Welcome to Gaia! ::

Alright, soooo... It's been a long year, and it's not even over yet... Not sure where to start, but I really need to get this out, and hopefully, get some advice about what to do. I'll try and start somewhat at the beginning..

Okay, so I used to play this online-game (No, it wasn't WoW! lmao) I was addicted beyond belief, and I'd been playing it for almost four years before I met this guy. And we got along really well, and this lead to that, and we started dating. (Yeah yeah, online dating cross-country is bad, and it almost never ends well.) He was great, and dandy, and he said all the right things. I let his errors slide, and tried to help him get... well.. over himself. He used the fact he was an illegal to get sympathy: He'd flick out that card anytime stuff started going south. (Don't get me wrong, I didn't care about his legal status at all. I loved this guy.) However, soon, I started noticing that I spent more time listening to his problems, life story, and rants, then ever talking about how my life was even going. I spent a lot of time putting out the fires he started with our guildies, and our allies. When he became leader of the guild we were in, the allies and guildies came to me to make sure stuff got done, or to sort out problems. (That he himself had caused.) I didn't mind all that much about them asking me to pass on messages, but it started getting to the point I had to tell people to back off in ally-chat, and flat out yell at him to stop going after people...I won't go into detail about the other stuff he did....
This went on for a year....

Anyway, it got to a point where my friends wouldn't even talk to me anymore, or would flat out delete me because they couldn't stand him. And I was so stressed out and depressed about real life things (Getting my GED, family issues, archery stuff, etc) that I just couldn't do it anymore... We had one more really nasty argument, and I couldn't do it anymore... so I told him we were done. I wasn't gonna clean up his messes anymore.
He cried. He begged me not to leave, and promised he would change.
I didn't even flinch... I felt, for lack of a better word, like a monster, because it didn't bother me that he was crying. I didn't even care what he said anymore, or how he felt. And I know that's how you're "s'post to feel" after you break up with someone after an 'abusive relationship', but it made me feel awful... So I told him he could still hang out with me and the three friends I had left in my voice-chat group.
He was fine for a day, and then he started flat out talking to my friends while I was there about how awful he was, and how hard it was to move on... he even cried to me about it, and then he would say how he understood why I "Did what I did", "Maybe one day I'll be good enough for you again", and other things to make me feel guilty, or something.
I still didn't care.

I finally couldn't take it anymore, and ended up blocking him from the group entirely.
I'd ended up in the ally guild, because they liked me (after all the fires I put out, events I'd organized, and such I'd given myself a really good rep with that guild! xD) and it was great. I loved that guild, seriously. They were one of the coolest group of people I'd ever been with. They always managed to make me smile, even when I was at my worst.
And then he came back to the game, after his "break for school". Honestly, I know I'm blond, but I should've seen this coming. I know, I was stupid.
He started coming into the guilds voice-chat, and poking me (teamspeak lets you send messages if you "poke" someone.) He continued to cry on my friends, or ask them to make me talk to him, etc. He started joining parties for bosses he knew I was in - (Was pretty much with the same set of people every boss, so it was easy.) - and then he would dramatically quit the group, thus making them go "Why did you quit?" in ally chat....
It all went downhill from there. I tried talking to my so-called guild "friends"(which was pretty much the whole guild) and they told me to block him, or ignore him.

I blocked four of his alts in one day. He went around with his party-name set as "Thief Yosh", and he trashed me openly in his guild (he was no longer leader by now) and in ally chat when I was offline.
I quit for three weeks... and then was foolish enough to let one of my friends talk me into coming back... I joined the "other side", (The guild that "owned" the server for the last six years.) and all of my previous guildies started trashing me and deleting me.... I lost eleven friends in one day, all because I couldn't stand being on the same side as him.
I told them I was just after him, to kill him anytime I saw him, but they just deleted me anyway. "I don't have room for enemies on my friends-list" was pretty much the only goodbye I got. They were unanimous about hating me, in one day... after helping them keep stuff together for a long time.

Stupidity flaring to life again, I still didn't quit. I got really close with the people I'd been fighting for the last four years, and oddly felt right at home in their mist... which was creepy... They were all really nice to me...

