Welcome to Gaia! ::

When I was in my total depression, I blocked myself from any person who ever made my anger or depression worse. I also made a world for myself that I went to daily, sometimes for hours, sometimes throughout the full day. I loved that world. I was flawless, though full of pain that made others mystified and intrigued by what I was I was hiding from them. It gave me a sense of control, a sense of flawlessness, of people admiring who I was in my world even with my secret pain. That was my escape, and it really helped me. I still had it even during therapy, in which time I was confronting my painful past and the reason for my depression. I thought of suicide numerous times, and was cutting and binging and purging, which was how I ended up in therapy. The self mutilation helped with my control but it was a dangerous route, and my other world really helped a great deal for overcoming it.

I also spent a lot of time writing, mostly poems, but I would write other things as well. I especially read. It's my favourite way of leaving reality behind for a few hours, where I can be absorbed in another story. Comedy movies helped a great deal as well. Pretty much anything that dulled the pain (though not avoiding it) and made life a bit more tolerable.

I also spend time thinking of things to be greatful for. Like cold, fresh water, the sound of rain, the smell of the air early in the morning or right after a heavy rainful, the sound of birds chirping, a beautiful sunset or sunrise, the way the sun streams in through small spaces throught the trees in a forest, the way cool water feels so refreshing on a hot day, having transportation, high quality medicine, fresh, safe food, etc. It really makes me feel lucky regardless of my pain.

::cries just reading that:: That was beautiful. I seriously am a bit depressed lately, since I got into a car accident. My car is slightly totalled, and I hope that it can be fixed soon. And no, I did not kill anyone, but still... it is like... I could have. The whole scenario scared me. Yesterday afternoon and last night, that I could do is cry and shake. It was so scary and I really just needed to leave that place. I tried pinching myself to make sure that it was not real, and it was... I feel so bad about the whole. I feel so bad that I stayed home today (although I also have a cold, so I have a valid excuse).

You should never feel guilty about what you feel. I am really sorry to hear that you cannot find happiness simply in the time that you spend alone, with those characters. I wish that I could give you some advice, but I can only listen, and that is an important aid to someone who is under the social stress that you are under. Sometimes, I really do hate myself... and my friends... and all of humans around me. Humanity, I agree, is definitely not the most pure of all ideals. I personally hate the fact that we always have to keep our guard up so that we will not be harmed; I hate the fact that we cannot always be polite to one another. I also wish that we as a society could learn to function socially and get along as some animals do. We need to understand that everyone at some point or another has these feelings. Sometimes, we are betrayed, but I have news for everyone. The only real solution to this problem is to learn from it. We should learn to forgive, even though sometimes it hurts.

And as for the boyfriend problem, you may love him, but in order to demonstrate that love, you need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Talk to him about your problems. If he is truly worth being your boyfriend, then he will listen and try to console you as best as he can.

Why do you hate yourself? I am not trying to be ignorant by asking the question, and you do not have to answer that to me or anyone else. You should ask yourself that question, and figure out what it is. Then, you should strive to change what you do not like about yourself and learn to be a more confident person.

And never feel sorry about you write in here. This place is a great way to talk about our problems, and hopefully, someone will come along and give helpful advice. I personally wish that I could have helped someone out in this thread. I have my own problems, but I do not wish to share them unless the right mood shines upon me.

Yes. My car has returned, which gives me a new level of solace. Meh... but, I am having other troubles which no one should be concerned about unless one wishes to ask me.

Hmmm...Yeah. It seems as though our little trifles are the biggest problems in the world. Then again, there is always someone in a worse situation than you are, no matter how bad yours seems to be. I try to think like that when I am depressed... and rarely when I am angry.

Well, depression might be acute depending on the situation... I sometimes ended up like that... sad but remember, look at the bright side... wink