爆 Ｉｎｋａ Ｈｉｚａｒａ 爆
Inka felt his face grow slack in surprise - perhaps even shock - at Syy so accurately, and confidently, guessing the man whom Inka had been with that morning. Was it so obvious even then? That Inka had been so effectively smitten with another man that Sypher had noticed as soon as he had spotted them. And... honestly, of course it was. It was nice to allow himself that moment of feeling the centre of attention - outside of a briefing room. He could make excuses how the parents of children Minowa's age (appearance wise) would pity Inka for being a single father, but it has always been Inka keeping them at arms length for not wanting to witness what a 'perfect' parent could be (because ancestors know he isn't it). Or how he needed to keep up the barrier between himself and his co-workers for the sake of professionalism, of boundaries. But he knew he was scared of appearing unreliable to them. Or the guilt of having been so viciously, outrageously harsh when first meeting Severin, of Severin first expressing his interest in Inka (platonic or not) but Inka was, truthfully, painfully honestly, lonely.
Inka pressed his lips tight, pain pulling at the corners of his eyes, but the Hizara didn't confirm the man he was with that morning was Severin, wondering whether giving a name was the right thing to do at all. If Syy thought he was lying, maybe. But to just... drag the Raigyo into Inka's own mess seemed... it seemed like something Inka needed to own up to. Not drag others into. Not anymore than he already has. Still, it hurt to see Syy so easily remove the ring he had only just placed so confidently onto his finger, enough so Inka wasn't able to stop himself from looking in, suddenly feeling a desperate need to breath through his mouth, as though starving of air. The sight of fingers brushing over an object that Inka had once held so reverently, had secreted away and thought forever lost in murky depths... He feared Syy was going to give it back to Inka the way Syy looked at it. It would be deserved, he reasoned, to be so thoroughly rejected after such a massive break of what emotional bond Syy assumed they had with each other.
"Please don't blame him." Inka managed to say, voice soft. His face was downcast and slightly turned away, doing his best to keep his face from showing too much emotion, as if that would somehow wrong Syy any further. "The fault entirely lies with me." If he wanted to say anything further, it wouldn't have come as his attention was wholly snatched up by Syy reaching up to remove the chain from his neck. With a pinched, pained expression, Inka waited, head bowed slightly in acceptance, but the ring was never offered. Amber eyes could only stare at Syy's chest in disbelief after witnessing Syy deciding to keep the engagement ring Inka had gotten for him.
"The way I went about it was." It shouldn't have made him confident, seeing Syy keep the ring. Not after what Inka had done to him, but it did. "I know I don't have any right in saying this, but I still want us to try. Being together." He tried to clarify, but he knew, if he kept going like this, it wouldn't make sense. So he stopped, sat back a little bit and just breathed, knuckles of one hand pressed to his forehead as he struggled to get his thoughts in order. "It's wrong of me to say - it hurts so much to see you without that confidence I remember you for.
It felt good," He spoke, softer now, out of guilt or shame or maybe even embarrassment as well. "feeling someone so confidently pursue me. But maybe I liked it so much because it reminded me of you. That maybe, ultimately, I still want you." The last words were rushed out, unsteady and lacking confidence, but tinged by the red in the tips of his ears. "I used to imagine finding you but even at the most horrible scenario, I never once considered you'd be any different from how I remember you to be. That you wouldn't be able to shake off anything thrown at you and we'd immediately be getting into arguments again and I took comfort in that. I took comfort in knowing I would have you to rely on again and I..." He sucks in a breath, amber eyes still resting on Syy's chest. "I didn't realise till now how much you might have needed me to be that for you. I failed in being that for you - not just this morning, but this entire time because I'm only just realising this now. Because I focused on what I wanted. On how I thought things would go and I didn't take a moment to reconsider how to handle the actual reality of our situation." Inka sighs, covering his mouth with a hand as he fought against the feeling of being unsteady in his own body.
