[PRP] Jacepi & Vanaryn - Reunited and it Feels So....Good?

[Dragon Berri]

"Sure," she said and gave him a small smile. Her heart cracked a little when he let go of her hand, but she didn't say anything. "Oh, pretty well, I suppose. Jarah's always been good with kids. Even when Jacel first came and he was kicking and biting. Jarah never lost his temper with him."

She smiled a little as she thought about them together. "He's doing better now, though."  

[Thaliawen]

"Kicking and biting?" Jacepi echoed, astonished. He couldn't believe that. That didn't sound like Jacel. "I'm sorry he's put you guys through so much trouble," he said. He'd have to talk to Jacel about that. Violence was never the answer to anything.

"Good."  

[Dragon Berri]

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that, really. He's doing better, and he'll do better while you're here, too." Which was another reason he should stay. Totally not just because she was still in love with him. Why couldn't she just say that?

Frustrated with herself and her cowardice, she rubbed her face in her hands. She felt like a sharding child. She was a full grown adult, and a dragon rider to boot. She and Anath had fought Thread together, but she was afraid of her own heart. Stupid. So stupid. "Jace, there's something I have to tell you," she started, chewing her lip as she always had when she was nervous.  

[Thaliawen]

Jacepi just nodded. He hoped so. He wanted Jacel to be happy, to get to know his brother,

He looked to Vanaryn as she spoke. She seemed nervous. She'd always had that habit of biting her lip. "What is it?" He asked.  

[Dragon Berri]

"I..." she started and stopped, her throat closing on the words. Come on, Vanaryn, don't be a coward, she told herself. "I still love you," she blurted out all at once.  

[Thaliawen]

Jacepi was silent for a long time. He simply stared at her, swallowing. He cleared his threat and looked away. "Please don't tease," he said. He'd waited so long to hear those words, but he'd never expected them. He'd figured that by now, Vanaryn's request for time had been an excuse to leave him.  

[Dragon Berri]

She shook her head. "I'm not teasing, Jace," she said softly. She didn't have a good excuse for why she had never gone back to him. "I was just scared. I didn't...I didn't know how to be a wife," she said and winced. "I was stupid. I'm sorry, Jace, for everything."  

[Thaliawen]

Jace had turned away. He took a deep breath. "I waited all those turns," he said. "Why now? Our son is grown, and you left me before he was born. Before I ever had the chance to ask you to be my wife. You... could've just said." He was staring, away from her.

"This isn't funny, Vannie."  

[Dragon Berri]

Every word felt almost like a physical slap. "I'm not joking around, Jace, I wouldn't...not with this." She sighed and leaned against the nearest wall, arms crossed over her stomach. It was churning with her nerves and she felt nauseated. "I don't have any good excuses for what I did...what I've put you through. Shards, even a good excuse wouldn't be good enough. I'm a horrible person, Jacepi, and I would understand if you hated me after all of this. I just...I needed to tell you."

She felt about as big as Anath's tiniest claw, but underneath all her warring emotions she felt better for having told him. Even if just now she felt like dragon dung for everything she'd done to him. He hadn't deserved any of it. She didn't deserve his forgiveness.  

[Thaliawen]

Jacepi, again, was silent. He took several deep, calming breaths before he spoke. "I could never hate you," he muttered. He'd been in love with her since he'd been a boy. She didn't seem to understand that.

"If you'd just told me you weren't ready, I would've understood," he said. He still wasn't looking at her.  

[Dragon Berri]

Vanaryn nodded, but didn't speak. Couldn't speak. Everything she'd thought about over the Turns, especially more recently, after he got hurt in Threadfall, screamed in her head. She felt like she couldn't breathe. He couldn't even look at her.

It was her fault. All of it.

If she had just taken time, thought things through, told him she wasn't ready. If only she had trusted who they were together. Things could have been so different. She slid down the wall, thankful there was no one else around. She didn't want anyone to witness what promised to be the biggest breakdown she had ever experienced.

She choked back a sob as tears slid down her face and she breathed, "It's all my fault." He could have come to the Weyr with her. Who knew? He could have Impressed a dragon of his own. They could have raised Jarah together. Sonin, Xibora, Adelly. They could have all been his. Jacel could have been hers. She felt Anath's distress at her inner turmoil and Vanaryn tried to comfort her dragon but it was weak. Just like Vanaryn.  

[Thaliawen]

...she wasn't joking. Jacepi knew that sound. He turned around, baffled. "What is?" He asked. What was she blaming herself for? He went to sit against the wall with her.

"When you left, I thought you'd be gone for a few days at most," he admitted.  

[Dragon Berri]

She sniffled, trying to keep from breaking down completely. "Everything," she said and shook her head. "I hadn't meant to stay away so long," she said, brushing a hand over her cheek. "But the longer I stayed here, the more afraid I became of going back. I let myself be a coward and it has been my biggest regret ever since," she told him as more tears spilled over her face.  

[Thaliawen]

"But...why didn't you tell me?" Jacepi still couldn't believe it. He took her hand in his. "I would've come more often, but I was so afraid you hated me. We always yell at each other, whenever I'm here. Even today, I wasn't sure I wanted to come. Jacel's letter convinced me."

He released her hand to thumb away her tears. "Nothing's your fault," he said.  

[Dragon Berri]

She shook her head again. "I was stupid, and scared," she said, squeezing his hand tightly. "I could never hate you, Jace...all those things I said...I didn't mean them. Not really. I was so mad at myself for pushing you away, and I took it out on you. That wasn't fair."

She huffed. "Yeah, it is. If I had just talked to you instead of making a stupid decision on my own, we could have both been here this whole time. You would have been safe here," she said, starting to cry again. "Safe from Thread." It was her fault he'd gotten hurt.