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I never lost control.
Almost 7:00 on a monday morning. I've taken 6 calls so far, and there's just one other person here. Godamn getting roped into working holidays. I need a good long vacation. Or a bullet to the brain. Jus one of those days.
FTP is up and humming along. i'll give it another week or so for better testing, but it seems to be running fine. Got the 40 gigger in there, so space is no longer a high concern. Yipee-kay-yay.
June is almost here. So close, yet so far. I can taste my anticipation, like sucking on copper. Wait.. is my mouth full of anticipation, blood, or pennies? That damn well better be anticipation. I'm worried about it, too. On a distinct level, I'm afraid that actually meeting me will be a large letdown for some people. Like they have a mental image of what I am, and I'm not going to be able to live up to that.
It's part of this big nervousness I have when meeting new people. I'll either go balls-to-the-walls nutso, and will be an uncontrolled destructive, vindictive, sarcastic, snyde force of nature, or I'll be very reserved, inward and quiet. It all depends on the mood and temper of the people I am around, especially if they're my friends. Get me in a group with a friend or two, and I'll be fine. The issue is getting to that point.
I'll be smack dab in the middle of a veritable horde of people that i do not know, not to mention the small group of coworkers I so deperatley wish to impress, if not alienate almost immediately. It doesn't really phase me all too much if random user A is not impresed with me, but the people I work with every day, well, I require their approval on some base level cannot describe, for reasons even unkown to me.
I have taken great steps to ensure that my appearance is that of a frood, who really knows where his towel is. However, the hazards and associated stress of travel may make me appear as some unkempt troll, wandering from state to state looking for succulent flesh with which to feed his skelatal frame and disturbing appetites. A shambling horror, looking for corpses upon which, after feeding, he will do unspeakable things to. I'm not saying that there's no truth to this apperance, but I try to downplay that as much as possible, and keep things steered towards "sexy" and "cool", which may be placing the bar a mite high.
On paper, or in a digital arena, my appearance matters not, and it is merely my wit and anger on display. Both of which, in a personal sort of sense, accompany a sort of ron-jeremy esque figure. Swinging to and fro, wonderously equipped in such mind-to-mind thrusting. In laymans terms, my e-p***s is huge and wonderous, a sight to behold. In the harsh contexts and lights of reality, my e-p***s matters not, and I am forced to make due with this crude shell, that which a heartless and cruel god has bestowed upon me. I have tried my best to pretty it up, but it may be akin to a pimp marching out his very best 5$ crackwhore on the unsuspecting "big spenders". I may be young and talented and quite flexible, but the outward appearance suggests usage of a paper bag.
Maybe I'm being to harsh in my attempt to make light and humor of my personal ills, but that's not for me to decide. Self depracation isn't just a hobby, it's like a professional sport in which I can compete ably. No special olympics category for me, no. I run with the gold-medal winners, and we all cry in the corner together at group training sessions.
So, here's hoping that by some sheer stroke of luck, you're impressed.
Twistex · Mon May 30, 2005 @ 02:54pm · 1 Comments |
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