[PRP] A Hole in Armor (Etansi & Astriana)

[Hattaki]

Sitting in the shadows of the bowl, her back to a wall and her head down, Etansi looked as though she might be ignoring the world but in reality her narrowed eyes was taking in everything and trying to catalog things away in her mind. Mostly it was about where the Weyrlings were training and practicing so that she could at least keep her eyes on her brother from afar. It might not have been the smartest way for her to use her first free day since she had stood on the sands.

Those sands.... that stupid island.

Pulling her hands up she covered her face as it pulled an expression that she would otherwise have never made. Sighing between both hands she rubbed her fingers over both eyebrows and to her temples as if she could rub the pain in her chest away through her forehead. Everything was so different and that had never at all been the plan, what had ever happened to their plan? Deep down Etansi supposed that it was a good thing that her brother found his partner because she'd never seen him this happy or talk as much as he had in the past week. It was actually sweet in its way too, that little blue dragon that had tried to offer her kindness the first time she'd met him. The dragon was shy but it was an outward reflection of Erastan's inner kindness that she had tried so hard to protect for all their turns and it had wings, claws, and teeth.

So maybe she wouldn't have to do much to protect him anymore with that dragon to do so and she wasn't in much of a position to do it anyway. There was still a hole in the armor around the core of her being and Etansi was still viewing it as a weakness that grew in the shadow of her shame and disgrace.

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana was lost in her own thoughts as she walked, trying to shake the feeling that she had been bypassed again, for another hatching. The more hatchings she stood for and didn't impress, the further she was behind her brother. Of course she was happy for him and they spent time together, when they could. It just..it hurt that she still hadn't found her other half, when her twin brother had. Was her dragon out there, she wasn't sure, but she had to hope they were..right? She really needed to go see her friends or her family, maybe one of them could make her feel better. Yes, all the above had dragons, but they were ones she was honored to be around. She couldn't be upset at those wonderful creatures, it wasn't their fault that she hadn't found her soulmate yet.

Just as she was thinking about going to check on G'ryl and Miach, see how they were getting on with their lessons, something caught her attention. Leaning against the wall was someone she recognized from her fellow candidates. Etansi, if she remembered correctly, she had a twin brother that just impressed. Thinking back to the hatching, she remembered the way the younger woman had seemed to freeze up out there. She knew what it felt to have a twin impress when you did not, it wasn't a great feeling. Yes, Astri was thrilled for her brother for finding his soulmate and still was. She even loved his green with all of her heart, she was as much family as her brothers or uncles really. However, she also understood what it was like to be the twin left standing. Looking both ways, making sure no one saw, she began to walk over to the other. After all, only her family and friends knew what lay under her icy layer, she didn't need the whole Weyr to know. Then she casually leaned against the wall herself.

"How are you holding up?"she asked, a gentleness in her voice. It was one she only used for family, friends, and animals. However, right now, she had a feeling Etansi needed someone to listen to her.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Movement shifted within her eyesight and it wasn't all the source that she was looking for. No dragon, certainly not Erastan, but she walked up carefully and spoke to her, the tone used reminded her faintly of her brother and Master A'ral. Or at least of the tones that they had used with her ever since that disaster of a situation she'd caused at the Hatching.

Slowly she lifted her head and looked at the girl standing before her, she wasn't all that much older than Etansi was, at least not by the looks of it, but then in her experience looks could be deceiving. She waffled a bit through the thought process of how to respond to that, did she tell her the truth or did she lie? Should she shrug her off and ignore her? The nature of her nearly anti-social behavior had been brought up only recently and it had been suggested that she try to reach out to others, but shards and shells was it ever hard for her to decide whom to do that with.

Steeling herself and tightening up her chest, the small teen put her hands down in her lap to resist any urge towards the violence she was generally prone to and inclined her head a bit. This was a Candidate that had stood longer than her so what she'd been taught about social etiquette, whatever that was even supposed to be, meant that she deserved more respect from younger Candidates like Etansi.

"Lonely..." her voice graveled out of her throat roughly as she struggled to find more than one word to describe her inner emotions, but her grasp of language was limited, she'd never needed it as a child and she had only been learning it when Ma Loa taught them before she died. "Not much to do anymore."

