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my story

was born 15 years ago. august 15 9991, the 90's were the good ol days. i didn't know what was a bad word sex, or even a skate board. but of course i can't say i wasn't perfect myself. i was as all kids were. care free. til 3rd grade evrything changed. i ahd become exposed to so many bad things i didn't even know whast world i lived in anymore. the experiences i had i've taken very seriously. to the point where i was nice enough to even ignore a mouth off. as the years went on and i grew older. i started to feel lonely abused scared. and i was losing it. i then created two other personalities to calm my nerves down from being alone all teh time. valkyrie and tear eye. both were created as a filter for dark thoughts. val changed to light while tear eye changes back and forth depending on the situation. ever since i aquired these personalities i'm now an efficeint worker. i mostly get remarks as " wow your'e done already?!?!" and some cuz i'm not teh kind of guy who likes a fast world. i don't like roller coasters, water slides, anything fast, or has drops. i listen to any kind of music. mostly techno. but everything i like except country. i'm sure evryone has wanted something in their life that they have always wanted to have. what i want isn't a material item. it's more a spiritual thing.....love.... i long for that day. a day where someone can look beyond my flaws such as my face, my skinny body, my kind of messed up voice, and love me for who i am. i'm sure it's ahrd to beleive that a guy liek me would want lvoe in the puberty stages but it's what i want. i don't care if there are stereotypes. it's true. i want to let out all the love i've buried in my heart without hesitating. the reason i alwasy hesitated was cuz i was always ashamed of showing my arms hands or my body in just a shirt. that's why i mostly wera long pants and long sweaters. i'm also ashamed of my face and the pimples i have. i rarely smile cuz i can feel a sense of grotesque feeling from the people i smile too. i'm very romantic but i'm afraid to show it. i've even been hurt by the ones who i thought were the best people in the world. it's ahrd relaxing when you have no one to relax with. i always find myself alone whether physically or spiritually. i feel as if no one gives a damn about me. as everyday goes on i try to fight off teh thoughts of suicide or running away. that's why i sometimes feel sick. cuz of anxiety or stress. i especially feel alone while i sleep. i dream back to my earlier years. where my mom would be there to comfort me. *wipes a tear away* now i'm expected to act like a man. back then when i was hurt she'd sing me to sleep to help me feel better. everytime i clsoe my eyes i dream of that moment where she'd do that. and i tear up at how my life has changed dramatically. when i get home i sit myself in front of teh computer to play my rpgs. to take me away from this world of hurtful feelings pain to a world where i could relax. but i haven't been to a mall in a long time. after my last relationship the thought of the mall kidna hurts me. cuz now i'm alone. in my own world where no one likes what i like. i'm one of a kind. and always will be. my dreams shattered. my beleifs stopped in making me feel better. thanks to that last relationship. it helped me notice that all or 90 percent of my friends are like the ones in my earlier years. people who don't care about how i felt. i want to go somewhere with friends. but no one will go with me. and i can't go anywhere if someone doesn't invite me. i haven't even been invited to my any ones birthday party. when i talk to my friends they just sit there staring at me. questioning at teh fact that i'm there for tehm... they don't like it i can tell. i'm annoying to them. when i greet them they wave alright. but there's no eye contact like i'm just an aquiantance. and when i offer my friends food that i can't eat they think i'm gonna poison them. no one trusts me. marching band is tough. but even marching band is horrible. usually the section leaders or teh higher ups should compliment on how hard someone is working. i've been working my butt off for what seems to be a long time. and i never get any compliments. and when they were told to give advice i don't get advice. i get anger. everyday i get yelled at. for working so damn hard. marching band is so difficult for me. it's always every night. no respect. not even a good job. i've tired to talk to them along with my ex but it doesn't seem to be working at all. *sob* i'm deprived of friends, love, respect. all thanks to my appearence. i look like a freak. i'm emo.

Man the suicidals are popping up all over the place.

I'm going to preface this by saying that you may not like what I'm about to say to you. You posted this hoping to be reassured of certain things and to get empathy and affection in the form of pity. That's not totally unthinkable or a bad thing.

That is not, however, what I'm about to give you. I can sympathize but what I'm going to tell you isn't going to be what you want. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to use it.

So if you're not okay with that, seriously... don't read the text I'm about to White out.


First, you're not suicidal. I know you'd like to think you are and you'd like us to think you are... but you're just not there yet. You feel beaten, used and exhausted but you're not suicidal.

You also don't have "split personalities". Split personalities don't have knowledge of one another and aren't actively created. What you have are personas. Everyone has them to a small degree. Everyone acts differently in certain environments. You just went so far as to name yours.

Everything you say and do traces back for your desire to have people approve of you. You base your self worth on how much approval you're getting. You decide and act in a way so as to try to draw compliments from people and you focus so much on those that you've stopped letting your self image be defined by you and it's now in the hands of those you look to for this approval.

This is going to be the hardest thing for you to understand but you're going to have to come with me on this...

No matter how many people you love, no matter how many people you "connect with", no matter who comes into your life and how close you become... you're always going to be alone. You're the only one inside you. You were born the only one inside you. You're eventually going to die as the only one inside you. This sucks. But it's how things are. Even if you found "True Love" one of you is still likely to die before the other one.

It comes with being an individual.

