• Mum you are the most iportant person in my life
    The only person who loves me more than anyone else ever will
    The person who told me i could be anything i wanted
    That is as long as i tried my hardest and strived for it
    As long it was my mindset
    And my mind was set on it
    She's now the only one i look up to
    For you see there was a time in my life where i looked up to my father
    My eyes shining with love and admiration
    But then he hit my mum and that became no more
    now i can/shall never forgive him
    And I'm not ever going to forgive him, I'm not going to look at him the same way again
    For every person who causes her pain, I have to hate them
    I'm not being forced to i just need to Otherwise I'm afraid I'll break apart and lose her forever
    and I will never forgive him for kicking us out of the house
    for causing us to be homeless for over 3 months
    moving from one of my mum's friends houses to the next with only a few material possessions and all the family treasures and antiquities lost
    but i was happy i still had her and them, the rest of my family
    I'll never forgive him for making her cry, for being the reason she tried to kill herself
    even though she still had us to care for but that was the reason she was able to pull through
    we became her anchor and she became ours
    and I'll never talk to my him, Never call him dad any longer because all he is to me now is "Another As****e"
    And he can go f**k himself if he happens to think otherwise
    If he happens to think I'll forgive him, if he thinks I'll ever talk to him again
    Then he is wrong
    and all the times she fought for custody over my brothers, sisters and i in court
    and she'd reassure me that she'd take care of me and in a few word's she saved me
    and all she said was
    "Don't worry I'll win,
    And in the unlikely case that i don't,
    I'll always love you,
    so don't cry, keep that chin up high,
    I'll always fight for you so there's no need to fear,
    all the worries you have now will be gone in a year and the pain you feel will be healed by someone else,
    It'll be healed by a single smile
    and If that person causes you more pain
    another will take their place
    and this will continue until you meet the person you will spend the rest of your life with,
    So until you find them I'll be here,
    A shoulder to lean on and a reason to live."
    And even after all that I caused her more pain by running away from home for 2 weeks
    All because of a shitty argument over my room being messy
    And when i finally came back the look on her face said everything
    and although she never said it i know she was thiking "Thank god your safe, I still love you and I understand what your going through, don't worry, I'm just happy you came back"
    she felt like this even though she was suffering constantly worrying about me and my safety
    and during the time i was gone she gave birth, to my little sister
    And i couldn't be there to give her courage or speak humble words to reassure her that the rest of us would be safe, because i was looking after them.
    i didn't even see my sister till she was already 1 week old
    And although i just want to forget, i just can't
    why is it that i can't forget stuff like that
    why is it a memory constantly replaying
    why do i feel so shattered remembering the words she said
    "oh your back home are you staying here? if you are,
    you have a room to clean, get used to it as well for you'll be there a lot,
    you're grounded for 3 months"
    I just think to myself that it's 1 month for all the things she felt
    1 for her sadness, 1 for her worry and 1 for the hole i caused in her heart for that short while
    And now I'm always thinking to myself
    "why do i forget all those thing's i shouldn't
    but remember all those that i could live without?"
    The world around me grew darker as i grew taller
    but it's not my fault, I have to run away or I'll more then likely kill myself
    You see I can't let my emotions catch up to me
    So I bottle them all inside of me fighting to keep them under
    I fight to keep the lid from popping due to the pressure caused by the bottle being shaken by those who continue to hurt me,
    by those who cause me pain and this pain has changed me
    I was and have been fighting depression ever since i was 9
    I used to be a happy and active child but now i rarely smile
    this depression doesn't have a cause or a reason
    But my father has to be one of them
    and my mother and the way I've treated her is and has to be another
    and Mum,
    I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you
    All the times I've made you cry
    All the times i made you worry
    all the times I didn't make you proud
    I'm sorry for all the times i broke that smile
    Mum I'm sorry
    I remember the time you stood by me in the hospital bed
    while the machine i was laying next to made no sense and in seconds
    the machine went from reading only 71 bpm to over 179 bpm
    as my heart beat so hard and fast that you could see it through the sheets
    the machine beeping with caution and your face distorting with worry
    but they couldn't find anything wrong so you worried more
    so they told you to keep watch over me
    and they told me on the day they let me out
    "If it happens again tell your mum so she can bring you back here"
    But mum i went against the doctors orders because i didn't want to make you sad
    It kept happening but i couldn't bring myself to tell you it was happening again
    because all i wanted to see is a smile on your face
    and you see there is still time for me to see you smile more
    Time for me to overturn the weights
    the weights that right now are down on the side that represents the times I've done you wrong
    And needs to be over weighed by the side that represents the times I've done you right.
    And so far it's a losing fight
    So please tell me,
    god,
    Why it is that we forget the good
    but can never forget the bad?
    that we can forget what we are proud of
    but can't forget what we regret?
    you see the one thing i know for certain is that,
    My memories are mine and mine only
    and that all i want in life
    is to see you smile
    is for you to be proud of me no matter what path i take as long as it is right
    and scald me if the path i take is wrong
    It means you can guide me to the correct path
    you see I want to be able to write you a note that says "Dear Mum"
    And have written on it all the good memories and all of the bad ones
    And have there be more good memories than bad
    And all i want is
    to have my life take a turn for the better
    instead of the worst
    to see you smile and be proud
    All i wan't is to remember the good over the bad
    To smile once more with you
    to fight off this depression
    but mostly just to make you smile
    so i don't regret anything more in life
    I want you to be my savior but that doesn't mean to forget that you are
    My dear mother
    the only one i have
    the only one i need
    Mum I love you more than anything
    because no body else has fought for me or loved me more than you.