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana listened, she could definitely understand that feeling of loneliness that could settle. Watching as your twin went off with their baby dragon and all you could do is feel this sense of sadness descend. However, that feeling for her had passed, when she began to understand that she hadn't lost anything. Really, as she learned she had gained a new sister, one who she would defend tooth and nail. Granted, she was pretty sure the green would do the same for her.

Her ice blue eyes looked over to the younger girl beside her, hearing her say she had nothing to do. It might feel like that now, but there was nothing further from the truth. Maybe, it seemed bleak after what happened at the hatching, but nothing was ever said and done.

"Hey, you are never alone, trust me on that. I know it is hard right now, your twin is your best friend. I was just a little older than you, when my own twin brother impressed. I felt like things had changed, but I learned something. My brother is still my best friend and he gave me a new part of my family. I know that even when they can't be at the hatching, they are always cheering me on. A twin connection, can never be broken, just added to,"she explained gently.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Her head tilted a little bit and the dark eyes blinked slowly as she listened to the girl talk. She had spoken to Erastan and Ma Loa but not many other than them, this girl seemed okay with talking at least. There were others that seemed to enjoy it much more than she did and her silence could be offputting, or so she'd been told by people, but really she just felt more comfortable in it. Not everyone though, so she had to try and not just because her heart had lurched heavily in her chest when the older girl mentioned that she had a twin brother as well.

One icy thorn of many melted at the word twin.

"Everyone always seems so alone. I never had that, don't know what to do about it." Finding the right words to speak in her head was easy, to get them out of her mouth was always the harder part. It was her own fault that it was hard though, she'd never had to speak if she didn't want to. Her gaze tilted out towards where she saw dragons flying through the bowl, Erastan wasn't out there with his blue currently but every dragon made her feel... something. Ever since she'd been allowed to hide under Zinath's wing she had felt something odd for dragons and even the little fire lizards that were floating around everywhere and she wasn't sure how to process it. It wasn't necessarily 'like' so much as it was a toleration she hadn't completely had before. Or maybe she was just more open to them.

"He likes his blue very much and though it's always afraid... it might be an okay dragon." She didn't know yet, she'd only had that one time to meet it. "I'm... not so good a sister... though."

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana could only imagine that Etansi had been used to doing things with her twin brother. She could understand that, though the first time she and her brother had been apart had been when they had different crafts. Then they had stood for a few turns, before she had been 'alone' once again when he impressed. Daimon always understood her and it had felt so weird not having him by her side at first. Now she knew he was always with her, no matter if it was physically or in spirit. Then the other spoke about her brother's dragon and being a bad sister.

"I am sure the more you get to know your brother's blue, the more fond you will become of him. I didn't know what I would think of my own brother's green, but I love her. Kleimeeth is like an extension to Daimon, so it was easy. So I would suggest giving him a chance. Any do you think you are not a good sister?"she asked.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

So her twin brother had impressed to a green then? Apparently turns before even, so they were somehow still close? That made her feel even more worn out than her heart already was showing signs of becoming. How had she been so stupid as to think that her brother would be ripped away from her completely was a mystery to her, but then it hadn't been a normal Hatching by any means so what was she supposed to think? All it did was strike home how much of an idiot she was.

Running one hand over her face, Etansi closed her eyes and sighed a bit.

"Brother needs someone that can protect him. Not a weak... idiot, who can't even tell what's happening." her voice cracked a bit as she spoke the words, even more so than her normal gravel allowed. "It's probably safer for him with a dragon. He won't have a weak sister anymore."

All the years that she'd toughened herself up, stayed as hard as she could and sharpened herself until she became the cruelest thing that anyone threatening her brother would meet. All of it was for nothing, all of it was useless.

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana allowed her words to sink into the other girl, knowing it might be a lot for her. She thought back to the hatching, how the gold had gone up to Etansi, though didn't know what she had said to her. However, it was then the other had raced off to the water. If she were honest, she couldn't blame her, it probably had been all very overwhelming. When it had been her a few turns ago, she had just stood there as hard as stone. Her mind was brought out of her thoughts, when the other explained why she was a 'bad' sister.

