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One philosophy tidbit I've been brooding over lately is the black-and-white theory and where it went awry.

Most everything, believed especially by Christians in our American society, can be defined into either black(evil/wrong) or white(good/right). I have been well educated as to where the line between these two are drawn.

Yet, there have been too many instances in my life where people have come up to me and asked, "What's the right thing to do?" when they're posed with a problem. That's where the problem comes in: there's a problem to be dealt with in the first place.

If there is a problem, that means a wrong has been done. There's no question about that. To make a running analogy, we'll say that a girl was sexually abused during childhood. I hope everyone would agree that is an "Evil" act done upon her.

But now the girl is 22 years old, and she is afraid to become sexually intimate with the man she is engaged to. When she does manage to brave her fears and make love with her fiance', she lacks the feelings of exhileration and satisfaction that normally accomany it. (If you haven't guessed, someone actually did come to me with this situation, and we're still in the middle of trying to solve it). She actually stated that she didn't understand what the whole hype about sex was.

Needless to say, the fiance' is left in the dark, feeling insecure and confused. He knows that she was sexually abused, and he understands that it's hard for her, but how can they fix this vital part of their relationship? What is the right thing for him to do?

Is it right to let her brood in her insecurities about herself and avoid the pain associated with sex? Or is it right to ask her to deal with it for his sake? How do we convince her that sex is a good thing between a married couple?

I have noticed that what is "right" and "wrong" become very ambiguous when dealing with the aftermath of what has already been wronged. These rules of black and white haven't quite reached to the matters of correcting mistakes, so it is given to opinion of those involved and those who hear of the matter, and opinions differ from person to person.

But does that mean that there is a different set of "right" and "wrong" for each individual? Or is there a uniform set for all to conform to? It doens't make much sense for there to be a set standard up to a point, then everything switches to personal standards after that point.


1) What is the right thing for the fiance' to do when dealing with his sexually-abused wife-to-be?
2) Do the standards of "right" and "wrong" really apply to everything?

It's easy to figure out the 'right or wrong' when it comes to simple things - should I steal this? Should I return the wallet I found?

It's a lot harder to figure them out in the real world, when many issues can come up. Should I download this mp3? Should I return this wallet I found, knowing the owner will use the money to buy alcohol and cigarettes?

The problem gets compounded by the idea that we're all looking for a simple, easy 'right way' - and there often isn't one. Just because you picked the right way doesn't mean you'll get a good resolution, sadly. The couple in question may never have a good sex life - but that isn't the same as saying they should give up now.

To me, choosing the right path in that situation would both be simple and complex at the same time: it would mean supporting my wife and getting both of us some help...but that intails a host of other issues, doesn't it? Where does the money come for therapy? How many strains will it put on our marriage in the meantime? Will this mean putting off kids?

I don't know enough about it to answer which is right - so I'd consult someone who did know. A sex therapist or a psychologist would come in handy, just as I'd ask a priest or a veterinarian or, heck, even a carpenter to know what was the right thing to do. I remember being told when I was young that picking up a baby bird that had fallen would make the mother abandon her because of the scent, making her worse off than before. When that situation came up for my wife and I two years ago, it was very stressful because of that. Later, I learned (from a vet, I think) that the mother bird abandoning her child is a myth - so helping her was the right thing to do, after all.

My point here is that sometimes we can't just do it on our own. Prayer can be an important first step; communication with everyone involved is just as important. Talk about your feelings, hopes, fears, and really try to compromise. But finding out more is also important: sometimes it takes someone else to point us to the right path when we're lost in unfamiliar territory.