You Quack me up -- Duck Humor

[Demon Duck of Doom]

This is the place to post your favorite duck jokes, puns, and riddles....  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

Addicted to Quack  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

Man, Duck and Air Plane

A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying air plane coming right for them. So the man yells DUCK!!!! and the duck yells at the man with an angry face MAN!!!!  

[hirai]

A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

Duck in a Bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "got any crackers?" bartender says, "No". Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bartender says, "no". Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that, NO! and if you ask that again I'll nail your bill shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says, "no". Duck says, "Good, got any crackers?"  

[hirai]

Ahaha, that one was good...


Two Happy Ducks

A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"
The duck replies, "I've been playing in puddles all day." The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.

A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world. The bartender asks, "Why are you so happy today?"

The duck gives the bartender the same answer, "I've been playing in puddles all day." This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it at the bar.

A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world. The bartender asks the duck, "What's wrong with you?"

The duck replies, "My name is Puddles and I've had a terrible day."  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

I saw that one earlier today, and it was on my list to post in here...its funny... rofl  

[hirai]

Yeah, I quacked up when I saw that one  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

quack...quack...quack  

[Nero Lazer Android]

Duck Out-tranquies Armadillos

A duck walks into a bar. The two bartenders are two armadillos. The duck orders some water, but there's a giant, brown ice cube in it.

The armadillos said, "We armadillos, we don't know. We just ***t ***t in your coke!"

The duck was confused, because he didn't order any coke. However, one of the armadillos fell over.

The remaining armadillo said, "What happen?"

The duck said, "I'm a duck, I think fast, I shoved tranquie dart up his @$$."

The duck walked off. He never went into that bar again. He knew that he was smart enough to find other bars without armadillos.

In other words, duck rules over armadillos.  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

like no **it ducks are better than armadillos.....quack...  

[Nero Lazer Android]

Ducks are cool! They are quite versatile, comparred to armadillos.

Can You Quack what I Quack?

There was a resturaunt, and three people who needed to use the bathroom. There was a wooden toilet, steel toilet, and a destiny toilet.

The first guy went into the bathroom with the wooden toilet. The second guy went into the bathroom into the steel toilet. The third guy went into the bathroom with the destiny toilet.

A few minutes have passed and the first guy comes out. He says, "That toilet makes my @$$ hurt!"

The second guy comes out and says, "That toilet makes my @$$ cold!"

The third guy comes out, looking like he saw a ghost, and says, "I heard someone, probably a duck, say, Can you quack what I quack?"

The duck came out of the destiny toilet and said, "I don't want any humans ***tting on me in that bathroom! We ducks are better than you ***t makers!"  

[JTN]

A policeman saw a man crossing the street with several ducks following closely behind him.

"Hey, what's with the ducks?" The officer asked.

The man, obviously drunk, answered, "Dunno. They've been following me all day."

"Well, those ducks are obviously tame, but it's dangerous for them to be loose in traffic. Take them to the petting zoo." said the policeman.

"Alrighty then..." the drunk slurred and headed off.

Later on in the day the same policeman happened to see the same drunk leading the ducks down the street.

"Hey! I thought I told you to take those ducks to the petting zoo!" barked the policeman.

The drunk turned with a smile. "I did take them to the zoo... and they liked it. Now we're on our way to catch a movie."  

[Demon Duck of Doom]

Ducks in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."  

[Vixen in Purple]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
Ans: To stomp out forest fires...

Why do elephants have flat feet?
Ans: To stomp out flaming ducks!

I always think of flat ducks and giggle. Not to worry the ducks reenflate shortly after the stomping...