"You are not weak and you are definitely not an idiot. From what I saw during lessons, you did everything you could to keep him safe. And I am sure your brother's dragon can help now, but he still needs to be connected to you too. Plus, maybe you can help protect his blue now too. He seemed pretty scared during the hatching,"she pointed out.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

A heavy exhalation left her as she opened her eyes and looked at the girl once more. She felt that she should know this girl's name but couldn't place it no matter how she tried and she felt bad for that. It was clear that she remembered who Etansi was if she could remember her being protective of her brother during their lessons. It wasn't as if the twins stood out overmuch here, despite the thin builds and lack of social graces they were nearly as dark as most anyone stationed in Western Weyr. Thanks to the sun there were so few that were pale here, though she'd seen some from the High Reaches side at the hatching.

Shuddering slightly she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them tightly as she pondered what she could respond with. How would she be able to protect a dragon? It could fly and it had teeth and, and it could fly! Sure, she had been his protector on the ground but there was nothing that she could do when he was up in the air and out of her sight. At least that hadn't happened yet.

"Our whole lives, one protects the other. But I always wanted to protect him more, he's nicer than me." Etansi looked down at her knees for a moment and pressed her forehead against them. "Want him to stay nicer, this dragon should help. How do you protect a dragon though?"

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana listened to the other, hearing about how one always protected the other. There was a smile in her eyes, even if Etansi wouldn't be able to see it at all. In her case, Daimon would protect her, but she felt like she protected him in kind. And Rowan, well he never liked having them be so overprotective of him, but he accepted it. Then the other asked her question and she had to think on how best to answer it. Yes, it would seem like you couldn't keep one safe, but it depended on how you looked at it.

"Sometimes it helps if you think of it as you both protecting each other. It is alright to allow him to look out for you too. If I saw correctly, he came to you when you were under the candidatemaster's dragon, yes? That means he sees it as much his duty to be there for you. Let me, our twins know us better than just about anyone. Though, it is also okay to let those who have proven their worth in as well. That way you are not carrying the weight yourself. I am still learning that one myself.

Now for the dragon protection question, that is a hard one. However, right now they are little and need support. For example, my little firelizards have wings and claws, but I take care of them. Maybe help offer to take care of your brother's blue. When he is grown, it is giving them someone to talk to,"she explained.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Protecting each other, Erastan would have agreed with this girl, he liked to think that he kept her safe and that he was able to stand up for her and Etansi supposed in the past he had been helpful. His protection of her had turned towards violent when they started getting older where hers was a bit more manipulative and dangerous than his. She was too tiny to try and take on any that might try to speak badly about her twin or harm him, but she could at make their lives hell and make them wish that she could have physically hurt them briefly rather than over time.

Personally she took great pride in being able to upset those that upset her brother. Maybe she could twist that into protecting a dragon as well, that little one seemed so afraid of her the first and only time she'd seen him. Which had hurt nearly as much as the thought that she'd lost Erastan in the first place, but it was really her own fault. How could you expect something to trust you if you had no capacity for it yourself.

"He always comes when he shouldn't. His dragon is the most important thing now, not me. Should never have been me anyway, he was always more important. I've... never met anyone that wanted in or proved they could be trusted." Other than Ma Loa, but she was dead so what did she count now? Not like she could ask her for her advice from beyond the grave. "No dragon wants to talk with me, I'm not very nice and his blue seems to be nice."

It was a bit hard to keep referring to the small thing as 'her brother's dragon' but Erastan hadn't told her it's name, just referred to it as a 'he'. One of these particular days she was going to have to ask him what the small blue's name was so that she could maybe try this girl's advice. This girl... there it was again.

"What's your name?"

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana was quiet for a moment, allowing Etansi time to process everything she said. When the younger girl spoke again, she nodded her head, knowing exactly what she meant. They had been told before about when they finally managed to impress, their dragon was supposed to be their first responsibility. Dragons became a person's other half, no matter who else came into your life. One day she hoped to find her own, the dragon that was her soulmate, she knew she or he was out there somewhere. She didn't matter what color or personality, just as long as they had each other.

