The celebration had been called to an end, and with everyone running home to check on their loved ones, it gave Naani the perfect excuse to slip away. There was no one in the Uju family that they needed to worry about anyway, she thought with a scoff, and her brother had taken off somewhere again. She wondered where he went sometimes, but then she would just brush it off. She didn't really care. Not anymore.
There wasn't much that she cared about now, actually. It was something that left an empty, gnawing feeling in her chest, and turned her walk into more of a slumped stalk. Caring only led to hurt, and she had had enough hurt to last a lifetime.
... Well, that wasn't entirely true now.
With the news about Ebere reaching everywhere, she cared about the hurt she had inadvertently caused. She cared about how others would treat her, though none had confronted her about what had happened between them. She thought that she had no more tears left after everything that had happened, but now she felt that she could cry anew.
Why was life so unfair? What had she done?! What else could she have done?!
A lot, she realized with a cringe. While there was nothing that could be done about her parents, there were things she could have done to prevent this. At least, in her opinion, there was.
And now she was too cowardly to face Ebere and his family. Not now. What could she say? She had caused the very pain that had been inflicted on her! Well, he wasn't dead, but it was clear that they didn't think he could do much else with his life now. And they were probably right. Oh, sure, the pride would find something for him, but he couldn't... couldn't really pursue things freely anymore. He can't hunt, can't patrol, progressing to any higher ranks would be difficult for him.
It was his own fault! He shouldn't have gone in there!
... But it was her's too, whether anyone knew it or not, and it left her drowning in guilt. There was no way she could make up for this, and even if there was, a large part of her would rather take it to her grave.
She had truly sunk to a new low.
With a whine, the adolescent slunk her way beneath an outcropping of rocks, squirming until she'd managed to slide her way as far into the gap as she could manage. It was her hide-away, where she would go to escape after Ebere kept finding her. This was the only spot he'd never managed to track her to, and she took advantage of that now.
The wind, no matter how gentle, would blow almost haunting tunes around her, blocking out not only the noises from outside but the turbulent thoughts within her. It helped to clear her mind, helped her focus on nothing. Naani closed her eyes to just be for a moment.
And then opened them to stare down at her paws. There was no running from this one. She had spent so much time running from her parent's death, from the pitying stares of others, from anything and everything that she came across - and now... now she was stuck. The stares would come even more harshly. The guilt would chew at her core for eternity.
She just....
She was just so done with it all.
So what could she do? Where did she go from here?
These weren't thoughts she normally had. In fact, she had never had them before, and didn't know how to process them now. She had never thought about her future, especially after it became only her and her brother, and had really only looked forward to death.
Death wasn't the answer to this one though. This time someone had gotten hurt, and death would only emphasize her mistakes. Would only show her guilt. As much as she felt it, she did not want it to show.
Besides, death would come eventually. How could she make up for her mistakes while in life?
Turning her gaze upwards, the lioness stared at the darkening sky with a harsh look. Perhaps she needed to go one step at a time. Start with the cause of all of this, and no, not Ebere. Her life had spiraled out of control far before all of that.
The Uju family was a wreck now. So much so that she wasn't... entirely sure they could recover from it. Her brother would need to step up and take control, though Naani hadn't been paying enough attention to see if he already had or not.
No one said she couldn't try to do so herself. Marrying wasn't the answer on that front. She would only be moving to another family, not aiding the Uju.
No, what they needed was to add bulk to them, not others. And if it helped turn things away from what was happening between her and Ebere, perhaps....
Her ears flattened against her head, and hardened eyes turned to scrape down the rock face. It was partially selfish on her part, but it would also help the Uju become more... pronounced once more. At least, that's what she told herself.
She would need to be careful about it. After all, she wasn't the head of this family. She doubted that her brother would have any qualms against the idea though, so that was a plus.
And afterwards... well, one step at a time. She would figure out what to do about her Ebere problem later. (and if this was just another excuse to keep running from it, well, at least she was starting to make an effort.)
Cuffing under her breathe, Naani dropped her head to rest on her paws, closing her eyes once more. Selfish and a coward, that's what she had decided she was now, and the thought left a bitter taste on her mouth.
She didn't want to think about this anymore.