And then I got sick... I'd been so depressed with life, losing my partner, and losing all my friends, that I'd never felt hungry... so I didn't eat.
I lost 30pounds in just a few weeks. My stomach started eating itself. Everyday I spent up to eight hours in unbelievable pain, because I was terrified of going to the doctor. (Of all things to fear!!!) I lasted six weeks, spending everyday in so much pain I ended up pacing around, unable to even sit or lay down. (Laying down made it hurt more...) My stomach was so sensitive that I threw everything I ate up. I tried eating things like yogurt, but I was so sensitive would throw up the blueberries . (or whatever else was added to the yogurt... like cherries... etc.)
On the last day of the sixth week, mom said I was turning grey and had my brother pick me up, and my sister and her drove me to a clinics emergency room because I was too scared to go to the ER. They gave me a shot, and a load of drugs to take, and sent me home.

Honestly, I felt a bit miffed. All that pain and suffering and they gave me a shot, patted me on the head, told me to come in at the end of the week, and sent me home...
After my checkup, the doctor smiled and told me I was going to be fine, and set me up for a follow up with the doctor closer to my house, and told me I needed to see a councilor for my depression asap...
I was so scared of seeing a shrink. I was 100% sure they were going to send me to a hospital or something. (I was stupid enough to let my depression ... let me do stuff I would otherwise never do to myself. Enough said.)

I was so scared I once again didn't go in for a follow up, because I was scared of the councilor.... Once again, (Not to blame her!!!) my mother didn't protest or try and force me.
Not a week later, the pain started again. But it stopped the next day, and while sore and sensitive, it didn't start again for another few days.
It was off and on for a month or so, until I had it two days in a row. Then it stopped again... Last month, mom decided she'd had enough, and while I hadn't played said-game since I'd gotten sick, she had my brother take it off of the computer.
Honestly, I was glad that 'demon' was gone. But I'd since started playing a different game... thinking my problems were only based around that game. Needless to say, the pain started again, and it was awful. My body had relaxed, and started to heal, and my brain had all but forgotten the pain... It hit me like a truck. My brother tried to help me, but there was nothing he could do. (It was so heartwarming though... to see him pace in the hallway and then just stare at me. Made me cry all that harder though.)

That was the last straw for me. I deleted all the games off the computer that had anything to do with guilds, groups, drama, voice chat, etc. (besides MC, because I play it with my little sister) I removed all the chat-systems, and the one I didn't remove (because I use it to talk to my little sister lol) I deleted all my memberships, changed all my group names to "Now closed", and deleted and blocked all my contacts.
I also deleted all the groups I was on on facebook, and all the friends I had who were strictly connected to me by those games.
It sucked. While it wasn't the most painful thing I've had to do in my life, it was right up there. I'd spent four years of my life with these people, and months with the others. They'd meant something to me.

Since then, I've only had two "attacks" as we call them (we being me and my mom), and I've finished up my GED tests (which was one of the main causes of my stress and depression!) and so far, while it's lonely, and I still don't feel hungry, it's been much better.... I've been working to get my own room set up, so I can get back into making arrows, and getting back into archery. I stay away from the computer, and try and go out more.
While my back and stomach still hurt randomly sometimes, they haven't been near as bad, and I've been remembering to eat. I also don't want to do things-I-otherwise-would-never-do-to-myself anymore...




Sorry it's so long!!! I tried to cut down on the details! didn't seem to work... gonk Also sorry for typos!!! I smilies/icon_redface.gifsmilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif

Thank you so much for reading! I really needed to get that off my chest.... smilies/icon_sad.gif

(If it didn't make much sense, I need advice on ways to stop feeling depressed so much... I live in the middle of nowhere, and the only person outside my house I talk to anymore is my little sister... Only one of my irl friends was there to talk to me when I was on the ledge... she helped me a lot though!)

Heh, thank you for the advice! I'll try that! (I tried to learn how to knit last night... lol... didn't work out so great.... xD)

Sadly, I live in the middle of nowhere, so talking to irl people is.... difficult... to say the least... (17miles to the nearest gas-station) cat_sweatdrop

It's good to hear you've got your life back on track! It can be difficult letting go of entire groups and acquaintances you've been in/had for years-- I've been there! But of most importance is your physical, mental and emotional health. 3nodding

Here are some videos on gaming addiction... but it sounds to me like games aren't the thing that are harming you. Your ex is engaging in online harrassment. Here are some resources for you:

Online Harrassment Resources