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This post is going to be weird, and possibly rambling as I try to make sense of something thats been bugging me about my depression and anxiety. It may veer into strange territory, so fasten your seatbelts and hold tight.


Does your depression make sense to you?

I ask this because sometimes mine simply *doesn't.* I mean... when something horrible happens, when you're hurt, when things dont go as you hoped or planned... you kind of expect it. But then there are the other times, when your going along fine, holding your own and although there is apparently no trigger or cause for it, you find yourself slipping down that slope into depression.

I've noticed it sometimes when I'm doing ok, and somebody says something negative about you, and I've noticed it happen when good things occur, and I've noticed it sometimes when I am doing nothing more than reading a book or watching TV.

Or... there is a something that triggers a reaction in you that is far out of proportion to the actual cause.

Intellectually, you recognize it. You can say to yourself "Y'know... thats completely irrational, and it shouldn't be having this sort of effect on me." but emotionally, you really can't do anything about it. Its like a disconnect between your rational mind, and the center of your emotions: One has little effect on the other.

There are certain techniques that therapists use to help bolster confidence and promote 'positive thinking'... but what do you do if the positive thinking really has no effect on you?

We all perceive the world in different ways from one another, but we also perceive the world in different ways through our own eyes. We see the world in a rational way, and that is very much the level on which relate to every other person. The rational mind is based on observable and provable facts that can be shared between different people, right? You know, for example, that if you walk down the street and pass 1000 people, the odds are that most of them aren't going to hurt you, so why do we fixate on the 1 or 2 that would? Rationally, the odds are in your favor.

But emotionally, we cannot really relate to others except through your *own* emotions. You can read the same facts as another person, but you cannot feel the same emotion that they feel. If a person says "I love you" you can't know to what degree that is true. If I person says "I hate you" you run into the same problem. In some cases, a person who tells you that they hate you might be better for you, and a truer friend than someone who says they love you.

Emotions are very personal things... words can't really express them in a way that others can relate to. It takes art, or poetry, or music: Things that communicate through an emotional reaction rather than simple information.

It always bothers me, then, when people tell me "Think Positive!" because to me, it doesn't work, and people have a hard time understanding that just because it works for them doesn't mean it will work for me. If it was as simple as that, I wouldn't be suffering from depression, would I? They know, Intellectually, as I do, that the depression is simple not rational... but to them, to a person who doesn't suffer from depression, they can turn it around by 'looking on the bright side' of things (*hums the Monty Python song from Life of Brian*). They can't conceive of the actual emotional turmoil within someone who simply *can't* do that.

Where am I going with this? I don't know... like I said, I'm just trying to make sense of things.

In a way, it reminds me of magical theory. Isaac Bonewits, when he made his list of 'the laws of magic', discussed what he called 'personal universes'... that is, the universe not as it is seen, but as it is perceived. No two people perceive the universe in exactly the same way...

...and if that is true, there are people out there that are farther removed from the way you perceive your universe than others. They will not, no matter how much they might *want* to, be able to comprehend what you are experiencing.

The stumbling point there is that Bonewits also notes that you can 'change your perception' of your personal universe... but he doesn't give an indication of *how* this might be done. If it is simply a re-tread of 'The power of positive thinking* then I don't really see how it can be done.

So, the question I am left with is this: How do you get your emotions to correspond to your intelligence? How can you get them to react in a way that makes sense to your rational mind? How can we reconnect these two parts of ourselves?

I, for one, am sick about feeling guilty when I've done nothing wrong, sick of feeling depressed when nothin bad is happening, sick of feeling anxious when there isn't any stress.

*sighs*

Wanna know something sad? I got depressed just thinking about this whole mess that I wrote. I'm going to post it before I just delete it forever...

I tried to live without emotions once. Way back in my youth. I thought if I don't feel things then I won't get hurt. But it's impossible not to feel. It's how you react to how you feel that gets you in trouble. I suffer from depression pretty badly (enought to be on a lot of meds & counseling). I try not to sweat the big stuff and to try and live in the moment. If I focus on the past or the future I just get too upset. Emotions are what makes us human so don't try to hide them but be cautious of them and make sure they are appropriate for the situation. Like just because somebody doesn't call you doesn't mean they don't like you it may just mean that they are busy so call them and ask them to coffee. biggrin

I figure the emotions we can't do anything about. All we can do is channel them in the right direction (that being the logical side of us) and end up doing the best we can.

That said, it's hard to do.

At the moment I'm aiming to twist depression into caring about my friends more, and into doing more schoolwork (mainly ceramics work - ART!! biggrin ) by using logical progression of thought.
eg. I feel terrible.
Talking to my friends and cheering them up makes me happy as well.
Not helping my friends when they feel sad makes me feel worse.
So, help them. smile Even if it doesn't work, it stops me feeling bad about not helping them, and gives me the chance of feeling better.

I don't know how well that's working though, it needs some modification. But on the whole it should work, I just have to find the balance between letting them cheer ME up and worrying about them. >.<

Or I'm just totally WRONG, either way. I can still try razz

I'm a depressed councilor. Honestly, I think it helps me understand others, and it certainly heightens my creative output.

I'd post more, but I'm really hungry, and that's interfering with my brainmeats.

Oh, and depression isn't caused by thoughts, but by hormones. Can't think those to behave. (I have two hormonal problems--hypothyroidism and major depressive disorder, so listen to what I'm sayin'.)

Seriously, though, I'm hungry.