Anei sighed as she finished up her work for the day. She had started sleeping in her workshop. She blamed her work load and being too tired to go home afterwards. In truth, she didn’t feel like she belonged there anymore. She was grown now and the den seemed to have gotten smaller since her father had two new mates now. She was truly happy for him though. He deserved to be happy and she hoped that one day she would have a whole new set of siblings to play with.
So why did she feel so empty inside? It was like a monster was trying to eat it’s way out. She felt cold, unlike how she was as a cub or even at adolescent. She just didn’t feel like she belonged anywhere, except for maybe her workshop. Where she can work and sleep and not have to really deal with anyone.
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Uskeru padded toward a particular workshop with the last rays of the sun. She was new to the pride, and still trying to settle in herself. However, she'd seen something and decided to see if she could help the young lioness out. She hadn’t really had a chance to meet the young adopted female of her harem’s leader. Now seemed like a good time.
Pausing at the entrance to the workshop, Uskeru called out, “Anei are you there?” She hoped this would be a better time at the end of the day, rather during the busy day. Her bright orange tail waved slowly back and forth as she waited for an answer.
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Anei lifted her head when she heard her name being called out. She didn't know the voice well, but she had heard it before. She walked to the entrance of her workshop, surprised to see her father's new mate was there. The sun was going down and Anei wondered why the lioness was there and not at home. HER home... with her father.
"Um... how can I help you?" she asked as she sat nervously. "Is there something wrong? Is papa okay?"
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Uskeru sat down as the young black lioness came out of her hidey hole. She seemed nervous for some reason. “Me specifically? Not much really.” She thought about the questions for a moment, then smiled. “Yes you could say something is wrong. I’m not sure if he is. You see, Damien is worried about his little girl. It seems she suddenly stopped coming home.”
She watched closely without appear to, to see Anei’s reactions. “He is worried that she might not love him anymore. That she’s growing up. He’d like her to come home, but he doesn’t want to interfere if she’s branching out.” Damien loved to talk about his adopted daughter. His worry was plain for anyone else to see.
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Anei looked away as her ears went flat against her head. She had a lot on her mind and she didn't think about how others would feel about her sudden disappearance. How would she explain herself though? It wasn't like anyone else could really understand her.
"I love papa very much," Anei said quietly. "I just don't feel at home there.... How can one live in a family that's name means "Remembrance" when the thing you're suppose to remember is forgotten?"
She didn't know if she made any sense to the other lioness. She didn't mean to make people worry, she was just lost in her world and didn't know how to get back to her normal, cheerful self. It was like once she realized she had forgotten her mother, what she looked like, what she smelled like, she didn't know how to coop with it. Even if her mother was cold-hearted and didn't want Anei around, she was still her mother. She still deserved to be remembered in some way that wasn't just all bad.
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The two appeared to be very close, from the little she’d seen so far. Anei’s words confirmed it. Uskeru tilted her head curiously, when the young female said home didn’t feel like home. Clearly Anei hadn’t forgotten her father, so then what had she ‘forgotten’?
“Perhaps if you want to explain it a little more, I could help? If not, at least talk to your father. He misses you a lot and is very worried.” The orange lioness didn’t want tread on family toes with something she didn’t know much about. Sometimes a stranger was easier to talk to than someone you knew well. “At least consider it Anei.” She rose to her paws to leave the young lioness to think things through.
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"W-Wait," Anei said as she looked up. The lioness was very pretty and Anei wondered if her mother was as pretty as Uskeru. "Did papa tell you how he found me?" Anei was very young and could barely remember herself. She remembered the field and being lost and hungry. She remembered a big male that she was afraid would hurt her or run her off, but he didn't and ended up taking her home. The little details were long ago forgotten, but she had a father that wanted her.
"It's... my mother...." Anei admitted. "I was left alone when I was a cub. I don't remember her. I don't remember her face, or her voice. I do remember her not wanting cubs and always being away, but.... there had to be good things, right? It can't be all bad..." Anei didn't know how her father would feel talking about this. He had never met the lioness that abandoned their own child. She thought that maybe if she did get it off her chest, she would some how feel normal again.
