Welcome to Gaia! ::

I know this is probably something that belongs in my journal but today is one of those days and I need to tell anybody or I'm sure I'll explode.

I've had worse days than this believe me but it doesn't mean this one won't be the one to kill me.

Today I woke up -well duhh- but I had that feeling. I don't know how to explain it but its like your brain is crashing and bumping in your head and your eyes don't wanna open but you know you've gotten enough sleep.

So I get outta bed right and I slap the screaming alarm clock -_- the alarm clock doesn't wanna shut up. So I unplug it and what do you know~ I get zapped. There was a upside to the zap though, I was sure I was awake then.

I then got my clothes and prepared my shower -it takes a while for the hot water to start flowing at my house- and I leave the shower running on "hot" for around 10 mins. During those ten minutes I have my very brief breakfast then I check up on the shower again. The water is still freezing cold so I decide to leave it another ten minutes. In that extra ten minutes I get my books out only to spill my left over orange juice all over my geography. I save the rest of my books by pushing the dripping glass of the pile. You probably can guess what happens when you push a fragile glass over the edge of a bench/table. Yeahh~

I cleaned that up then remembered the shower so I quickly got to it. Guess what! The water was still icy so I just figure heck and jump in -like srsly, you'd think I'd get used to the cold in 10 secs at least right? WRONG- and I jump around like a lunatic. But I manage to get soap in my hair and wash it all off -or so I thought- and I quickly grab my towel and get outta the shower. Open my eyes and BUUUURN! My eyes were burning like heck and I was tearing and that's when I heard my friends dad's car horn -I carpool with them-. So as quick as I can I run my hair under the bathroom sink while putting on my clothes in the most awkward fashion.

I run to the car grabbing my bag and hop in. I don't even get a Hey! Or a Suuuupsss~~ I get WTF! WHATS WITH YOUR HAIR!! ITS SOAKING WET!! Which probably is a totally normal reaction but a more calmer version would have made me feel better. We drive out onto the road and I put my keys in my front pocket of my bag which was when I realized I'd left my books on the table bench when I spilled my orange juice.

We arrived at school and I saw "the guy" with my friend. He knows I liked him but he doesn't know that I still do. Just that one scene of seeing them together having fun his arm around her shoulder just sends me spiraling into well . . . I wouldn't call it depression but it was like my brain couldn't handle it so it went on a holiday. The bell rings so I walk as fast as I could to class. I don't know why I was walking so fast but I think it's because I didn't wanna see anyone or be seen by anyone.

The whole day went so slowly yet I still can't remember what I did. In other words my brain was on auto pilot cruise mode. Auto pilot cruise mode is great when it's a normal bring day but today wasn't a normal boring day. Today was a yearly test day and I needed to be alert. During recess and lunch I sat away from my "group of friends" and decided to sit where they could find me easily but where they wouldn't want to go. They saw me alright. But none of them bothered to come over so I guess that's a win win for me and them.

When it was finally home time I didn't want to go home. Because at home I had things to do and stuff and I still need to do things but I can't be bothered cos I'm too caught up in the Gaian world of simulated reality.

I'm only in yr 8 but my life so far through my eyes makes me wanna disappear. Just an hour ago I was crying but like I had no tears which is starting to scare me. I just sobbed but my eyes wouldn't let me cry and I so badly want to cry right now because all my feelins are eating me up inside and I cna feel my heart pounding and its killing me literally. Literally because when I feel my heart beat fast I instantly stop breathing and hold my breath for some retarted reason. I don't know why I just do. And I do it without noticing untill it gets to the point where I feel like I'm gonna pass out and I'm scared that if I don't realise that I'm holding my breath sooner then it'll be too late. Sorry if I'm scaring you or making you believe I'm a complete loon. I just have . . . issues. Y'know? With the whole financial crisis, environmental crisis and all these other stupid crisis's and stuff.

You don't need to comment or anything. I just need to know that I'm still normal? I don't even know if anyone remembers me or anything now.

I know. I'm not really suicidal I just wanna disappear for a while then come back when everythings better. And yes I know that's impossible but yeahh~ It's probably just human to feel like it. The guy who I'm crushing on isn't a jerk or anything like that. He's actually wuite the opposite but being me I've had no experience with guys and I've already decided to give up on him but its not that easy when I see him frequently especially with my girl friends. He's in our "clique" so avoidance doesn't really work. I've probably failed my yearly tests. Meaning I may have to repeat this grade TT-TT

Yeahh~ s**t happens but it happens frequently in my life. Hmm lets see~ drug dealing uncle who hides out at my house at the most unexpected of times, aunty battling over custody of her child, abusive aunt, sheriff dude came to my house and said we're 4 months behind on payment and yes yes yes I know. Why should these things concern me? Because in the eyes of my parents and friends, I'm supposed to be the perfect child. The eldest most responsible one. BUT IM ONLY ******** 13 scream I can't handle with a druggo uncle wanting a loan when my parents are out. I can't handle a crying beaten up cousin. I can't handle all the stress of hiding the bills from my father for my mother AND THERES MORE s**t TO COME!!

sorry Goddess if I seem a little tense or bitchy but I may be young but I've probably gone through most things people 10 years older than me are just suffering. And I need help. I need hugs. I ned lolly pops and flowers and rainbows and little kiddy things that'll make me a kid not a grown up>< I don't want to be grown up yet><

Thanks^^ Yeah I know I shouldn't be all emo-ish and depressed and stuffs but it is only human to right? ==' Or am I the only weirdo who thinks so >< Yeah I sorta hid away after I posted this. I ran to my room and turned up my ipod to full volume so I couldn't hear anything. I can still hear the ringing >< or is it just my insanity? idk LOL but yeahh I had a dmu with my friends and everything so yeahh~ MARSHMELOOW COOKIES CHOC CHIP CIECREM xDD the way to cheer up any person in need. Thanks for the help guys^^