It had been nearly a year.
A year since that horrible day. A day that was supposed to be joyous, but had ended with so much tragedy.
Yes, his sister and brothers were a joy. They were the light that cut through the darkness. Shining brightly for those left behind. They were the best of his parents … but they also resulted in the death of their mother. They had left her so weak and drained, such easy prey for the kalona that took her life. Leaving his world shattered, his heart torn, and his family in ruins, despite anything he might have tried to hold them together.
A year since he walked on to the scene of the three spindly legged foals huddling in terror underneath a dead tree, barely shielded by some browned leaves that had yet to fall. Parched earth painted crimson, with his mother’s broken body still bleeding out onto the ground. A year since he had failed to save her. Since he had to bring her lifeless body back to his father. To break the news that the light of his father’s life had been snuffed out. Since his family had splintered, a few siblings staying by his side, still with him, protecting him from the accusations and recriminations. Who stood by him, offering a safe shelter, even when he didn’t feel like he was deserving of it.
A year that he had been tormented by feelings of failure and inadequacy. Tortured by guilt and ‘what-if’s’. What if he had been quicker to seek Ronen out? What if he had shown up… could he have saved her? Would he have been able to make a difference? Would it have meant not having to shatter his father’s world? Would they still all be together? And most importantly, would they still be a family?
It had been nearly a year since he had been able to break through the darkness, to try and take that first step to leave. To start living again. It was time. Time for him to finish grieving. To forgive himself. But how? He didn’t have the first clue as to how to move on. But he knew that staying here, being trapped by his grief and sadness was slowly killing him. It had already all but destroyed what little relationship he had with his father. And he had begun to resent his siblings. Those he had long adored, and the little ones his mama had wanted so much and had even given her life for.
And this, this grey, gloomy, paralysing existence - not even a life- it was not what she would have wanted for him, nor for any of them. They were hers, and she loved them so much, so fiercely and with such joy, to see them like this would have been enough to break her heart. She would never have wanted them to experience such grief. If she could see where they were now, she would have gone to the highest heights, the deepest depths, the very farthest reaches of the world, to find something to make them smile again. To do something, anything, to make them laugh, to live, to love again. He knew this. But he didn’t have her optimism, her positivity, her ability to bring happiness with her mere presence. He was just himself, just serious, boring Jaehaerys, so what could he do? He wasn’t enough, how could he ever be good enough, especially when compared to her?
He couldn’t just stay where he was though. The place they were staying at, had been staying at since that fateful day, was not a home on a good day. It was gloomy in feel, even without the weight of their sadness, their tragedy. But ever since that day, even if it felt as though time had stopped, trapping them all in their own version of grief, their environment seemed to become more desolate, with more death and holding their emotions and reflecting them back, making them worse in an unbreaking downward spiral. Something needed to happen. Even just one tiny thing needed to change, to break the cycle they were all trapped in. They needed to get out of here and live. All of them. Not just him. But they were still caught up in their own griefs and unable to see… So he would be the one. He would take that first step. He would show them, but how?
Which brought him back to the question- what was he supposed to do about it? How could he make that change? How could he be the first to leave, knowing, feeling in his heart that it was all on him? That it was all his failure and all his fault… Did he even have the right? Could he somehow do something? Could he help his siblings learn to smile and laugh again? Could he ease his father’s grief at all?
Maybe he couldn’t. And maybe he didn’t have the right. But if he just stayed there, in that downward spiral of grief and tragedy, he would go mad. If he did nothing, it would eventually kill him. And likely it would kill them too. Or if it didn’t, they would be destroyed. Broken beyond repair. And he couldn’t allow that to happen. They didn’t deserve it. Not a single one of them. They deserved to live. To be free. To be happy and smile again. And he would make it so. No matter the cost. No matter what he had to do to accomplish this task. For them, he would do anything.
Even if he wasn’t mama and able to lift everyone with just her presence. He might be just serious. Boring Jaehaerys, but he would do whatever it took. Even if it meant going back to where it began. Even if it meant facing his insecurities. His nebulous fears and doubts. Even if it meant he had to confront the one who shattered his world completely, leaving it dark and hopeless, he would. And that, that was the first step he needed to take.
He needed to go back to where it all happened….
With heavy hooves and heavier heart, he steeled his nerve. Shaking off the weight of the sadness and guilt, and responsibility that shackled him. He would go back and learn the truth. Learn if it was in fact his fault and failure. If there was truly anything else he could have done, to save not only the youngest ones but mama as well. Or if he had made the attempt to do more, would the tragedy have been worse or more complete, with him gone as well. Or maybe the youngest ones as well.
With this resolve made, he was able to take a step beyond the edges of the territory. Then another. And with each step even though it was leading him close to the site of his nightmares, he could feel a weight being lifted. He was able to breathe. He was able to think a little more clearly. And he was able to feel.
He could feel a chill in the autumn air, one that had nothing to do with the actual weather, but with the memory. He could feel his heart in his throat, and stomach down somewhere in the vicinity of his hooves. Even though he could smell anyone nearby, nor feel an actual presence, his body and mind remembered. He could feel the terror. A cold sweat broke out upon his body. He was walking the path in reality, and in his memory. He could almost hear the kalona’s bloodthirsty laugh, his mama in pain, pleading, even as her life slipped away, for the safety of her foals. He could hear the sneer and disdain. She wasn’t going to make it, but neither were they…
His heart beat with the remembered fear, the adrenaline he felt then as he made the decision. Mama was a goner. There was too much blood, there was no way to save her, but there was still a chance for the foals. They seemed healthy and whole. If he could get them out of there… or barring that, if he could hold the kalona off until someone came or she lost interest. Even if it meant he didn’t survive, at least they would have a fighting chance…
The place where it had happened was no longer parched. There was no metallic tang in the air. The ground was green and growing. The land had healed. It wasn’t a place of devastation. To look on it now, if one didn’t know what occurred, if they hadn’t been there, one would never be able to guess the heartache and tragedy here. The land had not taken in that poison. It had been able to recover. And now, perhaps he might as well.
At least he had been able to take that first step. And though the journey would be a long one, he had the courage to make that journey. And one day, he would be back, and maybe, just maybe, they would be ready to heal also.
WC: 1526