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 Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2006 4:35 pm
Okay, so I've been starting to get lonely lately...Now, I've been having severe depression for at least 2 years, probably more. But now it's hit me even more hard. I'm so lonely, and no, I didn't break up from any relationship. Yes, there were some people (musicians, actually) I looked up to for a long time, and then I became overly-obsessive and heard more about their personal lives. So, now I'm disappointed in them, and feel almost betrayed. I've been in love with music for as long as I can remember, and I'm ALWAYS up for listening to it. Same with poetry. But now, I don't feel like even doing either of those things.
My parents are in the middle of a divorce, and it has been going on for 3 1/2 years now, but lawyers are stupid, so nothing has been done. I've been seeing a therapist for 3 1/2 years as well, and almost nothing has improved. Yes, I personally believe I have obsession issues, because I'm almost always obsessed about something, where my whole life will revolve around it, at least for awhile. It's mainly been after my parents have divorced though, to keep me mentally okay. (Even though when I DO have obsessions, I'm still as depressed as can be to the point where people thought I was on crack and/or emo)
But now, I don't have any big obsessions. I find it's hard to live, because I obviously hardly get out much because of the fact that my parents literally have almost no money. Well, my mom has filed for bankruptcy, and my dad does nothing with the little amount of money he has except for spending it on his gf. We have so little money, that it isn't unusual for us to lose cable, gas, or even, like once, ALL water for a month! My brothers both think I am Emo and make fun of me alot. My DAD even calls me Emo! I ask them politely to stop, but they don't. They both think I'm crazy, and I feel like nobody understands me. There are so many things I hate about myself as it is, and my friends seem to be drifting away from me. I feel like I've been used, because I've done so much for them, yet they treat me horribly. They call me Emo, too, and get all pissed off at me when I'm depressed. Sometimes, I try to ask them for help, and they'll literally laugh and say "blahblahblah" or make some disgusting joke. Another thing I hate. They seem to only like me if I make disgusting jokes with them, which I feel horrible doing even though I did it for awhile. So I feel worse about myself. And it's all my fault, for everything.
Then, the only person who I think understands me, is someone over the internet who is almost trying to make themselves appear like a stalker. And I still talk to him. I guess it's just cause I feel so good when I pretend I'm talking to an actual guy.
So, I feel incredibly lonely, like I have no purpose, no ambitions, and no friends anymore. I literally feel like I've been left alone in the world, and everyone has left and betrayed me. I guess there's a lot more, but I don't feel like explaining it, and I think I've explained most of my main problems. I hate it because I know they aren't that bad at all, but I let myself get so down about it and I've tried everything to stay happy.
And then, this is the worst part...
I'm a freaking twelves year old. Yes, 12 years old, and I got depression when I was 10. So, everyone thinks I'm just a poser, and nobody believes me at all. It's hard to describe all of this, and it's okay if you don't believe me. Hardly anyone else does. And thanks whoever it is for actually taking the time to read this.
PS: Sorry I haven't been on here much lately.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 1:18 pm
Wow, sweety, that's horrid. I was 12 when I started on my road of depression. No one understood me and the people who said they were my friends just didn't get it. My parents refused to think I had something wrong with me. Name calling sucks, I had the glared of death from my father. I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel. I think its different for everyone, I do have a clue. I wish I could help you, because your young and you have your whole life ahead of you. But I'm sitting at the age of 30 and I wish I was dead.
I have no friends and most of my family thinks I take magic pills that maigicly takes my depression away. Which is so not true. But sweety have you told your theropist that you want to die. They'll go into the whole have you ever tried to kill yourself and all that stuff. But um if the theropist know you want to die they might take a more aggressive action. Two years ago I nearly stepped onto the train tracks. I was so close to doing it. THey changed my meds and was practiclly put on sucide watch. I think I want to give you a big hug and let you cry your eyes out. I'm sorry I can't help. crying
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:50 pm
No, she does know that I may have tried suicide once...One time, one of my friends and I got into a deep discussion (that is, before she turned into a jerk) and I let it out that I had guessed something dangerous I did in the past was unknowingly a suicide attempt, because I was really depressed at the time and wasn't really sure if I wanted to live...So, of course, she told her parents, who told the church we used to go to, which got to the school, which caused all this trouble, and obviously got to my parents/counselor so everything was all screwed up. (Not blaming anyone else but myself.)
And thank you, because you're one of the few people who understands that nobody really "understands" another...I'm glad an experienced person came in here, thank you.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 7:32 pm
Well if it helps at all to talk and get it off your chest I think this is a great place to do it. And I hate it when people say they know what I'm going through. scream Pisses me off no end. Parden my french. I wish I could help you out more. And I get why you blame yourself. I'd tell you not too, but I know that work since it never works for me.
Being lonely sucks and I think it gets worse as you older. Not to depress you even more. I've never had any good friends until high school. I met some guys who became overly protective of me. I'm still best friends with one of them. Although when he moved out of state he stop talking to me.
Well that was a crappy attemp to make you feel better. I think I'll shut up now.
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Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:49 pm
No, no, it's fine. Again, as long as there's no "omfgfag ur oly 12" reply, and no flaming, anyone trying to be nice makes me feel better. (Sounds corny, but I've already explained.)
