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 Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:39 pm
ok, story time:
once upon a time, when i was five, i met another five year old in church wearing colorful colors. as the years past, her mother started trying to get away from her abusive husband. every time, they came to our family for support, and we gave it to them. she and i became best friends.
over the years, she stopped wearing skirts and dresses and she stopped wearing colors. all the colors were black and red. she started getting into vampire things. she cut herself. she collected blood in vials, and put them in her closet. i peeked once when we were ten, she had a drawer full of them. she stopped eating. when she did eat, it was only to sustain her for the next couple months. she didn't sleep. she almost fell into a coma because she was so physically and mentally exhausted. i was by her side at the hospital every time. she and i did things that we regret that landed us in a mental hospital, but we never stopped being friends.
after we were free, we went to a church retreat, and then we decided to get confirmed into our church. i then developed cancer, so she was at my bedside all the time. when i was stable, we got confirmed together.
after this was all said and done, her mother went to leave her husband again, this time with the new baby. they got so close this time, but at the very last moment she caved and went back. she hurt my mother emotionally, and she banned my friend from ever seeing me again. and if that wasn't enough, my friend stopped wanting to see me.
worse, she gave me all her religious stuff, and bought a satanist bible.
i haven't herd from her since.
so please, help me in my predicament. how can i get through to her? do i even want to get through to her?
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:22 pm
and if you could?..then what would you do?.. controle there life?..tell them what to waer what to eat, or how to live? why chance who they are.. i say leave them be..
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 5:04 pm
Linedwell Rainrixx and if you could?..then what would you do?.. controle there life?..tell them what to waer what to eat, or how to live? why chance who they are.. i say leave them be.. Aggreed
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:56 am
Its not possible to change people, if it was it won't be a true change. In other words, if you were able to change them would that make you happy? Would it make them happy? Or miserable? How would you like it if someone tried to make you change? You need to think of these things before you take any action. It hurts, yes, but I'm sure you don't want it to hurt more in the process.
You may have tried everything you could think of and it didn't work, don't give up, there's always a loop hole somewhere. If your a religious person who believes in god pray for her. The best solution, to pray.
I apologize if this isn't helping, but I mean no offense, and these are only suggestions.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 8:28 pm
The abusive husband mess damaged your friend psychologically. You can't change her but you can try to support her if you can. It's up to her if she gets therapy.
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El_Chico_de_Fuego rolled 2 10-sided dice:
4, 2
Total: 6 (2-20)
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Posted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 10:31 am
I would have to say that you should definately pray for your friend. The fact that she bought a Satanist bible really makes that evident.
Although I will admit that despite the fact that your friend (forgive me for saying so) seems utterly messed up at the moment, it is not dissimilar from a friend moving away or going on an extended vacation during the summer. I am not saying that you should just stop caring about your friend, but if your friend won't communicate with you, your concern will be heard only by others around you.
My advice would be to keep trying to make contact with your friend. If she truly does not give a flying you-know-what about you, then she is no longer the person you once knew (although unfortunately that is almost evident at the moment from what I read in your post...)
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Posted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 7:13 pm
You can not change others.. you can only change yourself...
Your friend, or former friend... by what you wrote seems to be very emotionally hurt and damaged... and by what you say about the abusive father, well that in it's self is an answer... I find that for different people deppresion does different things. It can make you eat a lot or not eat at all.. It can quiet litteraly make you physicaly sick.
Your friend seems like she might be touchy... if you said something that might have offended her that might be the reason...
Considering the bible she bought... I used to be christian.. now I have no religion I only have my beliefs... It wasn't that long ago when I minorly researched into the satanic religion for writing purposes. I found that I my self would much rather be a satanist then a christian... It is not as horible as Christians and others dub it to be... It is very accepting and the rules they live by are more or less just common sense I have found. They also do not push their religion like most of the churchs I've seen... Damning every one to hell with out a second thought... *shakes head* moving on...
My mother once got into Satanism... her father was... abusive... in a sexual way. She has left that now but I'd say it's an easy thing to escape into... expecially if you are living a life that hurts every day just to be awake. Sometimes you don't want to sleep because you know that your dreams are not real and are afraid they will only make it worse...
I feel sorry for your friend because of the family she has been placed into. But don't try to change her... Instead let her know that you just want to be her friend... Trust me... I've been told to change so many times... it only makes the person pull away. It makes the person feel like you are not really a friend.. because if you where a friend you'd understand.. and not judge on how we dressed ate or lived... but rather just comfert and ask questions giving concern...
I honestly hope you actually get to read this and that you read to this point...
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Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:35 pm
You can change a friend...but I have a different story. If I can help, ask. Because I'd love to.