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Uskeru had half expected the lioness to let her leave, and half to be called back. She turned back to face the young female with a smile. “Only about 20 times my first day here,” she chuckled softly. He’d found the tiny cub alone in the rain trying to hide under a bush, from what Damien had said.
She sat down to listen. Damien had never mentioned the cub’s mother in the story, now that she’d thought about it. Uskeru was starting to see the problem. She cleaned her ear slowly as she thought. “Some lions are simply not nice,” she said softly with a tight voice, thinking of her own past. “Your mother may have been one of those, but I cannot say since I’ve never met her. However, I don’t think you should feel back simply because you cannot remember her. You are remembering her here,” she reached out a paw to touch above the lioness’ heart.
“Even if your memories grow fuzzy, it’s not like you’re purposefully trying to forget her.”
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“That’s not exactly the same thing,” Anei said to herself. She had never thought about her mother as a cub. So, why was it all she could think about? “She abandoned me. She walked out of our den and never came back… but she’s all I can think about… and I don’t understand why.” Anei was frustrated with herself, along with her depression. She saw a rock near the entrance of her den and swat it with her paw.
“What happens when I become a mother?” Anei asked quietly. “Will I end up like her? Will I come to hate my own cubs and abandon them like she did me? I….” Anei sighed. She didn’t know what else to say or do. “I’m so confused….”
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“Perhaps you’re looking for some kind of closure? Like wanting to see if she is as you remember her.” Uskeru wasn’t sure if she helping here or not. At least Anei had someone she could talk to about this. She watched the young lioness take out her frustrations on a rock.
“The fact that you’re asking that kind of question, leads me to believe you won’t. If you didn’t care that your mother abandoned you, then you think or worry on it so much.” Uskeru tried to reassure the black lioness. “I suppose if you do find that you can’t stand your own cubs, you have a better option than your mother did.” She looked over her shoulder and waved a paw wide at the pride.
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“Closure?” Anei repeated as she looked up at the lioness. “I would have to leave Likno to find her if I did that…” Anei wasn’t sure she was ready to leave and look for her mother. If she left, she would worry her father even more then she has already. She sighed, not knowing what to do. Maybe, if she were lucky, she would meet someone in the pride that knew her mother or knew of her. She hadn’t found anyone yet and that was even more upsetting.
“I don’t believe I would push away my own cubs though…” Anei said. In truth, she wanted cubs. She wanted to be the mother she never had, but she didn’t know if she could achieve that since she didn’t have a mother to teach her. She would be one heck of a father though. The thought made her smile a little and laugh. “If I can’t be a mother, then I would be a good father.”
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“And did not Damien have to leave the pride’s lands to find you?” She pointed out logically. She hadn’t heard of any rules saying a pride member couldn’t roam the rogue lands for a time. “Think about it Anei. Talk to your father. He could probably remember where he found you and that would give you a starting base.” She sighed, “just be ready for disappointment if you do look for her. The rogue lands is a vast area, and anything could have happened to a lone lioness in that time.”
She nodded. It’s the answer she would have expected of a young lioness before her first litter who wanted to have cubs. If in the end she did decide that she couldn’t handle being a mother, there was a whole pride who could adopt the cubs. Her lips twitched as Anei stated she’d be a good father. “Oh dear. I feel your mate will be highly disappointed if he’s not allowed to be the father. I think you’ll be a good mother Anei. If you have any questions, there are plenty of lionesses who have been mothers in the pride.”
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Anei sighed some more. She did feel a little better after talking with Uskeru. More so then she had in a while, but that fear was still in her head. "I kind of wish Papa met you when I was still a cub... maybe then I wouldn't feel this way..." She smiled a little, thinking she should go home and spend some time with her family.
"Mind if I walk home with you?" she asked, slightly embarassed with herself.
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Uskeru flushed with pleasure. "I wish I'd met him and you so much sooner too. I think some doubt is normal Anei. You'll just have to work through it and see for yourself." The autumn lioness gave a purr. "It would please me very much."
Chisato Mikami
Fin
WC: 1,850