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 Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:49 am
...but I've cried so much already. I dated my best friend, we broke up and now we're not talking anymore...and when we do it's really awkward. I just don't know what to do. He knows everything about me, he knows how to cheer me up, knows when something is wrong, he's been the wall that I leaned against when my mom got rowdy. I don't like him anymore, yet I love him to death. And when I'm hurting, I want to go to him, but then I remember he's the one that caused me this hurt, this pain. No one seems to understand, he was there to stop me from cutting, I was there to stop his cutting. We were two halves of a whole that shattered like glass...all because of me. I could have told him what everyone else said, but that would hurt him more. I was the only one who could find out what was wrong with him, he told me all his problems...we balanced each other out, but everything seemed so fake. He did what he could to make me happy, even when I was sad, I did the same for him. The perfect guy...just not the perfect relationship. I know he's gonna make some other girl so happy, like he made me. My first kiss, my first real relationship, my first love...ended so simply.
We promised we'd still be friends, we wouldn't end up like the couples that broke up and never talked...but look what happened. I tried to uphold that promise, but he just went on, walked past me as if he never cared. Dated my friend, then broke her, wanting me back...of course, I played the fool...thinking it would be different. Didn't even make it a week before he ignored me...talked behind me. Everything has gotten so confusing, I would've been happier staying friends, yet I had to go ruin that...it's all my fault.
I don't know what to do when Monday rolls around...I don't know if I'll be able to survive.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 2:50 pm
Tch, that was so long ago...I'm still hurt over our loss of friendship, but I realize now that even though it might have lasted longer, it never would have held. One of us would have had to give up sometime...now my predictament is worse...loving someone, who's with someone else. Oh, it's not one-sided, he feels the same, yet, he just cant end it with her...2months of dating can do that to someone, 3months is even harder. We're almost twins, we have everything alike, we're even both left-handed.
I just don't know if all this is worth it...he says to wait for him, that he wants to try and work it out with her like he promised (plus he's a stubborn mule) but it's stretching mine and hers friendship to its limits. I'm already a b***h and not a great friend...why cant I just let go...ignore her like she ignores me. Another person I thought I could trust, one that promised no guy would come between us...yet look at us now. She wants me to hate him, to not even be friends with him...and she's doin everything she can to make it happen. Its not that easy to hate someone you love...that you can't go a day without thinking of and can't sleep without hearin his voice. How just the sight of him gives you butterflies, and the way he looks at you makes you blush uncontrollably....no, I could never hate him, i'm in too deep. And I could never hate her...just tolerate her.
She used to be the person I went to about everything...with Ty, with Trey, with Wil...and I was the person she came to, about Lucas, about...Jacob. But no more, she knows how I feel, she keeps things to herself and denies what she already knows. She's trying to control Jacob, in the process, she's pushing him away...shoving a wrench into the gap thats already between them. Texting...illegal. Going out with friends...illegal. Thinking...illegal. Being with her...legal. She could list all the things she has told him not to do...and I could mark out each one as he tells me he does them.
Love sucks...sometimes, it doesn't even feel worth it...yet there isn't anyone else but him...I've just gotta have patience. and hope, that this is one promise, i won't be let down on.
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:18 am
I understand how you feel, love. There is this guy that I love to death and yet...well, my lil sister likes him as well. He is 20. She is 14 I am going to be 16. He loves me just the same but my sister ikes him so I told him to ask her out knowing he'd do whatever I asked him to. Then, they have been going out for months now and it is killing me inside. I overdosed and I could have died if people had just left me alone. My sister told my mother and she called the ambulance and i was forced to live another day. But, the time I overdosed my ssiter was on the phone with him and I said I needed to talk to him that I haven't any time left that I OD-ed and she said she will tell him and ask what to do to help me live. She took me to bed because I was really sick and stuff. But you know something? She never did tell him you know? This out when I talked to him again when I got out of the behavior care place. He said she had never told him. i actually thought my sister cared but she just wanted him all for herself. Everyone kept saying no your sister does care about you but I kept telling them other wise. i have strangled myself with a belt when I got out of that behavior place because my sister got into my head and I was screaming telling her to stop. I was going crazy and she laughed as I choked myself. My mom came in and took the belt and hid all the knives belts anything thta I may possibly kill myslef with. But my mother had to keep me for two days staright because every time i saw my sister I started freaking out and crying again. It was horrible. All this because I love someone who loves me back but i gave him up. I regret it. I want to die... But I have a piece of glass in my room for when I get depressed which is all the time so I constantly cut myself with no one knowing. I where alot of long sleeve clothes... I carved my beloved's name into my arm as well and I look at it everyday...It's all that I have of him now...
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