My Story:
A couple weeks ago, I realized my friend was depressed and was thinking of suicide. She hurts herself, but doesn't cut. She has like, razor finger nails and digs them into her arms sometimes drawing blood, sometimes leaving marks. I think it's because of me because last year, I became so overwhelmed and angry at my sister, i couldn't take it. I started thinking of suicide and came close many times. But something always stopped me. I wrote a note to my friends telling them what was going on because telling them straight to their face would be to overwhelming. I'd start crying because I have a problem when I think of something bad and I try to talk I cry. So, my friend, Stephanie, she read the note and got angry at me for reading it. She got over it but has always worried about me. I never realized this back then I just knew how people would react if i did die. So, I tried not to become so angry and sad in front of her. But then...a couple weeks ago... we got into a fight. I couldn't take it anymore and i got really close to punching her but instead I screamed for her to shutup and started crying. My other friend, Elizabeth, was also a part of the fight, and was the first to insult me. When Stephanie realized I had anger in my eyes, she stopped and told Elizabeth to stop. But Elizabeth kept on going, finally I couldn't take any of it. I just ran away to the other side of the room since it was the end of P.E. After we got our stuff we went to Social Studies class. when the teacher saw me, I was still crying, and told me to go see the Social Worker. I did, and got into counceling. When i get back...I looked over at Stephanie and saw her digging her nails into her arm. I knew she was punishing herself for insulting me. She even told me once we went to Literature class. She said because of so many other things, she's become depressed. Since I already knew what it's like to be depressed, I told her what it was like for me. It's like your always sad, even when your happy, theres this big black ball of mixed feelings, destroying you. For me, when I get angry, I get over emotional, like a mine, when someones steps on me, I explode.
That's pretty much all I have to say about my story...
And like I said, I can try to help you if you want, but I don't know for sure. Because, I've never had a problem like this...I almost did though... so I can try to help. PM me if you want.
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Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 6:36 pm
Valtick Linedwell Rainrixx and if you could?..then what would you do?.. controle there life?..tell them what to waer what to eat, or how to live? why chance who they are.. i say leave them be.. Aggreed I agree, but there are different ways of changing them.
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Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 3:08 am
I don't think what your friend really needs is for you to change her...it seems, from your story, that she needs you to accept her and love her no matter what. If she's truly such a close friend, you should continue to care for her regardless of what her religious beliefs are, or how tough of a time she is having. Now, this doesn't meant that you have to follow her along this path, but in order to truly love her as a friend, you must do so unconditionally...without judging her or lecturing her. If you are a Christian, you must have heard of agape love, and this is what agape is...loving without judgement, without lectures, without limits...simply loving....especially to such an old friend in a time of need.
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Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:16 am
First I will answer the question, "Can you change a friend?" The answer is yes, but not in forcing it. You change them depending on if your friendship or way of life affects them enough to want to change; or if you are angry, abusive, and depressed, a friend could follow in your footsteps because it really affects them. Other than that, the only way you can change them is by being loving, supporting, and ultimately through patience. If you're with her without being critical of her actions and opinions, then she could come around. With this said, don't try too hard if the only way to get to her is to completely devote your life to it. Remember that you have your own life and you can't make their problem part of yours. She has to be willing to want your help, and if the only way to give it to her is to spend so much time that it's interfereing with your own life, then it's not worth it. You can give them your love, your patience, and your devotion, you can give them resources to better their life, and you can give them chances of becoming better, but they are the ones to decide to accept it and try to move on. There is no way to change their mind or make them do it if they aren't going to.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 7:34 pm
I don't think your friend needs to be changed, but...helped, y'know? That's really serious stuff, there has to be someone else who can help, too, instead of it being left to you alone.
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 11:01 pm
I think most, if not all, of the above responses are very valid. Personally, I don't think you can, by yourself, change you're friends. What you CAN do it support them to the point where they see the need for change themselves.
Sometimes they'll never see that. I went through something similar (though on a MUH smaller scale) with a former best friend of mine.
Now matter how much I supported her and allowed her to be herself she got deeper and deeper into trouble and for the longest time I was there next to her supporting her.
Just. Make sure in the process you don't get lost yourself. If you're too empathetic you could risk that. Make sure that if you're going to take the step to support and accept her, you know know you're not going to get yourself mixed up in things you don't want.
She may not want to change, she seems pretty deeply scarred. If she doesn't and won't. There's nothing much to do but stayng open just in case. Maybe some day she'll realize what's going on.
If nothing works. Make sure you remember the good times and don't give up on her. Even if you guys don't talk again.
I hope that helps a little :
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Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:21 am
Wow... that sounds like a sticky situation. I hope that you are okay now and are figuring out how to solve that "problem". I feel really bad for your friend. Do you know what happened to her?
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 2:10 pm
That sounded most strange... hmmm... I would say that there is a way to change her back, but it would require a lot of effort. You would have to persuade her entirely to go back to being "normal", which is not as easy as it sounds. It is possible, but it is an assload of work.
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