Now as I said earlier, most of your motivations are based on trying to get approval. What has happened though is that original motivation has shifted to a darker and more painful end. No matter how bad you want that approval your fear of being disapproved of is keeping you from trying to connect with anyone. That's pretty common at your age. However hiding from the world, while and answer, is not a solution.

Last but not least, I'm sure you've heard the old cliche "No one will love you if you don't love you." That's obviously bullsh*t. Everyone no matter how much they like or dislike themselves can still be loved by someone else. But, it's an idealistically rephrased version of a truth. If you dislike you, most other people will dislike you also.

Not many people like spending time with someone who's too hard on themselves and is always depressed. People are more likely to seek spending time with someone who makes them feel good. People are selfish that way but it's the way we're wired. Emotions are contagious. If you're as depressed and down on yourself as you sound here when in public... I'd avoid you like the plague because really all you would do if brought into my life would be to slow me down.

Most people aren't going to really care how you feel. Unless something extreme has taken place it's just not how people work on a day to day basis. We all say "How're you today?" to most people but we rarely want to hear much more than "I've been alright." If someone asks someone how they are and all they ever get in responses are things that bring down thier mood, they'll avoid asking the person.

All that being said makes it sound like socializing is useless and that people inherently suck. They try so very hard when they are motivated though. If you can meet them halfway and make their lives a little better they will usually try to reciprocate. If they don't... move on.

I personally don't have any real friends at the moment. I have a lot of people I spend time with and hang out with and socialize with and cook diner for and go to movies with and have good conversations with. I don't think any of them really give that much of a crap about me. That's alright though. They shouldn't have to. They already have their own complicated lives to worry about. To expect them to live their life and still take time and energy to care about mine is selfish. However those moments where we do connect, those fleeting flashes where my love for them is reflected back to me... those are invaluable.

But you've got to start being social again. Stop looking for approval from others. Look for approval from you. Do what you want and think is best as long as it doesn't involve tying yourself away to a fantasy world. If you want to make plans with people to do something fun then make the plans, invite them and even if no one shows up, go anyways. Honestly for a while at the beginning no one will show up. Keep going though. When you see the people then tell them what about going on your own was fun, tell them you wish they had shown up but don't get all sad on them trying to guilt trip them. If you want to create a useful persona build one that is the type of person you wish you could spend time with. Make it someone you want to be. Not someone you think will get the approval of others.

You follow?

That sux. But I feel for you. 3nodding I'm now getting over suicidal thoughts myself. In fact, I found that the more I told people about my suicidal problems the less of a problem they became. I don't get the thoughs as often now but they still come from time to time even at night.


And wooo! 'Nouther 90's kid! *high five*

@ Grypesagon: It's 'cause the world is so messed up that so many suicides are happening.

True, but some things have made it even more messed up. Such as suicide bombing, kids shooting others in school. porn over the internet. Online preditors, sex slaves, and much much more. Heck I dunno what could be worse, but it doesn't even seem that scientists are very good either these days. And the news casters rely on people being forgetful and munipulate people into thinking that something is worse then it actually is. In fact, the US shouldn't even be in Iraq right now, Bush says it's a "war against terorism" but the fact is, it's a civil war that we just stuck our nose in because of 9/11. You can't end terrorism for its been around for a long time. All you can do to fight it is to tighten up security and hope no one goes to mess things up.

Yeah, I have 2 uncles out there and 3 family friends from my dad's side. I really hope they're ok.

ok, so now that i finsihed reading it, what Grypesagon said is a harsh version of the truth. in the end, u shouldn't try to mold urself into other ppl's lives. u just wouldn't be urself, and of course would possibly be utterly uncomfortable with being that way, and while interaction i not deeply necessary, it is very good at times. there are a few things he said i disagree with, but the major point i agree: don't try to be with others by changing how u are, let them decide to hang out with u because of how u r.

Man that's harsh u.u... (I understand most of the things you said but I also agree with many things that Grypesagon said, it reminded me of what my oldest cousin told me on December he is also in Iraq...) it sad and harsh but that's part of the reality... most poeple (not all) are very selfish and don't care about hurting others but life moves on and it doesn't wait for anyone, so we should all try to move on as well (I know it is easy to say but hard to do I used to think a lot about suicide, I even try with knifes and such but I always pictured my mom's face crying and always stopped me from doing anything...and it is true, death means the end of everything! you won't have a second chance once you are dead, you will just 'dissapear', when you are still alive try to life the way you want to live) people betrayed me many times and I used to think that I didn't have any talents at all...but 2 years ago I moved from my country

I'm much better now, it was hard at first but know I'm looking at a brighter side of life, so....maybe is the environment you are in that is making you feel so bad? And try to stop caring so much about what others think, you don't have to follow a trend to be accepted if you don't want to that will only make you more frustrated and you will be showing a person that isn't you. I also recomend you to write, draw, listen to music even just grab a pillow put it in your mouth and scream as hard as you can (you can even use it as a punching back XD it helps sometimes) do all these things whenever you feel depressed. What I'm trying to follow is thet "if someone is not capable of accepting me the way I'm then why bother being with them?" (again sounds easy but it is not...) I'm still a bit insecure but so we are all sometimes, I have found that talking to people about your problems helps a lot, but you also need to listen to the advices they give you, not only that but follow them. and yes show a bit of happiness everynow and then. And remember everyone has flaws, no-one is perfect that's the way we are, but we also have our good points and that is what it should really matter sadly people (the majority) tend to see the flaws more than the strenghts and skills of a person.