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Sorry long post my mind is so screwed up just wanted to talk about it :S

Need some advice I was with this girl for a few months over the holidays and had a great time but before I went off to uni I ended up breaking up with her, my problem is that I said that she was controlling, I was getting really depressed as she was having a tough time in her life and it affected me and made me upset. Like looking after one of her sisters kids and it made my parents worried if I was staying with her I would suddenly have a kid but that has changed now. My parents then really pushed me to get to it and break up. I don’t know if it was really me who wanted to break with her or my parents. I seem to be in a split frame of mind is my girlfriend controlling me or are my parents.

I tried to ignore her and forget but I couldn;t I got talking to her again when I was at uni and she came up again and we got back together and I had some of the best times of my life but when it came to Christmas she was concerned that I was always putting my parents first over her and that if I don;t go over to hers on Christmas then it isn;t worth being together. Is this a crazy thing to say. I said no to this at first, but then after we had a troubled time I said yes I would and then was worried cause I knew I would have to tell my parents that I had been seeing her again. I was really scared and chickened out, cause I was so scared of how they would react and act towards me. When I was at home I was a different person I dunno if was the effect of depression cause of tough times this this girl or that she is some sorta forbidden word in my household and so I had to keep everything hidden from her just like this new relationship. I today broke up with her again and said I wasn;t going to hers on Christmas. But I am having doubts that that is really what I want or if it is just want I would want to make my parents happy or what my parents would want.

I am worried I have been getting some sorta split personality this is just breaking me apart a part of me sais leave her stay with my parents my other half sais stay she is the most amazing person I have ever met.

I am scared that if I ever got another girl she would not be as amazing or my parents would push me away from her. I was very shielded and innocent before I went to uni but I came back suddenly dating girls and above my earlier mental age. I am hoping to see a counseler soon to talk to a neutral party about my feelings. She isn;t gonna tell her family I am not going for a bit so i got some time to ring back saying I wanna go but I know if I tell my parents about it they will get upset and tell me off and say never see her again, and the weak confused person I am I will prob suddenly change my mind and not want to go. But I don’t know if that is what I really want. It just seems like it is my parents or her.

I have been so confused I don;t know if I love her cause I seem to treat her so bad through this confusion

Just wish i could live with her in peice without having to worry about what my parent and everyone think about her its prob true what she sais if I lived alone I would still be with her
My problem is that being at uni I am all alone in my room with no one to talk to feel so alone, so I need that conselor too scared to even tell my family how I am feeling which I hope doesn’t sum it up sad