"You have to realize that you are important as well, don't think otherwise. And it isn't easy letting others in, I know that. However, find someone or some people that interest you. I have two friends in the last batch of Weyrlings, I am honored to have. Then you can let down your guard around them, like you do your twin. He will be adjusting to the new way things are too, but you have each other, no matter what. Oh, I suppose I did forget to say my name..Astriana,"she introduced herself.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

In this exact moment Etansi didn't feel incredibly important, she didn't feel as if she even deserved to stay at the Weyr after her truly foolish act when she'd shown weakness in front of not just the candidates and riders of Western, but of High Reaches as well. Besides, if the dragon was supposed to be the most important thing in one's life forever after, but especially as Weyrlings. Her brother needed to focus his entire being on his little blue dragon, her feelings didn't at all matter and it really was selfish of her to miss him so much. Of the two of them he seemed as though he would be the better at dealing with being on his own and she really hoped that he would grow from it in ways that she would never be able to join him in. Etansi was who she was and even though something small had changed in her that had been causing her no end of headache, she wasn't sure that even her adaptability would get her to reach out like this girl was suggesting and drop her guard.

Though she likely hadn't realized that she was doing exactly that just now.

"Not important as dragon, but someday maybe someone will find me important to them again. It will be hard because.. opening up is not something I do." What had Ma told her about being respectful to those that offered their name again? She had asked for it so it was only right. "Etansi, sorry to dump all this on you..."

Dea and #Teddy#

 

[Dea and #Teddy#]

Astriana couldn't tell the other that she would ever be more important than her brother's dragon, but they could definitely still be close. Sure, her own twin had Kleimeeth, but he always had her too. They had made time to spend together, whenever they could, despite their different schedules. She was sure Etansi and her twin would learn to do the same. As for someone new finding her important, she knew that day would come, for both of them. She nodded her head, she didn't think this girl was any less capable of having a dragon than anyone else. After all, someone saw the potential of the girl and her brother, right?

"His blue will be the most important, but doesn't mean you cannot be second place. It may be different for you, but I assure you, it can work nicely. I also feel like you will have a dragon one day of your own, someone who will worm their way into your heart. The fact the gold talked to you or I assume she did, should tell you that. The right dragon is out there for you. And no worries, Etansi, we all need someone to listen,"she assured.

Hattaki

 

[Hattaki]

Just hearing those words come from Astriana had the little teen looking far past her face even though her eyes were trained on her. Dragons had never been the plan, impressing had never even crossed her mind as a viable possibility. To she and her brother, the Weyr had been a necessary thing to survive and gave them the chance to 'save' up and move on. All of those thoughts had been dashed when Erastan had heard his name called out across the sea of candidates that day.

What would it be like for her if she Impressed? Would her dragon be just as afraid as her twin brother's blue was, or would it prove to be brave and strong? There was no telling at all, especially since she'd seen many candidates among the ranks that made up her fellows who appeared to have aged beyond what she would consider teenager. If she remembered her lessons correctly Western allowed people to stay and stand for a dragon until they were thirty. She was only fifteen, could she stand for fifteen years to wait for a dragon that might never come while her brother flew through the sky above on his blue? Drudge work would become her life if she aged past thirty, but Etansi was prepared for that, she had lived a much worse life for fifteen long and black years.

Flying through the air on a partner that made her whole sounded fun though. The small unarmored spot in her chest unfurled a bit when she thought of how Erastan's face had changed after seeing those rainbow eyes. "More of me" he'd claimed, she had no concept for it and couldn't even wrap her head around someone being in her thoughts and heart all the time other than her twin. A brief flash of memory, gold wings and a fast uplifting rush that dropped her stomach to the ground suddenly so far below, if it was like that...

"No dragon would want me... but if one is silly enough to try. I would never say no." She looked down at her hands for a moment and shivered, a tear ran down from one eye slowly, "That gold told me not to close myself off, because mine would never find me. That's why... I don't think one wants me. I've always had to be closed off, to be strong, to survive. Pern eats the weak."

Dea and #Teddy#