If Only I'd Thought Of The Right Words...

[Couture Debonair]

Man, oh man... where do I even start. cry

Next month I will be turning 22 years young. Yey! I know right? Well, it could have been a happy birthday but unfortunatly my life has this wonderful cycle of sucking hardcore style at what is suppose to be the best days of my life. Here is the story... or whatever you want to call it.

When I was 16 years old I made friends with a bunch of people online, I've met a few of them in real life over the years but only a few of them have stuck around. At 16 I met this great guy named Chris from New Mexico who my family and parents really like. When I was 18 and he was 19 Chris came up to visit me here in Minnesota. He gets along good with my family and such when he came up for a visit.

At the end of his time up here for a week, at the very last second I made the choice to leave home and go down to New Mexico. Now, it was only suppose to be for two weeks... but I ended up staying for almost two years. I stayed because I fell really hard for Chris, and apparently he did for me as well. We got our own place, even bought a little black short hair cat and named him Dirt-Rat. Life was good down there for the most part, but I missed my family and I went home while Chris stayed in New Mexico.

He always thought we broke up when I left New Mexico, but I never felt that way. I still wanted to be with him... I just wanted to be closer to my family. When I moved back up here, my mom actually ended up breaking a lot of ribs. She has always had a bad drinking problem, but because she refused to goto the hospital she drank more. ( Eventually sending her to the ICU for a month and almost dying. Another Story for a differnt post. So, it was a good thing I came home right?? ) I took care of the house work and my siblings while my mom rested up and my dad worked his a** off everynight to try and support the three kids. I worked with my dad and faithfully called Chris every single night to see how he was doing.

I remember one night trying to get ahold of Chris but he never answered. I ended up getting a text message from him saying he was in the hospital and couldn't talk right now. His mom called me a bit later and told me that he was at a party and his heart stopped. First thought everyone say it with me: Drugs! Well, he claimed he did not do any, but I know his history... and those people he hangs out with but if he did or did not I will never know. I am just glad he is okay, because my life again was going okay and then it went to s**t when he was in the hospital. Cycle of my life... you'll catch on. I promise.

Eventually Chris made his way up here and we've had three crazy years up here... or was it four. I lose count. Anyways, after all of the apartment moves, the five cars here and there, the many... many... nights staying up talking, two cats later, and a huge fight we've come to a point in our relationship where it is time to take a break. No matter what it is, we seem to fight about it just because... there isn't really a reason and we don't just start it for the fun of it. The fight just happens.

We made the choice to take a break from each other so that we could think about our relationship and what we'd like to happen, or not happen for that matter. We both say that we love each other very much, but we are just sick of being around each other. So, on Friday I headed down here to Wisconsin where I am staying with a friend while Chris stays at our place.

Here comes all the fun stuff! stare

The first day I was gone he went out and partied with friends. Now, I know I didn't mention this but he can't drink because he has Ulcerative Colitis. The second day I found out he stole a 90 dollar camera and a 30 memory card for the camera. Today I found out that he is "... glad I went because he likes having the place to himself..."

Humm... and here I was crying to my best friend about how I missed him and I was upset about losing him. I guess my problem is I am afraid to be alone... maybe that is it. I don't know. I honestly, have never truly been out on my own. Never really lived alone and I am going to have to start all over. I quit my job about a year ago because of some very personal reasons and I have not been able to get a job since. So, I have no money to my name at all. I do not even have a bank account anymore because that was closed due to not enough funds in the account. So many things were right about our relationship, and many things were wrong as well.

I don't know if we are together or not. I am scared to know if we are not... I am terrified to "start over" because that is pretty much what I will be doing if we do break up. After being with someone for so long... how do you pick yourself up and say you're worth more and you'll be okay? How do you start everything over? How do you even begin to know if it really is time to break up... or if it is just time to get your own place perhaps? How do you split everything up that you've bought with someone for three or more years? Where do you start, and when does it end? So many questions are running in my head right now but nobody can really help me.

I honestly feel I've wasted 120+ dollars in gas to come down to my friends place to get away because there really isn't anyone here helping me. I mean, my friend just went threw the same thing and is the one that offered for me to come stay down here... but now will not talk about it. So... what do I do... I hop on Gaia in the hopes that you guys and girls will help me make it through this one.

I rarely ever post anything about my life up... but I don't know where else to turn right now. My family is all busted up and hates each other, my best friend/love of my life who I normaly share everything with... well... wants to call it quits or it seems like it and well my friend down here... won't talk at all. I feel like I am a constant reminder of the pain he went through.

Ugh... what do I do? Where do I start? Can I stop rambling now? Geebus...  

[Couture Debonair]

Oh won't you take me to...

Tra la la la La!

... Funky Town!

 

[m0mmyUFtw0]

Wow. That is hard.You need to call him and ask him straight forward and blunt ~
"Where are we? What are we doing? I need to know what you're thinking so I know what I need to do. Do you want me gone? If you do I'll turn around and walk away. But I need to know where I stand in your heart."
Depends on the man, on how you do it, if you have to act cold and heartless, standing firm, or cry - but get him to open up to you. My bf talks to me when I cry (Gets lovey dovey when I'm a b***h towards him - WEIRD!). My 1st ex talked to me when I was a b***h.
I was with my 1st ex husband for a total 9 years, 2nd ex husband 9 yrs, current bf (he wants to get married!) so far 6 yrs. On the break up w/ the 1st and 2nd we each took what was ours and basically ask do you want this, or you can have that - I bought it for you. But the break up w/ the 1st was really unwanted and done in a rash desicion. The break up w/ the 2nd - I wanted the hell out! I didn't care what I took. He did the mental games through the whole marriage, then he started getting physical at the end.
Where to go? Live with your parents? I've done that (we are now!) more times than I can count, until you can get $ saved to get your own place. Get a job at McD's if you have to! Yes, been there done that 3 times! It's a little $. See if you can find another roommate to split rent w/ (2 other roommates, 3 whatever it takes) to make it affordable for you.  

[dem0nicd0rk]

find him. my dad and his girlfriend have had arguments in the past, and have had to take breaks from eachother, but in the end, they got engaged.every relationship has its problomes, but if you truly want to be with him, fix it. i may not be very experienced with this subject but my dad has had a relationship similar to yours. good luck.  

[inuyome1008]

Dude, don't beat yourself up about this.
You left because you wanted to be near your family. That's good to care that much about them.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, then you need to talk about it. If you think It will end up in another argument., try to think of ways to stay calm during it and keep him calm as well.
I can relate to the whole "how do you start over after spending so much time with someone thing". I have thought about that in my relationship, but you know what- if you love each other and want to make it work, then you can do it. It's hard-hell yea- but you can't just give up.
If you think your guys says he's happy you're not there - you can do better. Why would you want a guy who doesn't want you with him? That is a red flag.

Try and do things to get your mind off of him. You and your friend should go out one day and just hang out. But you also need to get a job in order to pick up where you left off. We all know that we can't live in the world without money. So try to look for something to help pay the bills and bring home some bacon (yum...)

You can get out of this slump. You just need to try and think of the good things you have. You have your friends who care about you and are there for you whenever you need them. Talk to them if you need to even if they don't want to talk about their pain. They might pop in with their own little tidbits of how they relate to you as well. It can help the both of you in the process.

I don't know what else to tell you, but I hope you will be ok. My best wishes go out to you and I hope that you can be happy again (I know you will ^^) Even without Chris.


Mucho love~ Inu