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 Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2020 6:26 pm
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2020 6:58 pm
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The few weeks since the Great Feast had left something unsettled beneath Bramble’s flesh, something that crawled under her fur and rooted deep and uneasy in her bones. There were few moments that she ever felt at peace with herself and fewer still that she felt like she understood herself or her emotions at all. What should have been a celebration meant to loosen the grip fear and apprehension had within the pack had turned out to be a catalyst for her guilt instead. Or maybe it had done just that and such was truly the problem.
Not only did she feel guilty, like she had betrayed the memory of the one wolf that had always loved her most, but she felt the loss of what Fern was too her, too. Her mate had gone to the ancestors and her best friend had traipsed over a line with her they could not come back from. Gone was the peace and easiness that he offered with his presence and in its place was only the annoyance, the digging and nipping, the frustration.
It made her growl aloud, like she had so many times before at the thought of how easily she had upset everything, and all for what? A moment of forgetting their pain? A moment of foolishness? Bramble’s heart was heavy and her stomach turned, nursing the sick feeling she hadn’t been able to shake for days. It wasn’t all just nerves, though some of it certainly was, and even that knowledge seemed to make it worse instantly.
Like it or not, she desperately needed to see Fern.
With heavy paws, she stalked the woods, seeking out those few places that seemed like he would hide. Behind overturned oaks, down steep hillsides into divers obscured by leafy brush. It was a slow hunt but at last she caught the scent of him, a scent that somehow both settled her nerves and set their ends alight.
With a shiver bristling the fur between her shoulders, she slipped into view with her head high and her eyes sharp. It was all feigned confidence that she couldn’t truly muster in that moment.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you, you know.”
At least the shortness of her words was honest.
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2020 8:32 pm
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Watching the struggle of emotions over his face swept the air from Bramble’s lungs so quickly that the fire she was stoking within herself guttered. He went from a charming smile to a defeated sigh, all in the space of the breath it took for her to sink her claws back into her composure. Had he always been so effortlessly charming for her that his failure was this stunning? And, more than that, when had she started to realize that she found him charming? She wanted to growl at her own conflicted, tormented feelings and how overwhelmed she felt by everything in that moment.
Her jaws parted and, perhaps for the first time in her life, no words would come. She worked them silently and the longer it took her, the more frustrated she became with herself. Suddenly, she could no longer meet his eyes, she could no longer stare into the depths of all that concern and worry and know that one more time, he was picking up her pieces.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered at last, shocking herself even as her eyes dropped. A pebble at her feet became the focus of all her confusion. Her eyes narrowed upon the pitted surface and she just stared, unable to do anything else. This was it. There was no more running from this now, no more running from her fear, from her loss, from her anger or her mistakes. There was no more running from the fact that she had forced Fern to hold her pieces together while she dove headlong into the distraction that their devastation had provided her. Her paws pressed deep into the soil beneath her feet and she drew a steadying breath.
“I made a mess of your good intentions, didn’t I?” Her voice was still soft and unlike her, fragile in a way she hated to be. “I, we...”
Another breath, deep through her nose, swelled her lungs. How did she make this right? The festival, everything that had changed between them, everything that was going to happen- it was all a mess. Her grandmother had always told her that the fruit at festivals had a way of showing ones true feelings and she had laughed at the words of caution then. How could they show feelings she didn’t know were there? She knew the error in those thoughts now, more so as she pulled her eyes up forcefully and met his again. It took everything in her not to let them waver.
“I’m so sorry that you always have to take care of me, Fern, and that this time I..”
She swallowed at a lump she couldn’t dislodge, but her gaze kept longer than her voice did.
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Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2020 12:10 pm
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Whatever concerns he had about the dynamic of things seemed to melt away as the Bramble that he knew and loved broke down. Her words, her apology, her demeanor, it all sunk his head into his stomach.
Suddenly his problems didn't seem nearly as pressing, anymore. Whatever issues he might have had with this situation became instantly miniscule and negligible. It seemed foolish that he had let himself get so worked up over all of this, when what he should have been doing was making sure that she was okay.
"Hey, hey…" he reassured gently. There was a new, unfamiliar timber to his voice. A quiet warmth, like a comforting fire in the depths of winter. Fern went to her and any awkward distance, any walking on eggshells, any walls that he had put up seemed to wash away. "Listen, Bramble, it's okay, yeah?"
His heart panged, and a part of him was transported back to the night of Moss's death, the feeling of their bodies close in sorrow all too familiar. Bramble… Bramble was supposed to be the strong one. In his mind, she always had been the strong one. The wildfire. The unbreakable. It never felt like he had been taking care of her. Merely a supporting strut for her strength. Had she felt like she was being taken care of? Had he failed her that much?