"Maybe this won't..." He swallows. "Maybe this won't work out. Maybe it will but we just need to find a way to make it so. But I know I want to try." He looks up, hoping that he appeared at least half as restrained and calm as he was trying to be. "If you're okay with that."
Inka pressed his lips tight, pain pulling at the corners of his eyes, but the Hizara didn't confirm the man he was with that morning was Severin, wondering whether giving a name was the right thing to do at all. If Syy thought he was lying, maybe. But to just... drag the Raigyo into Inka's own mess seemed... it seemed like something Inka needed to own up to. Not drag others into. Not anymore than he already has. Still, it hurt to see Syy so easily remove the ring he had only just placed so confidently onto his finger, enough so Inka wasn't able to stop himself from looking in, suddenly feeling a desperate need to breath through his mouth, as though starving of air. The sight of fingers brushing over an object that Inka had once held so reverently, had secreted away and thought forever lost in murky depths... He feared Syy was going to give it back to Inka the way Syy looked at it. It would be deserved, he reasoned, to be so thoroughly rejected after such a massive break of what emotional bond Syy assumed they had with each other.
"Please don't blame him." Inka managed to say, voice soft. His face was downcast and slightly turned away, doing his best to keep his face from showing too much emotion, as if that would somehow wrong Syy any further. "The fault entirely lies with me." If he wanted to say anything further, it wouldn't have come as his attention was wholly snatched up by Syy reaching up to remove the chain from his neck. With a pinched, pained expression, Inka waited, head bowed slightly in acceptance, but the ring was never offered. Amber eyes could only stare at Syy's chest in disbelief after witnessing Syy deciding to keep the engagement ring Inka had gotten for him.
"The way I went about it was." It shouldn't have made him confident, seeing Syy keep the ring. Not after what Inka had done to him, but it did. "I know I don't have any right in saying this, but I still want us to try. Being together." He tried to clarify, but he knew, if he kept going like this, it wouldn't make sense. So he stopped, sat back a little bit and just breathed, knuckles of one hand pressed to his forehead as he struggled to get his thoughts in order. "It's wrong of me to say - it hurts so much to see you without that confidence I remember you for.
It felt good," He spoke, softer now, out of guilt or shame or maybe even embarrassment as well. "feeling someone so confidently pursue me. But maybe I liked it so much because it reminded me of you. That maybe, ultimately, I still want you." The last words were rushed out, unsteady and lacking confidence, but tinged by the red in the tips of his ears. "I used to imagine finding you but even at the most horrible scenario, I never once considered you'd be any different from how I remember you to be. That you wouldn't be able to shake off anything thrown at you and we'd immediately be getting into arguments again and I took comfort in that. I took comfort in knowing I would have you to rely on again and I..." He sucks in a breath, amber eyes still resting on Syy's chest. "I didn't realise till now how much you might have needed me to be that for you. I failed in being that for you - not just this morning, but this entire time because I'm only just realising this now. Because I focused on what I wanted. On how I thought things would go and I didn't take a moment to reconsider how to handle the actual reality of our situation." Inka sighs, covering his mouth with a hand as he fought against the feeling of being unsteady in his own body.
"Maybe this won't..." He swallows. "Maybe this won't work out. Maybe it will but we just need to find a way to make it so. But I know I want to try." He looks up, hoping that he appeared at least half as restrained and calm as he was trying to be. "If you're okay with that."
ch 1,030 // 1,030 | 950 // 950 st
⧼ Father ⬘ Mizukage ⬘ Godaime ⬘ Bukijutsu ⬘ Performer ⧽
T e c h n i q u e s :
• Speed ► Slight [Moderate Buki] [Heavily when drawing Small Weapons] [Moderate in smoke] [Heavily Buki in smoke ] [ Supreme when drawing Small Weapons in smoke ]
• Reflex ► Supreme
• Reflex ► Supreme
O t h e r :
astrasinthewild
Quote:
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