Oh, and my brother just finished yelling at me when I told him that I found out our toilet was clogged (I must also add that he yelled at my younger brother and I a little while ago to tell him IF WE EVER SEE IT IS CLOGGED)...And so he told me that I'm an idiot because it was clogged since last night and that there was a sign.
Well, I saw the sign, but it literally looked like some scribbles and tried reading it as hard as I could. I guessed one of my brothers was just doing something stupid. Not my fault? Or it is my fault?
And another example of them always making fun of me is the fact that there are literally needs at my mom's house that I don't have here...Health needs. And since my dad likes to spend time with his g/f every night and has to be "on schedule to do ALL shopping on the weekends" he'd never be willing to go out and get them...Plus, of course, I'd much rather be at my mom's house despite the conditions.
So, after my brother was done yelling at me, I told him I was going to leave soon. And of course, he started laughing at me for my reason without believing me at all.
Sorry, I'm not trying to act like an "attention-whore" or anything, but I thought it was right to post another example seeing as I was already on Gaia?
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 1:26 pm
Heh I'm new here. Go ahead and tell me what's bothering you, I don't mind. And your age, I'm finding that there are people of all ages here so no worries here. Tell your brother next time to write clearer. It wasn't your fault. It really wasn't your fault that he can't write like a human. I really don't blame you about the woman needs. I could never go to my father about that. In fact for years I refused to go through a check out that had a guy as cashier. It helps to have a stash in the suitcase for emergancy.
Your brother sounds like a jerk. Sibling sometimes get better when you get older. My sister did, my uncle didn't.
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 4:42 pm
Yeah, at first my oldest brother was a jerk...Then he was nice, once he got out of HIS depression. Now he's still out of it, and is starting to act mean again. I don't get it. Apparently, he literally told my dad numerous times that he really wanted to die. Of course, I feel like that sometimes, but I keep it to myself for obvious reasons...But what I don't get is, why is he calling me Emo when it at least appears that I'm not as bad as he was?
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Posted: Fri Dec 08, 2006 12:49 pm
Maybe he thinks your stealing his pity. Maybe he thinks he's the only one who can have depression and now he's pissed at you because you have it too. I know that sounds stupid, but stranger things have happened. Or maybe it has to do with his meds, if he takes meds. And here is where I look like the complete and total moron that I am. But what the hell is "Emo"? Yes I'm stupid.
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Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 5:19 pm
No, it's okay...I didn't know forever. And besides, you said you're like 30, right? If you were somehow being sarcastic, I feel like an idiot again.
But Emo are people who cut their wrists...They hate themselves and everything around them. Just to put it in a brief description. I'm probably not the best to ask on that. And it seems like most people like to have slightly different meanings to the term.
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Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:18 pm
Ah now I know. But if everyone has different meanings for it, doesn't that make it hard to understand? And yeah I really am 30. I'm old I know. Yet another reason why my life sucks. At age 30 a person should have their life going somewhere, mine is going nowhere. I'm such a crappy person.
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Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 4:05 pm
Yeah...It can be a little hard to understand, I don't fully understand it, either.
But I read your profile. You said you can make art? (And yes, thank God it's not more anime. There's enough of that, I think.) Because you might be able to go somewhere with that. But then again I'm definitely no expert on those things. I know I'm obviously still searching for anything I'm good at...Not working too well.
Oh, btw, I just found out my dad has apparently been doing pot for a long time, as in, before I was born up until now. What I learn from my mom's rantings...
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 7:21 pm
That's messed up about your dad. Come to think about you whole family sounds a little messed up, no wonder you have depression.
I wish I could get somewhere with my art. I swear my life has gotton worse scense I graduated. College was supposed to make life better.
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 5:54 pm
Well...Normally, I'd say try to get a degree in teaching, and maybe become an art teacher. But you might not like kids. (I personally don't like them either, but I'm one myself so I don't have the right to say that...)
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:22 pm
For the most part I hate kids. I hate listening to their yelling, screaming, crying. They'ra attitudes suck and I usually want to beat them black and blue so they'd behave. scream
That said I have no kids. I have found that there are some who are really good. One of my neices is an awsome person. She behaves and she's so sweet and love to be around her because I can make her laugh and she likes being around me. She 13, and I know she's going to grow up to be great. My sister's kids are like border line. Whinning little kids, but they're sooo cute. And they say and do things that just melt you're heart.
And just talking with you online, you don't seem like a kid I'd hate.
I used to work retail, god that was a nightmare.
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Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:32 am
Yeah. Most adults say I'm more mature than most my age, therefore I'm less annoying, but I think that's mainly because I'm just quiet all of the time, and, IMO, when you've been through depression, you get some maturity. But that's just me.
Again, even being my age, sometimes I see kids younger than me that I really, really hate. Well, a lot of the time it's like that. In fact, probably the main reason I don't have a big "circle of friends" is because I hate the way most of the kids in my grade act. And I agree, there's one girl I know who's about three years younger than me that I can make laugh and who enjoys being around me, so therefore I like being around her. But as I've stated a million times before, I'm only 12, so what right do I really have in saying that?
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