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Fifth Entry: Secret to True Happiness

For a long time, now, I've been wanting to tell you all that I have gained Buddhist enlightenment through deep, devoted study of the sutras, but I have done no such thing. I'm sure my Christian friends, who are all too concerned about the eternal fate of my soul, will be happy to know that I have rejected the Dharma and embraced Christ. I am almost sorry to say that I haven't done that either. I have, however, found the secret to true happiness.

Many of you may find it awfully peculiar that I have done this through neither Christ nor Buddha, and may even be quite skeptical. I'm sure you may be wondering how I did it. Could it be $cientology? Is the process of auditing[TM] and Dianetics[TM] the secret? No.

I will have you know that the Co$ is not comprised of overly happy people, and that I have drawn no inspiration from L. Ron Hubbard. Think it was Jain Dharma? If so, you are wrong; one may not gain happiness while pushing a broom.

You may now be wondering what religion may hold such a secret, but it really does not lie in any religion. Think I may have found it through philosophy? I will tell you that you are close, but do you think I got it by reading the works of such philosophers as Nietzche, Plato, M. Ueshiba, Sun Tzu, or other such people? If you think that, dear reader, then I fear you are not making any sense at all.

I'm sure that you are now getting tired of me going on about how I did NOT find it instead of telling you how I DID find it and what it is. You may think that the secret is simply to let go of the past, learn from your mistakes, deal with your grief, and to move on. That can't be it, though.

I'm sure it would make sense to believe that the secret to true happiness is to live a simple life, have simple dreams, and to try to have a constant sense of love and compassion. Again, everybody knows that that can't be it. In reality, the secret to true happiness is actually megalomania. Don't have money, power, or omnipotence? Then delusions of such things are the next best thing!

L. Ron Hubbard, for instance, lived a happy life because everyone thought he was a Messiah. How could he have had everyone believe it, though, if he did not believe it himself? He may have gained happiness through lies, but he was such a good liar that he could lie to himself. Indeed, it was his delusions of grandeur that made him happy.

Dear reader, are you actually skeptical about the relation of Megalomania and happiness?! If so, then maybe I have to show you some pictures to prove it. If you have managed to read this far, then maybe you should look at these happy megalomaniacs.



See how happy they all are? You can be so happy too, if you think you're better than everyone else.

I don't think I'm better! I know I'm better!

Nice to see that your humor hasn't faded in the two months I haven't been on. Btw, I didn't know that a rabbit with a pancake on it's head was a mood.

Sixth Entry: My New Religion

As you may have known, I was once a Godless heathen Buddhist who was destined to burn in a fate worse than hell. Thankfully, however, I converted to Thela-scientolopseudotheologism. As our records show that it is the oldest religion in existence, and that it directly influenced every other religion, you may wish to know a little about it. As such, I plan on answering every question our religion will tolerate.

Q: Why is Thela-scientolopseudotheologism better than all other religions?

A: It says in the the Bibliobovinexcrementencyclopedia, our holy book, that all who do not believe in our religion (who will hereby be referred to as the "un-saved") are spiritually insufficient and sub-human. It also says that every God other than our God, Mysticalskyfaerie, is a false God. Do YOU want to worship a false God?

Q: What holidays are there in Thela-scientolopseudotheologism?

A: Everyday is a holiday, so long as the Bibliobovinexcrementencyclopedia says so. Otherwise, you are not to celebrate under ANY circumstances, EVER!

Q: How do I join?

A: I thought you'd never ask! You may simply call the toll-free number, 555-172-8473, and tell the nice priest EVERYTHING he asks.

Q: What exactly are Thela-pseudoscientolotheologism's core beliefs?

A: Whatever the Bibliobovinexcrementencyclopedia tells you to believe. To order your own copy, call our toll-free number. Our number again is 555-172-8473. Have your credit card ready!

At the risk of coming upon the more sinful questions (why the oldest copy of the Bibliobovinexcrementencyclopedia is copyright 1952, how "Mysticalskyfaerie" is pronounced, etc.), I will now get into the political beliefs which our followers are expected to have.

Views on gay marriage: We are HIGHLY against gay marriage. All of us are expected to marry un-saved individuals so we may convert them. For the same reason, we are expected to marry un-saved individuals of the opposite sex, so we give birth to Thela-scientolopseudotheologist children. However, if one should lack the talent for evangelism, one will be allowed to marry un-saved of the same sex, as well as snakes and baby goats.

The war: Because the blood of potential converts is being spilled, we are against it. However, if the executives of the oil companies convert, there is NOTHING in the Bibliobullshitencyclopedia against continuing the blood-shed, or even marrying baby goats.

Abortion: We don't like the idea of the lives of future converts, or even potential future converts being prevented. As such, we are HIGHLY against abortion. However, if the fetus is neither, then the baby goat law applies.

That's all for today, folks! And remember, 555-172-8473!

Thank you.

Indeed it can, thank you.

Thanks for reminding me. I'll get around to it when I'm not lazy.