel like she absolutely hates and/or fears me.
Wow. I wrote a lot... I just tell myself right about now "Just breathe," which has been my usual catchphrase for calming people down lately, I know its a darn song but I can't remember whos its by... I need to look that up later... ~deep breath~ My wrists kinda hurt from typing and work... I think I'll end this page now... Even though my minds bursting to get everything else out...
Later, I guess...
-Jaguar/Justin
 Jaguar__5 · Fri Jul 01, 2005 @ 09:58am · 0 Comments |
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