Those were questions that didn't matter right now, though. Instead, he had closed the distance between them and spoke softly against the fur of her neck. "It's gonna be alright, okay? I got you."
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2020 5:41 pm
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It was unfair how immediately comforted she felt the moment his shoulder sidled up against her own. The wave of fear swelling up within her, grasping her by the throat, ebbed and settled back to an uneasy tide. The fear sank and the guilt roared. If she stepped away from him, though, she wasn't sure that she would be able to stand on her own four feet.
Instead, she opted for mumbling against his neck.
"I know you do," it was soft, but he would hear. "You always do, Fern, and I don't even... know how to begin to thank you for that."
A pang of pain and she sighed a long, shaky breath against his side.
"And I've been so scared of betraying-" the name stuck in her throat and for a moment she thought she might choke on it. Tears threatened to well over the rims of her eyes and she leaned into him heavily. She was struggling so hard to get it out, to say the name amidst all of her panic and worry. She knew if she didn't now, she never could. "I've been so scared of betraying Glen that I took so long to realize just how amazing you always are to me and how much... I look forward to that and..."
Was she actually as much of a blathering idiot as she felt she was? She wanted to believe she was a female of composure and sure footing, steady thoughts. She wanted to remember herself as a graceful, proud leader and right now all she felt like was a dumb pup with too many emotions.
"Fern," she hadn't pulled away and hadn't made any motion to look up at his eyes again. She had started talking and she couldn't stop now, not without being afraid her voice might fail her. "Fern, I'm.. we're going to have pups."
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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2020 6:59 pm
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Fern was familiar with the feeling of the ground dropping out from under him. He had felt it when his parents passed away, and when Moss first confided in him his feelings for Bramble.
He had felt it that night when Moss died.
This was a similar feeling, but at the same time it was entirely different. He stared into her eyes as she spoke. She could probably see the gears turning as the reality of her words set in. Fern couldn't articulate the feelings that washed quickly and powerfully through his body. Even days, months, maybe even years from now, he doubted he would ever be able to really articulate the torrent of thoughts that stormed their way through him.
But to break it down, Fern first felt confusion. A distinct rift where the words that Bramble spoke just didn't click. Then came worry. Was Bramble okay? Then the pragmatic part of his mind snapped to action. How would they explain this to everyone else? Surely they couldn't hide it…
Then guilt. Guilt that he was even considering the opinion of the rest of the pack when this was so much more important. Guilt that he wasn't putting Bramble first and foremost. Guilt… guilt for Moss.
His chest was tight and heavy. It seemed a miracle that he could breathe at all.
The wolf looked at her in the eye for a few moments longer, then drew close again. He set his head atop hers and closed his eyes, heaving a breath out of his chest.
"Bramble, I…" His voice trailed off and he tried to find the right words. He was supposed to be more articulate than this. He was supposed to be better at talking. "It's going to be okay. Okay?"
His eyes squeezed tight for a moment before he pulled his head away from its comfortable closeness and looked at her in the eye again.
"Bramble…" He took a breath, then sighed it out. "I've been thinking. Since… Since that night. Since a while, actually, and…" his mouth pressed into a tight line and he looked to the side, as if trying to find his words there, then looked back to her. "Moss was… Moss was always so good. So understanding. He always wanted the best for everyone around him, y'know? And I don't think…" His eyes squeezed shut, as though different parts of him were battling over what was right. Trying to reconcile what was right for him and Bramble, and what was a betrayal of his brother. Was this right? His heart felt like it was, and at some point he had to listen to himself, right? "I don't think he'd want us tearing ourselves apart because… because he's gone. I…"
His mouth shut and his jaw clenched tight. Like she, he had to just keep going. Before the words locked themselves away forever. "I love you, Bramble. I always have. And I always wanted the best for you and Moss, even if it tore me apart. But I have always loved you.
And after… And after Moss died I told myself I'd be there for you after he couldn't. And I've been… I've been so afraid that letting myself admit the truth that it would be… be a betrayal of him. But…" He closed his eyes and let loose another sigh. "But I can't. Not know. So I have to believe that he'd want us to be happy."
He looked at her again. "So I can't keep lying to myself. I love you, Bramble. And everything is going to be okay. Because even if you don't want me, I'll be here for you. Always."
He was a flurry of emotions, but from the tumult of it all one thing was clear. Despite the chaos and the unexpected news and the floor falling out from beneath him, Fern was happy.
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